Wait, what... it's December already? Half a month left and then it's goodbye to 2013. I've never really been good with endings. Feeling all nostalgic and thinking too much, reflecting and all.
December has always been my favorite month of the year, probably because it's all festive and Christmas-y haha... and when you're a student it's sem break, honestly the best time to chill, party and hang out with friends and going on vacation. Have already met up with some friends lately who are back in town, but there are still a number of people I wanna catch up with (including bloggers) before 2014!!
Working definitely makes December less fun.... though I can't complain about the contractual bonus that's coming my way haha! Haven't done any Christmas shopping yet... This year it's going to be a quiet affair, with my parents being overseas, so it's just with my siblings... No plans yet. Kind of takes the mood away :(
I spent a bulk of this year falling hopelessly for someone that isn't even worth the time. I don't feel like I've achieved much.... Work wise it's been steady, I have learned new things and I guess I should feel good that there's still plenty to learn and experience in my current company.... so no plans to jump to another boat soon. Health wise, well I guess this year I actually see my body change a little, finally gaining some mass but lately the growth seems to have stopped. Maybe I need to push myself even harder and eat more protein LOL. More importantly, I hope I can stay healthy and not let my past illnesses trouble me too much in the future.
Despite things going well with my career and everything's peaceful with family, I can't help but feel empty. Like it's all so routine and nothing more. Maybe every person who has just transitioned from student to employee feels like that. A stagnant lifestyle. Not much surprises... it might not be a bad thing, but I guess I'm looking for something else.
Feeling a little shitty because a family trip that was planned for January, and already booked and paid for, but due to a sudden twist of events led to it being "cancelled", or at least not all of us gets to go. I probably have to stay behind. The reason is a really shitty one, makes me feel disappointed and let down, but things are beyond my control. I just have to accept it.
I'm still trying to look out for potential dates, but it's either no one's interested in me, or I'm not interested in the people that are. Constantly reminding myself not to be desperate hahaha... I do wanna go out more and just hang out with more guys... What scares me the most is that I might actually be getting a little too comfortable with being on my own, that I will start turning away every single person that comes my way :/
This is such boring post, honestly I'm writing now just because I have nothing else to do LOL. The blogosphere has become kind of dead.... Thank you for still giving me a read!
Have a great holiday season everyone!
XOXO
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Kelana Jaya Pool
Thanks everyone for your concern, I'm getting better by the day.... Joe who? It's pointless to spend any more time on someone who doesn't care....
The void has left me feeling an immense need to improve myself, or to make the most of my time by doing meaningful things... Rather than just surfing the web, watching series and going shopping, I've decided to maybe pick up a new skill or at least do something different every week... this will make me a better individual, and also expose myself and expand my social network, so that maybe I'll get to meet someone? hahahaha...
Recently I've reconnected with a sport that I've abandoned for some time, started being more proactive in my health by signing up a GNC membership (I bought protein haha), and for some random reason I felt the urge to swim.
After hearing so many cruisy stories of the famous KJ pool, I've decided it was time I checked it out myself. The pool operates by 3 hour sessions, so check before you go. I went for the 2-5pm session today, the entrance fee was RM4. First impression? The changing room and showers are horribly run down and slightly dark. Some doors were broken, almost all the shower heads were gone. At least the floor appeared clean. The lockers? Don't bother. It's the ancient type where you have to put in the 1 ringgit coin (which doesn't exist anymore), so nobody uses them anymore...
After changing, I carried my bag pack to the pool area, and found that everyone just left their bags at the stairs/seating area next to the pool. I didn't think it was safe with my phone and wallet inside, but heck I had no choice but to drop it there like everyone else.
The crowd? I would say 50% Indians, mostly kids and teens and their dads. The other 50% would be Chinese guys. Strangely I didn't see a single woman in the main pool. They were all with their kids at the kiddy pool. My gaydar instantly identified all the gays. Mostly were uncles with their not-so-flat bellies. I only saw a couple of Chinese guys that were of my taste. One of them kept staring at me while I was in the pool, so I knew he was one of us. I was probably the youngest and hottest *cough* Chinese boy there, so you can imagine the stares I got from the uncles.
The pool looks clean, but when you're inside, you can see like a bit of dirt on the pool floor. But overall it was acceptable. After doing 6 laps (my body was already kind of sore from gym the day before) I headed to the showers. The guy that was staring at me suddenly was following behind. He was kind of hot, I guess I would have played with him but I just didn't know how it works haha.... like he didn't exactly made a move, was I supposed to just follow him into a shower cubicle?? But they are other people in the changing room.. I saw him going into a cubicle, he looked at me and I didn't know whether that was an invitation to join him, so I just walked into a nearby stall to shower LOL. Sooooooo anti climax right!!
After a quick shower, I walked to the changing area with just my towel on. Another guy (which I'm totally not attracted to) just sat next to me to shamelessly watch me get dressed. Like it was so bloody obvious, I just ignored him. When I left, I noticed the hot guy from before was walking behind me, and coincidentally his car was just parked next to mine. Nothing happened, but I can say that the KJ pool is definitely a cruise zone.
Maybe the crowd is hotter on other days... but the condition of the changing room and showers is just disappointing... Don't think I will be back there soon.
XOXO
The void has left me feeling an immense need to improve myself, or to make the most of my time by doing meaningful things... Rather than just surfing the web, watching series and going shopping, I've decided to maybe pick up a new skill or at least do something different every week... this will make me a better individual, and also expose myself and expand my social network, so that maybe I'll get to meet someone? hahahaha...
Recently I've reconnected with a sport that I've abandoned for some time, started being more proactive in my health by signing up a GNC membership (I bought protein haha), and for some random reason I felt the urge to swim.
After hearing so many cruisy stories of the famous KJ pool, I've decided it was time I checked it out myself. The pool operates by 3 hour sessions, so check before you go. I went for the 2-5pm session today, the entrance fee was RM4. First impression? The changing room and showers are horribly run down and slightly dark. Some doors were broken, almost all the shower heads were gone. At least the floor appeared clean. The lockers? Don't bother. It's the ancient type where you have to put in the 1 ringgit coin (which doesn't exist anymore), so nobody uses them anymore...
After changing, I carried my bag pack to the pool area, and found that everyone just left their bags at the stairs/seating area next to the pool. I didn't think it was safe with my phone and wallet inside, but heck I had no choice but to drop it there like everyone else.
The crowd? I would say 50% Indians, mostly kids and teens and their dads. The other 50% would be Chinese guys. Strangely I didn't see a single woman in the main pool. They were all with their kids at the kiddy pool. My gaydar instantly identified all the gays. Mostly were uncles with their not-so-flat bellies. I only saw a couple of Chinese guys that were of my taste. One of them kept staring at me while I was in the pool, so I knew he was one of us. I was probably the youngest and hottest *cough* Chinese boy there, so you can imagine the stares I got from the uncles.
The pool looks clean, but when you're inside, you can see like a bit of dirt on the pool floor. But overall it was acceptable. After doing 6 laps (my body was already kind of sore from gym the day before) I headed to the showers. The guy that was staring at me suddenly was following behind. He was kind of hot, I guess I would have played with him but I just didn't know how it works haha.... like he didn't exactly made a move, was I supposed to just follow him into a shower cubicle?? But they are other people in the changing room.. I saw him going into a cubicle, he looked at me and I didn't know whether that was an invitation to join him, so I just walked into a nearby stall to shower LOL. Sooooooo anti climax right!!
After a quick shower, I walked to the changing area with just my towel on. Another guy (which I'm totally not attracted to) just sat next to me to shamelessly watch me get dressed. Like it was so bloody obvious, I just ignored him. When I left, I noticed the hot guy from before was walking behind me, and coincidentally his car was just parked next to mine. Nothing happened, but I can say that the KJ pool is definitely a cruise zone.
Maybe the crowd is hotter on other days... but the condition of the changing room and showers is just disappointing... Don't think I will be back there soon.
XOXO
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Void
After all is said and done, I'm left feeling exhausted and really just empty on the inside.
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
Friday, November 8, 2013
This... is... closure
A lot has happened in the past couple of days since that discovery.
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
BIG Discovery!!!!!
OK so my awesome stalking skills finally came in handy... fine, maybe it isn't that awesome because it took me long enough to find HIS Facebook profile.
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The Sweetest Dream
Wow so I had the best dream last night, I had to write it down haha.... It's a little fuzzy but I will share what I remember.
It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..
I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.
Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...
But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3
XOXO
It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..
I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.
Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...
But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3
XOXO
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sprinkling Salt on Wound
OK so......... I was wrong. Joe is still around. I still see him, but the feelings are dying down a little, which is a good thing.
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
Monday, September 23, 2013
Was It The Last Time?
You'll never really know when is the last time you will see someone, until it has happened and is too late.
No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.
Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.
That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.
Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.
Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.
I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.
Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.
No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.
Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.
That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.
Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.
Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.
I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.
Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
HK Sauna Review! Part 1
Hi guys! Had a great time in Hong Kong. This isn't my first time traveling alone, and truthfully I enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. You can design your own schedule and activities, and have a room all to yourself! :P
I did and saw so much to the point that my feet were hurting every night from the walking, but you guys probably aren't interested to hear about the sight seeing and touristy stuff, so I'll head straight to the juicy bits.
Lets talk about Hong Kong men in general. Well... in my mind I was expecting them to be hotter and more buffed in general LOL, but in reality their hotness scale (based on what I saw on the streets, public transport, malls and saunas) is about the same as Malaysia. They still lose out to Singapore in terms of looks and muscles. Think SG National Service has something to do with the bodies. Hong Kong guys have this very ummm..... Chinese look LOL, as in slightly different from Malaysian Chinese.... not sure whether I like it or not, but there are distinct Chinese features hahaha.....
And in any country, there are hot guys and not so hot guys... but the bodies in general, as I said come secondary to Singapore. On Jack'd the variety was about the same as Malaysia, with the usual headless muscular bodies and cute acting guys. Nothing to shout about really.
I visited 3 saunas in total. It took a long time to decide which ones to go to, because the options are aplenty. I researched and read reviews on Gay Travel sites, as well as Fuelmix's blog which I have to say is very well written. In the end, it seemed Big Top sauna in Mongkok was the premier choice on a Friday night, while I also went to ABC sauna at Tsim Sha Tsui and Action sauna at Causeway Bay on separate days, simply because their respective locations were part of my travel itinerary and it was convenient.
