Second Thoughts

I'm back to old habits again. I thought I was ready for it but an internal mechanism just keeps pushing guys away whenever someone starts showing affection towards me.

I don't think it's guilt about being gay, because I am contented with who I am. Maybe it's my reluctance or fear to connect with people on a deeper, emotional level.

The initial phase is always fun. You like what you see, the flirting goes on, a little bit of dirty talk. Then both parties realize there's some sort of spark, and things get a little more serious when you really put in the effort to get to know each other. Lots of questions asked and answered.

Still fine.

Then it reaches a phase where I start to get a little clingy, usually more so than the guy in question. I would think about him, log in to msn just to chat with him. This is probably where my feelings for him peak.

After that, when he finally shows a similar kind of attraction and affection, all of a sudden I lose interest. I start seeing the flaws in his character, how incompatible the both of us really are, and to some extent, he won't look as attractive as when we first met.

This is where I feel like pulling away. But the problem is, he still very much has feelings for me. And that makes me feel like a horrible person.

It's always like that. Whenever I'm close to being in a relationship, I become all solitary and feel like I don't need a man after all. But the problem is, after some time, I will get lonely and want to feel love again. Then this whole cycle repeats itself. Yes, my life is all about vicious cycles.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe that's why I'm never satisfied, with or without a man in my life.

Do any of you have this type of cold feet behaviour? :(