I will talk about my experience in these saunas individually in coming posts. In general, Hong Kong saunas are small! We know the hotel rooms are smaller, the malls are smaller (but taller), and so the saunas are also smaller (not to mention more expensive). Despite the reduced size, I do have to give praise on the general cleanliness, ambiance and amenities provided (eg. free food, drinks, mouthrinse, relaxing area) were better than the saunas here.
Alright then, stay tuned for more details!
XOXO
I did and saw so much to the point that my feet were hurting every night from the walking, but you guys probably aren't interested to hear about the sight seeing and touristy stuff, so I'll head straight to the juicy bits.
Lets talk about Hong Kong men in general. Well... in my mind I was expecting them to be hotter and more buffed in general LOL, but in reality their hotness scale (based on what I saw on the streets, public transport, malls and saunas) is about the same as Malaysia. They still lose out to Singapore in terms of looks and muscles. Think SG National Service has something to do with the bodies. Hong Kong guys have this very ummm..... Chinese look LOL, as in slightly different from Malaysian Chinese.... not sure whether I like it or not, but there are distinct Chinese features hahaha.....
And in any country, there are hot guys and not so hot guys... but the bodies in general, as I said come secondary to Singapore. On Jack'd the variety was about the same as Malaysia, with the usual headless muscular bodies and cute acting guys. Nothing to shout about really.
I visited 3 saunas in total. It took a long time to decide which ones to go to, because the options are aplenty. I researched and read reviews on Gay Travel sites, as well as Fuelmix's blog which I have to say is very well written. In the end, it seemed Big Top sauna in Mongkok was the premier choice on a Friday night, while I also went to ABC sauna at Tsim Sha Tsui and Action sauna at Causeway Bay on separate days, simply because their respective locations were part of my travel itinerary and it was convenient.
I will talk about my experience in these saunas individually in coming posts. In general, Hong Kong saunas are small! We know the hotel rooms are smaller, the malls are smaller (but taller), and so the saunas are also smaller (not to mention more expensive). Despite the reduced size, I do have to give praise on the general cleanliness, ambiance and amenities provided (eg. free food, drinks, mouthrinse, relaxing area) were better than the saunas here.
Alright then, stay tuned for more details!
XOXO
Monday, September 2, 2013
Answer This
So, just a quick survey before I call it a night...
No judgments, no right or wrong. Just tell me what you would prefer.
I find myself generally falling for guys that make me feel like shit, which lowers my self esteem like it doesn't even exist. I then think what's wrong with me, am I not good enough for you, why would you even like someone like me, and my flaws become magnified like a thousand times, etc....
As for the guys that I think I'm too good for, the inner bitch in me just cuts them down to pieces from the get go. They don't even stand a chance in my consideration. I hate that I'm so superficial.... I can't accept someone who I think doesn't deserve me, but at the same time I want to be with someone whom I don't deserve.......
Dilemma of the night LOL....
Night nights,
XOXO
Question: Would you rather date....
1. Someone who makes you feel like you're not good enough for him
OR
2. Someone who you think you're better than (ie you're probably reaching down for him)
No judgments, no right or wrong. Just tell me what you would prefer.
I find myself generally falling for guys that make me feel like shit, which lowers my self esteem like it doesn't even exist. I then think what's wrong with me, am I not good enough for you, why would you even like someone like me, and my flaws become magnified like a thousand times, etc....
As for the guys that I think I'm too good for, the inner bitch in me just cuts them down to pieces from the get go. They don't even stand a chance in my consideration. I hate that I'm so superficial.... I can't accept someone who I think doesn't deserve me, but at the same time I want to be with someone whom I don't deserve.......
Dilemma of the night LOL....
Night nights,
XOXO
Sunday, August 25, 2013
As Usual
Hey hey! Just a quick update on what's going on lately...
I'm feeling much better now, I would say things are getting back to normal... somewhat....
When I see Joe I no longer lose my mind and go completely bananas, which is a good sign. Things between us are best described as 'Hot and Cold', which is kind of the usual for the past 5-6 months. Yeah it's been that long. There are still moments where I catch him staring at me intentionally, especially on days where I choose to ignore him. But on days where I do try to warm up and appear less bitchy, he turns a cold shoulder. I don't know how to read him or analyze our situation.
Neither of us is putting in enough effort, but we still care about each other enough to feel bothered about it. I can sense he is just as distressed about this whole thing as I am. I know because we both pretend not to acknowledge each other, even though we are both painfully aware that we are actually observing each other. It's awkward but neither of us wants to stop, or do anything about it. So yeah, fuck me, fuck him.
Apart from that, I'm doing good. Work is alright, weekends are great! Still planning my solo Hong Kong trip just weeks away. Lots more research to do and digest, but it's the kind of positive stress. Obviously when traveling solo, you know I'm going to have some fun hahaha.... Been researching the gay scene over there, basically I'm going to check out some saunas IF I have the time and happen to be in the area. Lots of options in Hong Kong. Anyone wanna recommend a place that I should go or things I shouldn't miss? :P
Haven't been to a sauna since.... Singapore. Don't really have the urge to have sex with anyone, no thanks to Joe. But I have been more horny than usual lately..... so that means spending a lot of time with my hands and laptop LOL.
AND I realized my body is changing. On one hand my chest is getting a little more defined lately, but on the other, my tummy is also getting rounder and larger. Very annoying. I have been exercising consistently and I don't eat that much either... so I don't know what's wrong. Hahaha if this trend continues I will be morphing into a Bear in a few years.... but I don't have the body hair, so does that mean I only become a chub? hahahaha I better work out more :P
Till then,
XOXO
I'm feeling much better now, I would say things are getting back to normal... somewhat....
When I see Joe I no longer lose my mind and go completely bananas, which is a good sign. Things between us are best described as 'Hot and Cold', which is kind of the usual for the past 5-6 months. Yeah it's been that long. There are still moments where I catch him staring at me intentionally, especially on days where I choose to ignore him. But on days where I do try to warm up and appear less bitchy, he turns a cold shoulder. I don't know how to read him or analyze our situation.
Neither of us is putting in enough effort, but we still care about each other enough to feel bothered about it. I can sense he is just as distressed about this whole thing as I am. I know because we both pretend not to acknowledge each other, even though we are both painfully aware that we are actually observing each other. It's awkward but neither of us wants to stop, or do anything about it. So yeah, fuck me, fuck him.
Apart from that, I'm doing good. Work is alright, weekends are great! Still planning my solo Hong Kong trip just weeks away. Lots more research to do and digest, but it's the kind of positive stress. Obviously when traveling solo, you know I'm going to have some fun hahaha.... Been researching the gay scene over there, basically I'm going to check out some saunas IF I have the time and happen to be in the area. Lots of options in Hong Kong. Anyone wanna recommend a place that I should go or things I shouldn't miss? :P
Haven't been to a sauna since.... Singapore. Don't really have the urge to have sex with anyone, no thanks to Joe. But I have been more horny than usual lately..... so that means spending a lot of time with my hands and laptop LOL.
AND I realized my body is changing. On one hand my chest is getting a little more defined lately, but on the other, my tummy is also getting rounder and larger. Very annoying. I have been exercising consistently and I don't eat that much either... so I don't know what's wrong. Hahaha if this trend continues I will be morphing into a Bear in a few years.... but I don't have the body hair, so does that mean I only become a chub? hahahaha I better work out more :P
Till then,
XOXO
Sunday, August 11, 2013
SG Cruise Club review
When Hari Raya and S'pore National Day fall right before the weekend, you know it promises some fun times!
Not sure about the traffic and crowds here in the Klang valley, but I spent 3 days in Singapore and it was a nightmare, particularly on National Day where EVERYONE packed Marina Bay and it's surrounding area in the evening for the fireworks. Inside the Shoppes at Marina Bay, lines lines lines everywhere! Even in the Cold Storage convenient store the queue went all the way around the shop, and trying to get a table at the food court was like navigating through a battle field.
Rewind a day before that. Went to Chinatown for some *cough* fun in the evening. I never really noticed it before, but if you observe carefully around, you will spot signs of massage parlors that imply 'by men for men', and rainbow flags outside certain bars. The saunas remain relatively hidden from plain sight unless you know where to look for it.
Been to Absolute twice already, and the last time was a bit of a letdown, so I decided to check out the other it place in town: Cruise Club. It is one of the more happening saunas at the moment, and I can tell you the crowd was definitely there! http://www.cruiseclub.sg/
I arrived around 6.30pm, which was within the promo period for "Cadets" (meaning 18 to 25y/o) so the entrance was FREE, but I paid SGD10 to register as a member.
The theme that night was 'Hank Panky Eclipse', which is basically their usual Thursday theme of short towels, plus the 'Eclipse', meaning blackout on certain areas/floors. It was my first time there, so I wouldn't know whether it was darker than usual LOL, but apart from the usual dark room and maze, the other areas were still lit hahaha.
The place had 3 floors. The first was the usual lockers, gym, and at the back of it the steam room, a jacuzzi with views of the shower area which had transparent panels below waist level to provide a free show. I liked that they provided mouth rinse at the basin, and generally the place was clean and relaxing.
2nd floor was the activity zone, ie dark rooms/maze. Usual stuff. Took me a while to navigate around, not because the design was complicated, but because the place was packed! And I forgot to check out the 3rd floor, but I asked some guys and they told me it was just the bar and relaxing area.
At 7pm, there was an announcement to change to small towel, everyone had to go down and keep their regular sized towels. It was really cheeky because one staff member would stand by the stairs to hand out the small towel, but only when you have removed your large towel..... meaning to say you have to walk fully naked in a bright room from your locker to the stairs, which although was only a small distance, but when all the guys are just standing around and waiting, can be quite intimidating. Many guys were kind of hesitant and shy, and just waiting for someone else to strip and go first.
And I was somehow given a locker that was on the outer end, directly facing the stairs where all the guys were standing......... so I admit I was shy because I know everyone would see me, and they did =.= free show =.=
Anyway, after getting up, that's when the action really begins. The small towel is so short that it's not enough to wrap around your waist (think face towel), so basically you just cover your junk with it and expose your ass, or for those who couldn't care less, they just walked around bare. Everyone was given like a 'glow ring', not sure what you call that thing, but it's a fluorescent light thingy that they put on the chain with locker key you wear around your neck.
One thing I don't enjoy when it gets too crowded is that the action becomes more limited. Yes I know logically you would think the more the merrier, but sometimes when too many people are walking around, it is hard to get action... for many reasons..... including:
1. Too many guys to choose from, you become picky and don't wanna settle too quickly.
2. When so many pairs of eyes are on you, you become hesitant in making a move on someone
3. Hard to track someone because he moves away too quickly and then you see plenty of other faces
3. Not enough room for action, you lose that sense of privacy
The crowd was pretty mixed. Mostly young locals, some were a little older, probably between 20-30s. Many were shy and passive. Didn't see any chubs, most were ranging from slim to lean fit to muscular. Not that many hunks either. In terms of looks, well I would say it is decent, and overall better than Malaysian standards, but still.... not quite meeting my expectations.
I was approached, but wasn't interested in what I saw.... finally I settled with someone who was really persistent. He was sweet, but maybe a little older than I hoped. Body was muscular, but tummy was... not flat haha. OK I know I'm being super demanding. Won't gross you out with the details, but I couldn't quite enjoy myself during... because halfway through, Joe popped into my mind. It was a total turn off to be doing it with someone, but only having Joe in my thoughts. So sue me for missing him sorely. Suddenly I felt sadness and regret. Therefore it wasn't quite finished the way that guy wanted it to.
After which, he sensed something was wrong so we chatted a little. I told him about my issues and he consoled me LOL. He was 38, and told me that I shouldn't get caught up on guys like that, and should instead focus on building my life and career, that way the guys would come to me LOL. Being older, he told me he had experienced it all when it comes to relationships, and he emphasized that GAY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST, and he said at the end of the day it becomes about sex. He was with someone for 9 years, but it didn't last.
Hearing that made me depressed. But after thinking about it, I realized what he said was about him, not me. Just because experience has taught him that same sex relationships don't work, doesn't mean it applies to every other person, because no two characters are the same.
I know it's fucking hard, a relationship is hard enough let alone a gay relationship which has so much more of a hump to overcome with the secrecy and discrimination and what not......... but I choose to believe, because I am that person who believes in love, and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way, so he's out there somewhere. The relationship may not last, but at least I still want to experience it and be in love with someone who feels the same way about me. So yeah......
Not giving up yet,
XOXO
Not sure about the traffic and crowds here in the Klang valley, but I spent 3 days in Singapore and it was a nightmare, particularly on National Day where EVERYONE packed Marina Bay and it's surrounding area in the evening for the fireworks. Inside the Shoppes at Marina Bay, lines lines lines everywhere! Even in the Cold Storage convenient store the queue went all the way around the shop, and trying to get a table at the food court was like navigating through a battle field.
Rewind a day before that. Went to Chinatown for some *cough* fun in the evening. I never really noticed it before, but if you observe carefully around, you will spot signs of massage parlors that imply 'by men for men', and rainbow flags outside certain bars. The saunas remain relatively hidden from plain sight unless you know where to look for it.
Been to Absolute twice already, and the last time was a bit of a letdown, so I decided to check out the other it place in town: Cruise Club. It is one of the more happening saunas at the moment, and I can tell you the crowd was definitely there! http://www.cruiseclub.sg/
I arrived around 6.30pm, which was within the promo period for "Cadets" (meaning 18 to 25y/o) so the entrance was FREE, but I paid SGD10 to register as a member.
The theme that night was 'Hank Panky Eclipse', which is basically their usual Thursday theme of short towels, plus the 'Eclipse', meaning blackout on certain areas/floors. It was my first time there, so I wouldn't know whether it was darker than usual LOL, but apart from the usual dark room and maze, the other areas were still lit hahaha.
The place had 3 floors. The first was the usual lockers, gym, and at the back of it the steam room, a jacuzzi with views of the shower area which had transparent panels below waist level to provide a free show. I liked that they provided mouth rinse at the basin, and generally the place was clean and relaxing.
2nd floor was the activity zone, ie dark rooms/maze. Usual stuff. Took me a while to navigate around, not because the design was complicated, but because the place was packed! And I forgot to check out the 3rd floor, but I asked some guys and they told me it was just the bar and relaxing area.
At 7pm, there was an announcement to change to small towel, everyone had to go down and keep their regular sized towels. It was really cheeky because one staff member would stand by the stairs to hand out the small towel, but only when you have removed your large towel..... meaning to say you have to walk fully naked in a bright room from your locker to the stairs, which although was only a small distance, but when all the guys are just standing around and waiting, can be quite intimidating. Many guys were kind of hesitant and shy, and just waiting for someone else to strip and go first.
And I was somehow given a locker that was on the outer end, directly facing the stairs where all the guys were standing......... so I admit I was shy because I know everyone would see me, and they did =.= free show =.=
Anyway, after getting up, that's when the action really begins. The small towel is so short that it's not enough to wrap around your waist (think face towel), so basically you just cover your junk with it and expose your ass, or for those who couldn't care less, they just walked around bare. Everyone was given like a 'glow ring', not sure what you call that thing, but it's a fluorescent light thingy that they put on the chain with locker key you wear around your neck.
One thing I don't enjoy when it gets too crowded is that the action becomes more limited. Yes I know logically you would think the more the merrier, but sometimes when too many people are walking around, it is hard to get action... for many reasons..... including:
1. Too many guys to choose from, you become picky and don't wanna settle too quickly.
2. When so many pairs of eyes are on you, you become hesitant in making a move on someone
3. Hard to track someone because he moves away too quickly and then you see plenty of other faces
3. Not enough room for action, you lose that sense of privacy
The crowd was pretty mixed. Mostly young locals, some were a little older, probably between 20-30s. Many were shy and passive. Didn't see any chubs, most were ranging from slim to lean fit to muscular. Not that many hunks either. In terms of looks, well I would say it is decent, and overall better than Malaysian standards, but still.... not quite meeting my expectations.
I was approached, but wasn't interested in what I saw.... finally I settled with someone who was really persistent. He was sweet, but maybe a little older than I hoped. Body was muscular, but tummy was... not flat haha. OK I know I'm being super demanding. Won't gross you out with the details, but I couldn't quite enjoy myself during... because halfway through, Joe popped into my mind. It was a total turn off to be doing it with someone, but only having Joe in my thoughts. So sue me for missing him sorely. Suddenly I felt sadness and regret. Therefore it wasn't quite finished the way that guy wanted it to.
After which, he sensed something was wrong so we chatted a little. I told him about my issues and he consoled me LOL. He was 38, and told me that I shouldn't get caught up on guys like that, and should instead focus on building my life and career, that way the guys would come to me LOL. Being older, he told me he had experienced it all when it comes to relationships, and he emphasized that GAY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST, and he said at the end of the day it becomes about sex. He was with someone for 9 years, but it didn't last.
Hearing that made me depressed. But after thinking about it, I realized what he said was about him, not me. Just because experience has taught him that same sex relationships don't work, doesn't mean it applies to every other person, because no two characters are the same.
I know it's fucking hard, a relationship is hard enough let alone a gay relationship which has so much more of a hump to overcome with the secrecy and discrimination and what not......... but I choose to believe, because I am that person who believes in love, and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way, so he's out there somewhere. The relationship may not last, but at least I still want to experience it and be in love with someone who feels the same way about me. So yeah......
Not giving up yet,
XOXO
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Another Year
At the beginning of 2013, I honestly had the feeling that this was the year. Being in a happy, stable point in life, having a great bond with family and well settled into my current job, I felt ready for..... love. I know you cannot decide when exactly you're going to be in a relationship, but as I said, I felt like romance and having that special someone was the only thing missing in my life to feel complete.
That clarity was sadly missing from March to July, getting worse from month to month, no thanks to my unhealthy obsession with a certain someone.
That business is done, but it showed that perhaps I wasn't ready after all. Or maybe I was just too eager, and unrealistically hopeful.... maybe I wanted him just for the sake of being with someone. But I have to say, he is the only man I have had feelings for in a long time. Nobody catches my eye like him. It's not just about the looks, you can see he is a nice and gentle soul. Seeing him ignited a passion within me... but somewhere along the way it got out of hand and I took things too far.
So as my birthday approaches soon, I can't help but feel the clock ticking, and my wish for 2013 would not come true after all. I can live on my own, no doubt about that, but I just want to experience love like everyone else before I die.
I know, I have the rest of my life to find love and meet that someone and be in love.... but right now would be nice thank you very much.
At the mean time, it's gonna be a single 23 year old. I'm still thankful for family and the lovely colleagues I have. Last week they treated me to a lovely lunch even though I have been working there for less than a year :)
Staying positive,
XOXO
That clarity was sadly missing from March to July, getting worse from month to month, no thanks to my unhealthy obsession with a certain someone.
That business is done, but it showed that perhaps I wasn't ready after all. Or maybe I was just too eager, and unrealistically hopeful.... maybe I wanted him just for the sake of being with someone. But I have to say, he is the only man I have had feelings for in a long time. Nobody catches my eye like him. It's not just about the looks, you can see he is a nice and gentle soul. Seeing him ignited a passion within me... but somewhere along the way it got out of hand and I took things too far.
So as my birthday approaches soon, I can't help but feel the clock ticking, and my wish for 2013 would not come true after all. I can live on my own, no doubt about that, but I just want to experience love like everyone else before I die.
I know, I have the rest of my life to find love and meet that someone and be in love.... but right now would be nice thank you very much.
At the mean time, it's gonna be a single 23 year old. I'm still thankful for family and the lovely colleagues I have. Last week they treated me to a lovely lunch even though I have been working there for less than a year :)
Staying positive,
XOXO
Monday, July 22, 2013
Heart Pounding Super Fast
OK, I know I'm a f*cking bitch for what I'm about to say... yes it's about Joe again. I know you guys think I'm pathetic, but something IS happening. Every time I think it's over, he gives me a stronger sign.
Today is by far the most extreme, to the point where I'm completely disoriented and my face is still red hot now.
Just another usual work out. I see him, he sees me. He stays cool, I spy on him. His hair is now the longest I have ever seen, but neatly gelled with the preppy smart boy look. I DIG IT. OK that's not the point.
Normally he has his usual work out zones. Today as I was sitting at the abs machine, he brought 2 free weights and positioned himself directly across me. NOT his usual spot at all. Basically if I look straight, I see him. When lifting those weights, he gave me a full view of his back, from head to butt to those long legs haha. I had a good, long look at his arms and thighs. Then he would turn and sit on a bench facing me. At first we looked at each other, but then we would both look away. It's stupid.
We stayed there for some time, I couldn't take it any more and made a move to the locker room for a quick drink. When I came out and walked towards the machines, I almost crashed into him. Suddenly he was in front of me, just finished filling his bottle of protein shake at the dispenser. At that instant of avoiding into crashing into each other, we looked at each other and I clearly gave the stunned face because I wasn't expecting him to have moved so quickly.
Right after that I sat at one of the chest machines facing him. AND THEN something AMAZING happened. He kept looking at me. NON-STOP. As in he turned to face me while taking his drink. I'm certain it was me because there was no one behind me, it was a wall. It became quite uncomfortable for me because I knew he was looking at me, but I give myself credit for staring back at him for as long as I could before my heart started to pound like crazy and then I would look at everything else but him. He didn't smile or frown or give much expression. It was like he was just observing (admiring?) me. I wanted to smile but I was so nervous my face froze and was just as blank as his.
Not sure what that meant, but this time I can say with 100% certainty that he was staring at me. Long stares. So what does it mean? I was too shocked and nervous to do or say anything. I've stalked him long enough to know that he wouldn't normally stare at someone like that. So am I crazy for thinking that's a positive sign?
After he finished his drink and washed his bottle, he left the gym. I was still stunned in my seat, and it took me a few minutes to process what had happened. I think he was trying to get closer to me. So without even finishing my workout or shower, I grabbed my things in the locker and dashed to the parking spot where I know we both normally park. I told myself I was going to make the first move and just confess my feelings to him.
But I was too late. He was no where to be seen. My face was still red hot and I felt completely off, like not sure if I even had all my things in my bag. I wasn't going back to the gym because everyone would think it's weird, so I went home feeling all kinds of emotions......
And that's why I felt the need to write it down...... Surely that's a sign that he feels something for me right? Or at least he is in some way intrigued with me? But why hasn't he said hi? Why can't he be a man and just make the move? Arggghhhh I just want to slap that gorgeous face of his and then make out with him..........
OK I'm done....... this was the release I needed.
Thank you for reading.
XOXO
Today is by far the most extreme, to the point where I'm completely disoriented and my face is still red hot now.
Just another usual work out. I see him, he sees me. He stays cool, I spy on him. His hair is now the longest I have ever seen, but neatly gelled with the preppy smart boy look. I DIG IT. OK that's not the point.
Normally he has his usual work out zones. Today as I was sitting at the abs machine, he brought 2 free weights and positioned himself directly across me. NOT his usual spot at all. Basically if I look straight, I see him. When lifting those weights, he gave me a full view of his back, from head to butt to those long legs haha. I had a good, long look at his arms and thighs. Then he would turn and sit on a bench facing me. At first we looked at each other, but then we would both look away. It's stupid.
We stayed there for some time, I couldn't take it any more and made a move to the locker room for a quick drink. When I came out and walked towards the machines, I almost crashed into him. Suddenly he was in front of me, just finished filling his bottle of protein shake at the dispenser. At that instant of avoiding into crashing into each other, we looked at each other and I clearly gave the stunned face because I wasn't expecting him to have moved so quickly.
Right after that I sat at one of the chest machines facing him. AND THEN something AMAZING happened. He kept looking at me. NON-STOP. As in he turned to face me while taking his drink. I'm certain it was me because there was no one behind me, it was a wall. It became quite uncomfortable for me because I knew he was looking at me, but I give myself credit for staring back at him for as long as I could before my heart started to pound like crazy and then I would look at everything else but him. He didn't smile or frown or give much expression. It was like he was just observing (admiring?) me. I wanted to smile but I was so nervous my face froze and was just as blank as his.
Not sure what that meant, but this time I can say with 100% certainty that he was staring at me. Long stares. So what does it mean? I was too shocked and nervous to do or say anything. I've stalked him long enough to know that he wouldn't normally stare at someone like that. So am I crazy for thinking that's a positive sign?
After he finished his drink and washed his bottle, he left the gym. I was still stunned in my seat, and it took me a few minutes to process what had happened. I think he was trying to get closer to me. So without even finishing my workout or shower, I grabbed my things in the locker and dashed to the parking spot where I know we both normally park. I told myself I was going to make the first move and just confess my feelings to him.
But I was too late. He was no where to be seen. My face was still red hot and I felt completely off, like not sure if I even had all my things in my bag. I wasn't going back to the gym because everyone would think it's weird, so I went home feeling all kinds of emotions......
And that's why I felt the need to write it down...... Surely that's a sign that he feels something for me right? Or at least he is in some way intrigued with me? But why hasn't he said hi? Why can't he be a man and just make the move? Arggghhhh I just want to slap that gorgeous face of his and then make out with him..........
OK I'm done....... this was the release I needed.
Thank you for reading.
XOXO
Saturday, July 20, 2013
What Should I Buy? Help Me :)
Hello peeps! Haven't been blogging much, and most of it has been about him. It's depressing, I realize I have been ill and deluded..........
Anyway, calling all camera experts and photonistas! I require your advice :)
So whenever I want to buy something, I get all obsessive in doing research and comparing brands and product specs to make sure I get the most value for every penny I spend. Been on the hunt for a new compact camera, YES a simple compact camera will do. I'm no DSLR person, what I need is something convenient and light weight to use while I'm traveling. Something I can just whip out easily when I spot something worth snapping. Preferably a camera that doesn't require much manual adjustment (think Intelligent Auto) and can give me the best quality shot, even at night haha.
OK I know it's super demanding for a compact camera..... Anyway, based on a budget of not more than RM800, I have narrowed it down to the players below:
1. Canon Power Shot SX160 IS
http://www.canon.com.my/personal/products/compact-cameras/powershot/powershot-sx160-is?languageCode=EN
RM699, 16MP, 16x Optical Zoom
Pros: Sleek, professional looking, Intelligent IS, creative filters and modes
Cons: Bulky, weighs 291g (a little too heavy to fit in pocket), Not WiFI enabled
2. Panasonic Lumix DMC-SZ5
http://www.panasonic.com.my/wps/portal/home/products/digitalimaging/compactcamera/stylishzoom/LUMIXDMCSZ5
RM749, 14MP, 10x Optical Zoom
Pros: Slim, light weight (136g), WiFi enabled to connect with smartphone/PC
Cons: Less MP and Optical Zoom, sensor is CCD (which is supposed to be secondary to CMOS), Highest price
3. Sony Cyber Shot DSC-WX80
http://www.sony.com.my/product/dsc-wx80
RM699, 16MP, 8x Optical Zoom
Pros: Stylish and chic, Light weight (124g), CMOS sensor, WiFi enabled to connect with smartphone/PC, picture effects
Cons: Lowest Optical Zoom, not sure about image quality
4. Olympus Stylus SZ-16
http://www.olympusimage.com.my/products/compact/s_series/sz16/
RM699, 16MP, 24x Optical Zoom
Pros: Best Optical zoom, CMOS sensor, 'Magic' filters
Cons: Bulky, weighs 227g, Not WiFi enabled
5. Nikon Coolpix S6500
http://www.nikon.com.my/en_MY/product_details.page?DCRPath=templatedata/en_MY/saleable_product_information/data/Digital%20Compact%20Cameras/Style/COOLPIX%20S6500.xml&CategoryID=gp11zl1m¤tTab=gp11zl1x¤tLink=
RM728, 16MP, 12x Optical Zoom
Pros: Sleek, relatively light (153g), CMOS sensor, WiFI enabled to connect with smartphone/PC, 'Smile timer', Comes in many colours LOL
Cons: Not the lightest in this list, not the coolest design
SO based on my analysis, the Canon and Olympus models are kind of in the same category, being heavier and probably more pro and all. I guess I prefer something lighter and slimmer, so right now I'm leaning towards the Sony and Nikon models. Nikon seems to be the more logical choice, but there's something about the Sony model that appeals to me. It's just sexier hahaha....
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? All input will be taken into consideration. And if you wanna recommend even better models, please do so! Thanks a million k :)
On the road to being myself again,
XOXO
J-boy
Anyway, calling all camera experts and photonistas! I require your advice :)
So whenever I want to buy something, I get all obsessive in doing research and comparing brands and product specs to make sure I get the most value for every penny I spend. Been on the hunt for a new compact camera, YES a simple compact camera will do. I'm no DSLR person, what I need is something convenient and light weight to use while I'm traveling. Something I can just whip out easily when I spot something worth snapping. Preferably a camera that doesn't require much manual adjustment (think Intelligent Auto) and can give me the best quality shot, even at night haha.
OK I know it's super demanding for a compact camera..... Anyway, based on a budget of not more than RM800, I have narrowed it down to the players below:
1. Canon Power Shot SX160 IS
http://www.canon.com.my/personal/products/compact-cameras/powershot/powershot-sx160-is?languageCode=EN
RM699, 16MP, 16x Optical Zoom
Pros: Sleek, professional looking, Intelligent IS, creative filters and modes
Cons: Bulky, weighs 291g (a little too heavy to fit in pocket), Not WiFI enabled
2. Panasonic Lumix DMC-SZ5
http://www.panasonic.com.my/wps/portal/home/products/digitalimaging/compactcamera/stylishzoom/LUMIXDMCSZ5
RM749, 14MP, 10x Optical Zoom
Pros: Slim, light weight (136g), WiFi enabled to connect with smartphone/PC
Cons: Less MP and Optical Zoom, sensor is CCD (which is supposed to be secondary to CMOS), Highest price
3. Sony Cyber Shot DSC-WX80
http://www.sony.com.my/product/dsc-wx80
RM699, 16MP, 8x Optical Zoom
Pros: Stylish and chic, Light weight (124g), CMOS sensor, WiFi enabled to connect with smartphone/PC, picture effects
Cons: Lowest Optical Zoom, not sure about image quality
4. Olympus Stylus SZ-16
http://www.olympusimage.com.my/products/compact/s_series/sz16/
RM699, 16MP, 24x Optical Zoom
Pros: Best Optical zoom, CMOS sensor, 'Magic' filters
Cons: Bulky, weighs 227g, Not WiFi enabled
5. Nikon Coolpix S6500
http://www.nikon.com.my/en_MY/product_details.page?DCRPath=templatedata/en_MY/saleable_product_information/data/Digital%20Compact%20Cameras/Style/COOLPIX%20S6500.xml&CategoryID=gp11zl1m¤tTab=gp11zl1x¤tLink=
RM728, 16MP, 12x Optical Zoom
Pros: Sleek, relatively light (153g), CMOS sensor, WiFI enabled to connect with smartphone/PC, 'Smile timer', Comes in many colours LOL
Cons: Not the lightest in this list, not the coolest design
SO based on my analysis, the Canon and Olympus models are kind of in the same category, being heavier and probably more pro and all. I guess I prefer something lighter and slimmer, so right now I'm leaning towards the Sony and Nikon models. Nikon seems to be the more logical choice, but there's something about the Sony model that appeals to me. It's just sexier hahaha....
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? All input will be taken into consideration. And if you wanna recommend even better models, please do so! Thanks a million k :)
On the road to being myself again,
XOXO
J-boy
Monday, June 24, 2013
OK So...... I Was Wrong
I knew better. Guess I just wanted to believe so hard. There were signs of something that could have been. Maybe some of them were true, maybe some were just made up in my head.
I'm tired. Really tired. Long story short: Joe doesn't like me that way.
No, I didn't confess to him. I didn't need to. His actions lately (or rather, lack of) made me realize he doesn't look at me that way. He's distant, almost ignorant to my existence. If you like someone you constantly keep an eye on them right? He doesn't do that. Maybe he's just a friendly guy, that looks around and gives me a smile occasionally. I don't know.
He's way too hot for me anyway. He hangs with the hunky, good looking bunch.
And I'm just mental.
End of story.
I'm tired. Really tired. Long story short: Joe doesn't like me that way.
No, I didn't confess to him. I didn't need to. His actions lately (or rather, lack of) made me realize he doesn't look at me that way. He's distant, almost ignorant to my existence. If you like someone you constantly keep an eye on them right? He doesn't do that. Maybe he's just a friendly guy, that looks around and gives me a smile occasionally. I don't know.
He's way too hot for me anyway. He hangs with the hunky, good looking bunch.
And I'm just mental.
End of story.
Friday, May 24, 2013
A Walk To Remember
Well........ Joe and I met again today, in the most romantic fashion haha....
Don't worry, I'm not going down the crazy obsessive road again. It's just nice to see him, that's all.
If I'm lucky, I run into him like once a week now. And he does look happy when he sees me. And I'm pretty sure he gives me a second look every time we meet.
Today's encounter was like taken out of a romance movie. I swear I'm not exaggerating.
I arrived just a little before him. On my way out from the locker room I walked towards the cardio section. On the other end of the path, Joe appears walking towards me (locker room).
I'm telling you, it's a classic romance scene. One straight path, we stand on opposite ends.
We walked towards each other, we establish eye contact. It's like no one else is around. He was smiling, not sure if it was at me (I'm kind of sure he was staring at me), or he saw something behind me LOL.
Eventually the path gets narrower in the middle (coz of the monkey bar that gets in the way), the point where we would bump into each other.
I start to panic and my immediate reaction is to bend my head down and stare at the ground.
As we cross each other, I turned to the side while walking so that we won't hit each other. That's like the closest I have ever been to him, physically. And I realized he's quite tall, almost a head taller than me! And he's quite tanned, bet he spends a lot of time outdoors. His hair has gotten a little longer, with this slightly nerdy and flat styling. It's cute.
My heart pounds rapidly, and I get all giddy and smile like an idiot as I jog on the treadmill.
The rest of the night we were kind of doing our own things. Obviously I glanced at him a few times, but he was just focused on working out and chatting with a few people every now and then.
Stupid thing is I got jealous when I saw him talking to this other hot guy, who looks pretty gay to me LOL.
But that moment that we had today, is something I will cherish.
Joe, you may not feel the same way about me, but I will always have a spot for you in my heart.
Truly, and sincerely, I'm as real as I can be ❤ ❤ ❤
XOXO
Don't worry, I'm not going down the crazy obsessive road again. It's just nice to see him, that's all.
If I'm lucky, I run into him like once a week now. And he does look happy when he sees me. And I'm pretty sure he gives me a second look every time we meet.
Today's encounter was like taken out of a romance movie. I swear I'm not exaggerating.
I arrived just a little before him. On my way out from the locker room I walked towards the cardio section. On the other end of the path, Joe appears walking towards me (locker room).
I'm telling you, it's a classic romance scene. One straight path, we stand on opposite ends.
We walked towards each other, we establish eye contact. It's like no one else is around. He was smiling, not sure if it was at me (I'm kind of sure he was staring at me), or he saw something behind me LOL.
Eventually the path gets narrower in the middle (coz of the monkey bar that gets in the way), the point where we would bump into each other.
I start to panic and my immediate reaction is to bend my head down and stare at the ground.
As we cross each other, I turned to the side while walking so that we won't hit each other. That's like the closest I have ever been to him, physically. And I realized he's quite tall, almost a head taller than me! And he's quite tanned, bet he spends a lot of time outdoors. His hair has gotten a little longer, with this slightly nerdy and flat styling. It's cute.
My heart pounds rapidly, and I get all giddy and smile like an idiot as I jog on the treadmill.
The rest of the night we were kind of doing our own things. Obviously I glanced at him a few times, but he was just focused on working out and chatting with a few people every now and then.
Stupid thing is I got jealous when I saw him talking to this other hot guy, who looks pretty gay to me LOL.
But that moment that we had today, is something I will cherish.
Joe, you may not feel the same way about me, but I will always have a spot for you in my heart.
Truly, and sincerely, I'm as real as I can be ❤ ❤ ❤
XOXO
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Linger
When you see a post title like that, you know who it's about.
How long has it been? I didn't exactly keep track, but it feels like a while now, almost convinced that I've moved on.
Haven't seen Joe in a while. Timing problem I guess.
Then..... appearing today, brought back a flood of emotions.
Happy, just to see him, to feel his presence at the gym, admiring his physicality, his facial expressions. His awesomeness.
Nervous, for no real reason, I get so uneasy when I see him. It's hard to concentrate.
Sad, because it reminds me of all the time I've wasted and went nut job crazy, yet here we stand, strangers more than ever.
The funny thing is, even until today, the way he looks at me, and notices me as I walk by.... I'm almost certain there's something more....... more than just strangers in the gym.
Yet neither of us has what it takes to make the first move. We're both too afraid. Or at least that's what I think is going on between us. The risk is just too much. Our egos get in the way.
I have a confession to make. I've been promiscuous lately. Having sex with a different guy every weekend for the past month or so. The disappointment of this whole Joe thing, left me emotionally and sexually deprived. As I said, I was saving myself for Joe, but since he didn't want me.... I decided I should go get some. And that I did.... Sex has been great lately. I don't regret it. It feels damn good.
However, being sexually satisfied doesn't compensate the emotional department. Seeing Joe today, just made me yearn for him again. Someone to love. To be loved. He's still my ideal man. I'm beginning to see some of his flaws, that he's not all that great and untouchable, which makes him more on level with me in a way, and I find that to be even more attractive.
I just don't know what to do.
Fuck.
XOXO
How long has it been? I didn't exactly keep track, but it feels like a while now, almost convinced that I've moved on.
Haven't seen Joe in a while. Timing problem I guess.
Then..... appearing today, brought back a flood of emotions.
Happy, just to see him, to feel his presence at the gym, admiring his physicality, his facial expressions. His awesomeness.
Nervous, for no real reason, I get so uneasy when I see him. It's hard to concentrate.
Sad, because it reminds me of all the time I've wasted and went nut job crazy, yet here we stand, strangers more than ever.
The funny thing is, even until today, the way he looks at me, and notices me as I walk by.... I'm almost certain there's something more....... more than just strangers in the gym.
Yet neither of us has what it takes to make the first move. We're both too afraid. Or at least that's what I think is going on between us. The risk is just too much. Our egos get in the way.
I have a confession to make. I've been promiscuous lately. Having sex with a different guy every weekend for the past month or so. The disappointment of this whole Joe thing, left me emotionally and sexually deprived. As I said, I was saving myself for Joe, but since he didn't want me.... I decided I should go get some. And that I did.... Sex has been great lately. I don't regret it. It feels damn good.
However, being sexually satisfied doesn't compensate the emotional department. Seeing Joe today, just made me yearn for him again. Someone to love. To be loved. He's still my ideal man. I'm beginning to see some of his flaws, that he's not all that great and untouchable, which makes him more on level with me in a way, and I find that to be even more attractive.
I just don't know what to do.
Fuck.
XOXO
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Eat Your Heart Out
OK, first order of business.
I apologize if the new blog header offends you, or took you by surprised. I sure hope you weren't in a public place or in the office when you viewed my blog hehehe.
Let me know if it's too much. I'll remove it.... eventually.
I just felt like doing it..... I mean taking skanky pics of myself. This is the post-break up (even though Joe and I weren't ever together) sexy, crazy acting out phase. Showing Joe what he's missing even though he won't probably ever see this.
As for my blog readers, I guess I have never really showed you any pics of myself or body LOL, so here's something for you.....
Again I apologize if this is not what you wanted to see! This is just a one off thing, I won't be doing this in the next few posts! *promise*
OK, am I wrong for saying I have a nice ass?
It appears tight and shapely mostly due to the tightness of the briefs haha.
And I don't actually look that tanned. I edited the colour, brightness and contrast. In real life, I'm fair as a vampire.
And yup, I'm sucking in my tummy hahaha. That's the one area of my body I dislike :S
I tried taking pics of my chest from several angles (OK that sounds bloody vain), to try to show the shape and define-ness *cough cough*, but in the end couldn't find the right angle so just took a frontal shot :3
Please don't hate me k!
XOXO
I apologize if the new blog header offends you, or took you by surprised. I sure hope you weren't in a public place or in the office when you viewed my blog hehehe.
Let me know if it's too much. I'll remove it.... eventually.
I just felt like doing it..... I mean taking skanky pics of myself. This is the post-break up (even though Joe and I weren't ever together) sexy, crazy acting out phase. Showing Joe what he's missing even though he won't probably ever see this.
As for my blog readers, I guess I have never really showed you any pics of myself or body LOL, so here's something for you.....
Again I apologize if this is not what you wanted to see! This is just a one off thing, I won't be doing this in the next few posts! *promise*
OK, am I wrong for saying I have a nice ass?
It appears tight and shapely mostly due to the tightness of the briefs haha.
And I don't actually look that tanned. I edited the colour, brightness and contrast. In real life, I'm fair as a vampire.
And yup, I'm sucking in my tummy hahaha. That's the one area of my body I dislike :S
I tried taking pics of my chest from several angles (OK that sounds bloody vain), to try to show the shape and define-ness *cough cough*, but in the end couldn't find the right angle so just took a frontal shot :3
Please don't hate me k!
XOXO
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Liberation
OK bitches, J-boy is back. Move over.
OK... sorry for the dramatic opening statement lol....
I had an awesome day... started out with gym (didn't see him, don't really care either), then watched a movie on dvd while enjoying a Sub, then I drove over to mandi manda and you know what happens, then I had McD for supper haha.
For the past couple of months, I have been a saint. Saving myself, sexually and spiritually for Joe. It was like I was a virgin again LOL. You might think that's stupid, but I thought it was noble of me to keep myself pure for him, I wanted to be exclusive for him. I put myself on a platter JUST for him.
But fuck that thought now. Joe, it's your lost. All of this hotness and the banging bod of mine is something you will never know and touch. Forgive me for the following hyper vain statement, but I looked in the mirror just now and I realized I'm more attractive than I give myself credit for, and my body is probably in the best shape it has ever been. So I shouldn't feel like I'm not good enough.
And if you thought I was losing my mojo, the attention I got at the sauna tonight would prove you wrong. Sure, I agree most guys there are just perverts wanting a good time, but the fact that I can get their attention despite the large crowd shows I have appeal. And it was a good crowd tonight. I was there at 8, I have never seen so many guys there (today is naked night), most are in shape and young, with very few uncles or large tummies. So it felt good to know I still got game despite the above average crowd.
Maybe the reason I have been so crazy and emotionally unstable for the past 2 months was because I wasn't having sex hahahaha. I mean, I have been so fucking deprived lately, that today's session felt so damn good, and the moment this guy touched me and used his tongue on me..... I felt incredibly sensitized, it was almost too overwhelming and I had to push his head away for a while, like it was my first time having sex again haha.... My body seemed to have forgotten the sensation, and how good it feels to be licked, sucked and rimmed. Or maybe this guy really had a great tongue. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is........... today was incredibly satisfying and much needed.
I did feel a bit dirty afterwards though. I had a thorough bath and scrubbing.... maybe it's been too long since I've been a whore. And the thought of an STD definitely went through my mind. But I did take the precautions, the golden rule still applies. But yeah, casual sex has its risks.
Don't think I will be having sex and visiting saunas again every other week, because for now I feel satisfied and tamed. Let's see how long it will last ;)
XOXO
OK... sorry for the dramatic opening statement lol....
I had an awesome day... started out with gym (didn't see him, don't really care either), then watched a movie on dvd while enjoying a Sub, then I drove over to mandi manda and you know what happens, then I had McD for supper haha.
For the past couple of months, I have been a saint. Saving myself, sexually and spiritually for Joe. It was like I was a virgin again LOL. You might think that's stupid, but I thought it was noble of me to keep myself pure for him, I wanted to be exclusive for him. I put myself on a platter JUST for him.
But fuck that thought now. Joe, it's your lost. All of this hotness and the banging bod of mine is something you will never know and touch. Forgive me for the following hyper vain statement, but I looked in the mirror just now and I realized I'm more attractive than I give myself credit for, and my body is probably in the best shape it has ever been. So I shouldn't feel like I'm not good enough.
And if you thought I was losing my mojo, the attention I got at the sauna tonight would prove you wrong. Sure, I agree most guys there are just perverts wanting a good time, but the fact that I can get their attention despite the large crowd shows I have appeal. And it was a good crowd tonight. I was there at 8, I have never seen so many guys there (today is naked night), most are in shape and young, with very few uncles or large tummies. So it felt good to know I still got game despite the above average crowd.
Maybe the reason I have been so crazy and emotionally unstable for the past 2 months was because I wasn't having sex hahahaha. I mean, I have been so fucking deprived lately, that today's session felt so damn good, and the moment this guy touched me and used his tongue on me..... I felt incredibly sensitized, it was almost too overwhelming and I had to push his head away for a while, like it was my first time having sex again haha.... My body seemed to have forgotten the sensation, and how good it feels to be licked, sucked and rimmed. Or maybe this guy really had a great tongue. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is........... today was incredibly satisfying and much needed.
I did feel a bit dirty afterwards though. I had a thorough bath and scrubbing.... maybe it's been too long since I've been a whore. And the thought of an STD definitely went through my mind. But I did take the precautions, the golden rule still applies. But yeah, casual sex has its risks.
Don't think I will be having sex and visiting saunas again every other week, because for now I feel satisfied and tamed. Let's see how long it will last ;)
XOXO
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Joe Journal: Do I See Light at the End of the Tunnel?
This Joe thing is just leaving me horribly empty on the inside.
Things were getting better. Saw him on Tuesday. Saw him today. I no longer feel so strongly about him because I'm already sensing that he feels impartial/neutral about me. He no longer looks at me. He's just another guy at the gym. A very attractive guy in my eyes.
I'm starting to get over him, though its a day by day thing. My feelings for him oscillates, one moment I feel like I'm recovering, the next I sorely miss him.
Either way, the only word I can think of to describe how I feel is EMPTINESS.
Hollow on the inside. I'm neither happy nor upset. Just empty. Empty.
At least I'm finally starting to move on......... just need to get through this phase.
I think I see a little light at the end, though it's still a distance away.
Right now I'm surrounded by darkness. Can't see clearly. Can't hear a thing.
It sucks to be here.
Just need to keep walking....
XOXO
Things were getting better. Saw him on Tuesday. Saw him today. I no longer feel so strongly about him because I'm already sensing that he feels impartial/neutral about me. He no longer looks at me. He's just another guy at the gym. A very attractive guy in my eyes.
I'm starting to get over him, though its a day by day thing. My feelings for him oscillates, one moment I feel like I'm recovering, the next I sorely miss him.
Either way, the only word I can think of to describe how I feel is EMPTINESS.
Hollow on the inside. I'm neither happy nor upset. Just empty. Empty.
At least I'm finally starting to move on......... just need to get through this phase.
I think I see a little light at the end, though it's still a distance away.
Right now I'm surrounded by darkness. Can't see clearly. Can't hear a thing.
It sucks to be here.
Just need to keep walking....
XOXO
Monday, April 8, 2013
Joe Journal: Escalator
Been exactly another week since I ran into Joe again. It seems I only see him on Mondays now.
The gym was so crowded. He was working out and chatting with some friends. When I arrived, I knew he kinda saw me. Apart from that, the rest of the night was cold. He didn't bother to look at me at all, even as I walked by. No chance for me to smile, say hi or just have eye contact. I was left feeling high and dry.
Being left to lick my wounds, I left after showering and I saw he was doing some post workout stretching. I went upstairs to Subway to 'tapao' dinner/supper. On my way down, I saw him walking out of the gym. He didn't see me. I was heading down to the carpark. I intentionally slowed down so that he would catch up with me. I was lucky he was going to the same place as me.
He was literally standing behind me on the escalator/walkalator. I didn't turn back, but I knew he was standing behind me. And it so happened we both parked on level B2. So he tailed me all the way to the autopay machine. When I was paying, he was waiting behind me. Then when I left, I saw him paying at the same machine I did.
In retrospect, I should have turned to say hi. Don't know why I didn't think of doing it at all. That was the perfect opportunity. Isolated, just us, no on lookers. I could have just gave him my name card or something. Even if I made a fool of myself and he wasn't interested, at least it was isolated.
Another way of looking at it, the fact he didn't make any move even though I was just in front of him at a quiet place..... that just shows he's not interested. Or, he's super closeted to the point he just doesn't have the guts to hit on another guy. OK the first reason makes more sense.
So you guys were right to think I am crazy and totally imagining things. For a moment, it all felt so real. Honestly. The way he looked at me. I didn't initiate it. He looked at me a certain way, and it gave me the impression. Fuck.
And this painfully reminds me of the whole Eric saga. I mean, if you read back all my old posts related to crushes, I'm sure you will find that I wrote similar things, like thinking it was all so real.
I just feel like such an idiot hahaha..... and I guess I have had a bit of closure now? It's just such a pity, because he's so fucking gorgeous and his cool and calm personality just makes him so much hotter............ OK, fine.... you guys can roll your eyes now..
I'm hurt, and left feeling horribly empty inside now... All the feelings and time and emotions that I invested into Joe, only to be slapped in the face. But I will recover. Just not tonight. Maybe in a few days. Or weeks.
XOXO
The gym was so crowded. He was working out and chatting with some friends. When I arrived, I knew he kinda saw me. Apart from that, the rest of the night was cold. He didn't bother to look at me at all, even as I walked by. No chance for me to smile, say hi or just have eye contact. I was left feeling high and dry.
Being left to lick my wounds, I left after showering and I saw he was doing some post workout stretching. I went upstairs to Subway to 'tapao' dinner/supper. On my way down, I saw him walking out of the gym. He didn't see me. I was heading down to the carpark. I intentionally slowed down so that he would catch up with me. I was lucky he was going to the same place as me.
He was literally standing behind me on the escalator/walkalator. I didn't turn back, but I knew he was standing behind me. And it so happened we both parked on level B2. So he tailed me all the way to the autopay machine. When I was paying, he was waiting behind me. Then when I left, I saw him paying at the same machine I did.
In retrospect, I should have turned to say hi. Don't know why I didn't think of doing it at all. That was the perfect opportunity. Isolated, just us, no on lookers. I could have just gave him my name card or something. Even if I made a fool of myself and he wasn't interested, at least it was isolated.
Another way of looking at it, the fact he didn't make any move even though I was just in front of him at a quiet place..... that just shows he's not interested. Or, he's super closeted to the point he just doesn't have the guts to hit on another guy. OK the first reason makes more sense.
So you guys were right to think I am crazy and totally imagining things. For a moment, it all felt so real. Honestly. The way he looked at me. I didn't initiate it. He looked at me a certain way, and it gave me the impression. Fuck.
And this painfully reminds me of the whole Eric saga. I mean, if you read back all my old posts related to crushes, I'm sure you will find that I wrote similar things, like thinking it was all so real.
I just feel like such an idiot hahaha..... and I guess I have had a bit of closure now? It's just such a pity, because he's so fucking gorgeous and his cool and calm personality just makes him so much hotter............ OK, fine.... you guys can roll your eyes now..
I'm hurt, and left feeling horribly empty inside now... All the feelings and time and emotions that I invested into Joe, only to be slapped in the face. But I will recover. Just not tonight. Maybe in a few days. Or weeks.
XOXO
Monday, April 1, 2013
Joe: So What Does This Mean?
Breakthrough!
Just when I start beating myself up for falling for him, and getting all emo for weeks, I think he's starting to show some signs.
Like what the hell!?!?! Why now, after the emotional roller coaster ride I put myself through.... this only confuses me so much more....
I NEED YOUR HELP to interpret today's incident! Come, let's play detective / mystery solver together!! :P
So we haven't seen each other in a week. I miss him like crazy. When I reached the gym, I saw him, or his back. He was walking to the water dispenser and taking a drink. When he was done, he turned to chat with someone, then when I walked past him, I could see him turning his head all the way just to look at me walk into the locker room. I was just happy to see him again!
When I came out, I was walking to the treadmill, will pass by the weights area, which I know he will be around there. He was seated by the walkway, when I walked past him, again I could sense that he turned to look at me. But for some fucking reason, I just didn't have the guts to look him in the eye today, so I just kept looking forward and walking. So if he was indeed looking at me, he must have thought I didn't care. Fuck, what's wrong with me????
OK, so it could all just be in my head. Coz after that, when we were both doing our workouts, occasionally I would glance at him from a distance, but he just looked focused, and didn't look around like he was looking for me.
Then when he was about to leave after washing his protein shaker (yes I know his routines already), I was actually also in the locker room about to head out. I was literally just seconds before him, so he was tailing behind me (maybe admiring my ass? hahaha). I stopped at the abs machine, and when I turned around, I noticed him looking at me, again. But again, I was too chicken to look at him, so I just stared at the machine and pretend not to see him. Arghhhh why am I such a cold bitch????
Then he left, I turned to see his back, disappearing from sight slowly.
And it's amazing how much his hair has grown, I mean it's only been a week. Now, he's no longer shaved head Joe. He's short spiky hair Joe.... which is actually even sexier, like a footballer. I mean, good God, he probably looks good even with an afro hahaha.... And his bright yellow shirt today is refreshing, different from what he normally wears.
So what do you guys think? Why did he stare at me, which I'm quite sure happened:
A. He's just bored and decided to look around, and just saw you as you appeared in his line of sight
B. He's looking at you because you're weird, ugly and skinny, and wondering why this guy appears so often at the gym but never really seems to bulk up much
C. Duh! He's clearly into you but maybe too shy to come speak to you, just like how you're too shy to say hi to him
D. He wasn't staring at you. Honestly, you're just a crazy nut job and imagining things subconsciously because you want it so badly
For my sake, I hope you guys don't think it's D. hahahaha.... Maybe the next time I see him, I just shouldn't be so cold or chicken out. I should just freaking smile or wink at him.
XOXO
Just when I start beating myself up for falling for him, and getting all emo for weeks, I think he's starting to show some signs.
Like what the hell!?!?! Why now, after the emotional roller coaster ride I put myself through.... this only confuses me so much more....
I NEED YOUR HELP to interpret today's incident! Come, let's play detective / mystery solver together!! :P
So we haven't seen each other in a week. I miss him like crazy. When I reached the gym, I saw him, or his back. He was walking to the water dispenser and taking a drink. When he was done, he turned to chat with someone, then when I walked past him, I could see him turning his head all the way just to look at me walk into the locker room. I was just happy to see him again!
When I came out, I was walking to the treadmill, will pass by the weights area, which I know he will be around there. He was seated by the walkway, when I walked past him, again I could sense that he turned to look at me. But for some fucking reason, I just didn't have the guts to look him in the eye today, so I just kept looking forward and walking. So if he was indeed looking at me, he must have thought I didn't care. Fuck, what's wrong with me????
OK, so it could all just be in my head. Coz after that, when we were both doing our workouts, occasionally I would glance at him from a distance, but he just looked focused, and didn't look around like he was looking for me.
Then when he was about to leave after washing his protein shaker (yes I know his routines already), I was actually also in the locker room about to head out. I was literally just seconds before him, so he was tailing behind me (maybe admiring my ass? hahaha). I stopped at the abs machine, and when I turned around, I noticed him looking at me, again. But again, I was too chicken to look at him, so I just stared at the machine and pretend not to see him. Arghhhh why am I such a cold bitch????
Then he left, I turned to see his back, disappearing from sight slowly.
And it's amazing how much his hair has grown, I mean it's only been a week. Now, he's no longer shaved head Joe. He's short spiky hair Joe.... which is actually even sexier, like a footballer. I mean, good God, he probably looks good even with an afro hahaha.... And his bright yellow shirt today is refreshing, different from what he normally wears.
So what do you guys think? Why did he stare at me, which I'm quite sure happened:
A. He's just bored and decided to look around, and just saw you as you appeared in his line of sight
B. He's looking at you because you're weird, ugly and skinny, and wondering why this guy appears so often at the gym but never really seems to bulk up much
C. Duh! He's clearly into you but maybe too shy to come speak to you, just like how you're too shy to say hi to him
D. He wasn't staring at you. Honestly, you're just a crazy nut job and imagining things subconsciously because you want it so badly
For my sake, I hope you guys don't think it's D. hahahaha.... Maybe the next time I see him, I just shouldn't be so cold or chicken out. I should just freaking smile or wink at him.
XOXO
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Joe... Again
I know it's annoying how I keep blogging about him. You guys must be sick of me going on and on with this. But understand that it isn't that easy to get over someone, especially when I haven't had any kind of closure or means to move on.
It's the end of the month, he is still very much someone that I yearn for. The feelings linger. But I'm feeling much better now. Keeping the crazy to a minimum.
Haven't seen him since Monday. Didn't see him at the gym on Wednesday or today. Wonder if he went on Thursday or Friday instead. I miss him. Even if he doesn't look at me or feel anything for me, at least seeing him makes me feel better. Or worse. It depends. But not seeing him at all is surely worst.
His eyes. His shaved head. The sound of his breath when he's sprinting. His sweat drenched shirt. That strained look on his face as he lifts that amazingly heavy barbell. His cool, calm demeanor when he just sits there resting between sets. The way we look into each others eyes, albeit briefly. His humility, shyness and reserved personality, which is something you don't expect from someone so macho and good looking. His bulging chest and biceps. His long and surprisingly skinny legs haha. His slightly tanned skin, which implies he's an outdoorsy type. The overall impression that he's in the military or some kind of uniformed body.
So many things remind me of him. Like the movie G.I. Joe. It's stupid I know. By my count, I've dreamed of him 4 times already. That's a record! Not sure how long the fantasy will last, but I secretly hope it won't end even though it's killing me.
XOXO
It's the end of the month, he is still very much someone that I yearn for. The feelings linger. But I'm feeling much better now. Keeping the crazy to a minimum.
Haven't seen him since Monday. Didn't see him at the gym on Wednesday or today. Wonder if he went on Thursday or Friday instead. I miss him. Even if he doesn't look at me or feel anything for me, at least seeing him makes me feel better. Or worse. It depends. But not seeing him at all is surely worst.
His eyes. His shaved head. The sound of his breath when he's sprinting. His sweat drenched shirt. That strained look on his face as he lifts that amazingly heavy barbell. His cool, calm demeanor when he just sits there resting between sets. The way we look into each others eyes, albeit briefly. His humility, shyness and reserved personality, which is something you don't expect from someone so macho and good looking. His bulging chest and biceps. His long and surprisingly skinny legs haha. His slightly tanned skin, which implies he's an outdoorsy type. The overall impression that he's in the military or some kind of uniformed body.
So many things remind me of him. Like the movie G.I. Joe. It's stupid I know. By my count, I've dreamed of him 4 times already. That's a record! Not sure how long the fantasy will last, but I secretly hope it won't end even though it's killing me.
XOXO
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Road To Recovery
OK, so reading back the past couple of posts, I think it's safe to say I have reached an unhealthy state. By the end of last night, I felt physically and mentally exhausted, and just cannot believe that I allowed myself to go so over board. Gone too far, my entire soul felt toxic, which is sickening.
It's not even about what Joe thinks of me anymore, it's about me losing myself over someone that doesn't even mean anything to me right now.
Special shout out to Danny, for hearing me out when I needed to talk to someone about this whole thing. And Danny, something you said really stuck to my head: "Is Joe really that important to you?". The answer is NO. I knew it all along, but I just needed to hear it come from someone else, like a wake up call.
I took your advice, and spent the whole day focusing on other things, doing things for myself, having fun, chilling out, spending some quality time on things I enjoy. Immediately felt so much better, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know why I get so worked up about crushes, and become so emotionally attached for no valid reason. It's insane. I can actually keep it together pretty well, it's just when I see him, that all those feelings start rushing back. I can't help that part. When I see him, things just happen.
For now, I just need to consciously remind myself to move forward and not think about him so much. And I'm sorry for the erratic behaviour of late, I haven't exactly been myself.
On the road to recovery..
XOXO
It's not even about what Joe thinks of me anymore, it's about me losing myself over someone that doesn't even mean anything to me right now.
Special shout out to Danny, for hearing me out when I needed to talk to someone about this whole thing. And Danny, something you said really stuck to my head: "Is Joe really that important to you?". The answer is NO. I knew it all along, but I just needed to hear it come from someone else, like a wake up call.
I took your advice, and spent the whole day focusing on other things, doing things for myself, having fun, chilling out, spending some quality time on things I enjoy. Immediately felt so much better, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know why I get so worked up about crushes, and become so emotionally attached for no valid reason. It's insane. I can actually keep it together pretty well, it's just when I see him, that all those feelings start rushing back. I can't help that part. When I see him, things just happen.
For now, I just need to consciously remind myself to move forward and not think about him so much. And I'm sorry for the erratic behaviour of late, I haven't exactly been myself.
On the road to recovery..
XOXO
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Joe Journal 4
23rd March, 2013 - A day worth documenting!
So it's still probably a one sided thing, but today I feel more calm and cool about it.
I think today I had the most contact / exposure to him than all the previous encounters combined. The moment I walked into the gym, there he was, doing some sort of stretching. It was like he was welcoming me hahaha. I was praying I would run into him again, and fate granted my wish!
As soon as I got back out from the locker room, he was doing all kinds of stretching exercises on his legs with some belt thing, and a roller, and mat. He's like a workout pro! I proceeded to the treadmill and I chose one where I had a good vantage point haha. Every now and then I would turn to admire his awesomeness, and a couple of times he caught me doing it, so I guess he notices me as well?
After that I went to the weight machines, and I was looking for him, then all of a sudden he just walked past right in front of me! In my head it was going slo-mo and I was eyeing him up and down hahaha. The chest is just like amazingly huge in that tight grey shirt!!! Like he could have chosen a different path, but no, he walked by me. He grabbed a mat and did some kind of workout just behind me, and was like 3 metres away.
Then he went to do some rope skipping. I was surprised because he normally does the barbell and weights only, today the gym was much more quiet, so maybe he decided to focus on cardio? There's nothing sexier than seeing a really muscular guy doing something not so macho like rope skipping haha. I could hear every skip as the rope hit the ground, and it just made my heart skip by its beat. And it wasn't just normal skip rope okay, he was like lifting his legs up to like a 90 degree position kind of thing, like I said he's a workout pro!! <3 br="">
OK I'm realizing how crazy I'm sounding, but what the heck, I'll continue documenting this day.
Then I proceeded to the bicep machine, which was situated right next to, and facing the 100m running track. Then out of no where, he just comes sprinting by, I had no idea he was even going to run on the track!! Like I had a front row view of him running back and forth okay!!! And because I was near the end of the track, every time when he reached the end and would turn around, I guess he could see me, and I was just sitting there admiring him, and we were so close physically, I could actually hear him breathing and panting! And to see him work out a sweat and drench that grey shirt, is like so fucking sexy.................. Nuff said.
Then he disappeared into the locker room, I was just walking around like a frantic duck. Then he came out and was walking towards the water dispenser to fill up his protein shake, and we had a brief eye contact moment. And I was almost certain that he gave a rye smile when he saw me, but I panicked as soon as I saw him looking at me and turned away LOL......
When he was done with his drink, he went back to the locker room, I knew he was preparing to leave already. So being the crazy stalker that I am, I walked into the locker room, and we had another eye contact moment loh. I think he should know I like him..... he would have to be an idiot not to notice. So it was like the whole day today we were playing cat and mouse, sort of teasing each other.... At least that's what I felt. Again, it could all just be in my head, and most likely is.... but I've decided that I'm just gonna enjoy these little moments and enjoy his presence. Even if it's not meant to be, at least I would have had a good time ogling and fantasizing about Joe.
OK, I'm officially nuts. Don't worry, I'm keeping it in check.
I won't go do anything stupid. Promise.
Right now I'm just happy to have seen him.
XOXO
So it's still probably a one sided thing, but today I feel more calm and cool about it.
I think today I had the most contact / exposure to him than all the previous encounters combined. The moment I walked into the gym, there he was, doing some sort of stretching. It was like he was welcoming me hahaha. I was praying I would run into him again, and fate granted my wish!
As soon as I got back out from the locker room, he was doing all kinds of stretching exercises on his legs with some belt thing, and a roller, and mat. He's like a workout pro! I proceeded to the treadmill and I chose one where I had a good vantage point haha. Every now and then I would turn to admire his awesomeness, and a couple of times he caught me doing it, so I guess he notices me as well?
After that I went to the weight machines, and I was looking for him, then all of a sudden he just walked past right in front of me! In my head it was going slo-mo and I was eyeing him up and down hahaha. The chest is just like amazingly huge in that tight grey shirt!!! Like he could have chosen a different path, but no, he walked by me. He grabbed a mat and did some kind of workout just behind me, and was like 3 metres away.
Then he went to do some rope skipping. I was surprised because he normally does the barbell and weights only, today the gym was much more quiet, so maybe he decided to focus on cardio? There's nothing sexier than seeing a really muscular guy doing something not so macho like rope skipping haha. I could hear every skip as the rope hit the ground, and it just made my heart skip by its beat. And it wasn't just normal skip rope okay, he was like lifting his legs up to like a 90 degree position kind of thing, like I said he's a workout pro!! <3 br="">
OK I'm realizing how crazy I'm sounding, but what the heck, I'll continue documenting this day.
Then I proceeded to the bicep machine, which was situated right next to, and facing the 100m running track. Then out of no where, he just comes sprinting by, I had no idea he was even going to run on the track!! Like I had a front row view of him running back and forth okay!!! And because I was near the end of the track, every time when he reached the end and would turn around, I guess he could see me, and I was just sitting there admiring him, and we were so close physically, I could actually hear him breathing and panting! And to see him work out a sweat and drench that grey shirt, is like so fucking sexy.................. Nuff said.
Then he disappeared into the locker room, I was just walking around like a frantic duck. Then he came out and was walking towards the water dispenser to fill up his protein shake, and we had a brief eye contact moment. And I was almost certain that he gave a rye smile when he saw me, but I panicked as soon as I saw him looking at me and turned away LOL......
When he was done with his drink, he went back to the locker room, I knew he was preparing to leave already. So being the crazy stalker that I am, I walked into the locker room, and we had another eye contact moment loh. I think he should know I like him..... he would have to be an idiot not to notice. So it was like the whole day today we were playing cat and mouse, sort of teasing each other.... At least that's what I felt. Again, it could all just be in my head, and most likely is.... but I've decided that I'm just gonna enjoy these little moments and enjoy his presence. Even if it's not meant to be, at least I would have had a good time ogling and fantasizing about Joe.
OK, I'm officially nuts. Don't worry, I'm keeping it in check.
I won't go do anything stupid. Promise.
Right now I'm just happy to have seen him.
XOXO
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Joe Journal 3
Dear Joe,
What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.
Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee).
Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.
If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.
I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?
How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.
I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.
XOXO
What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.
Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee).
Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.
If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.
I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?
How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.
I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.
XOXO
Friday, March 15, 2013
Joe Journal 2 - The End
15th March, 2013 Friday
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Joe Journal 1
11th March, 2013 Monday
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Saturday, March 9, 2013
His name is Joe
OK, so there's this guy..... His name is Joe.
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
Now I just want to lick his balls.
XOXO
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
And So It Was A Phase?
To be honest it's not that unexpected.
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
Monday, February 18, 2013
Quickie! CNY & Valentine's
I mean a quick update, that is... hahaha. Not what you think!
CNY doesn't really feel like CNY this year. Not sure if it's the lack of atmosphere in general, or because I started working, so the build up to CNY was virtually non-existent in my mind. It just hit me in the face. LOL. I was just coasting along with everyone.
Even though I had 1 week off, it didn't seem enough to accomplish all the things I wanted to do.
I guess the best part was being able to sleep longer each day. But still I felt tired, and still am now.
Didn't do that much running around either. Didn't see that many relatives this year. Happy that I did spent some time with friends and siblings. Thank goodness the ang paus still came haha even though I wasn't there to receive some of it personally :P
Valentine's was pretty shitty. Actually I mean it was a normal day. But as I blogged about recently I'm in the mood for love lately, so yeah....... felt kind of miserable even though there was no real need to. And then there was that thing where I dragged myself to the sauna for some long deprived physical contact *cough cough* But I will not go on about that, except that it was good and it's over. So I'm still on the search for that someone, just needed a bit of release on a lonely day.
After Valentine's I started getting more messages on Jack'd haha. There was this 1 guy that was kind of cute and sexy, and we hit it off more than the usual chats I have on there. So we chatted and almost met up for drinks that night, but in the end it didn't happen because I was just feeling too tired and lazy to go out. Plus I suck at socializing and talking to strangers. Like I can be pretty boring at times, and may run out of things to say so.......... He said we could always hang out some other day, but then now I have started working again and won't have much time, and he's working too and stays quite far away from me......... So I don't see much progress there LOL.
So that was my CNY.
LOLLLLL
Need to sleep now :'( Work life sucks...
XOXO
J-boy
CNY doesn't really feel like CNY this year. Not sure if it's the lack of atmosphere in general, or because I started working, so the build up to CNY was virtually non-existent in my mind. It just hit me in the face. LOL. I was just coasting along with everyone.
Even though I had 1 week off, it didn't seem enough to accomplish all the things I wanted to do.
I guess the best part was being able to sleep longer each day. But still I felt tired, and still am now.
Didn't do that much running around either. Didn't see that many relatives this year. Happy that I did spent some time with friends and siblings. Thank goodness the ang paus still came haha even though I wasn't there to receive some of it personally :P
Valentine's was pretty shitty. Actually I mean it was a normal day. But as I blogged about recently I'm in the mood for love lately, so yeah....... felt kind of miserable even though there was no real need to. And then there was that thing where I dragged myself to the sauna for some long deprived physical contact *cough cough* But I will not go on about that, except that it was good and it's over. So I'm still on the search for that someone, just needed a bit of release on a lonely day.
After Valentine's I started getting more messages on Jack'd haha. There was this 1 guy that was kind of cute and sexy, and we hit it off more than the usual chats I have on there. So we chatted and almost met up for drinks that night, but in the end it didn't happen because I was just feeling too tired and lazy to go out. Plus I suck at socializing and talking to strangers. Like I can be pretty boring at times, and may run out of things to say so.......... He said we could always hang out some other day, but then now I have started working again and won't have much time, and he's working too and stays quite far away from me......... So I don't see much progress there LOL.
So that was my CNY.
LOLLLLL
Need to sleep now :'( Work life sucks...
XOXO
J-boy
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Looking At Me
Lately I noticed some people have been eying me, like not just guys, but also women and some random people on the street. Which makes me wonder what they are looking at...
It could be the 'Oh that guy is hot/cute/handsome' kind of stare, or the 'Ughh that guy is hideous/weird/gay' kind of stare. Honestly I can't be sure which it is LOL. I don't see looks of disgust on people's faces, but also no obvious smiles or nods of approval hahaha. Just stares.
Ever since I got a haircut for CNY which involved shaving both sides of the head, leaving spiky hair only at the top, I think that has given me a cooler, edgier look haha... like I've never had my hair that short on the sides before. And I'm also starting to come into my own in terms of personal style. My sisters have been impressed with my choices lately, and I rarely get fashion misses now :P
I no longer look shabby compared to when I was still in college wearing baggy T-shirts and didn't care that much about fashion. My dress sense is more polished these days, but also much more GAY haha. I think it has become more obvious, but I don't really care.
My body is also in better shape I guess, I'm not as skinny as I used to be. I feel healthier. After gymming for more than a year, I can definitely see some differences in the mirror. So overall the confidence is higher. And when you're comfortable in your own skin, I think other people start to notice and appreciate it as well.
But then again, that could all be in my head.
But I can say from observation, since I got the hair cut, more guys stare at me when I'm at the gym haha :P I also noticed I only get attention when I'm wearing contact lenses. Some days when I feel tired/lazy after work, and just show up at the gym with glasses and messy hair, almost NO guys check me out LOL!! That shows the importance of personal grooming, and NOT wearing spectacles haha!
I'm still feeling the same way about relationships as my previous post, so I'm feeling much more..... (what's the word) like I don't know how to describe it, just feeling unrealistically hopeful and every time I see a guy that is kind of my type or is just generally hot, I will feel flirty and wonder if he's into me or not, and I fee like I just want to jump into the dating train right away (or jump into his arms hahaha), and perhaps I wish for things to happen way too quickly than it should ideally, because I know from past experience that I fall too easily, and usually for all the wrong people and wrong reasons, but my heart right now just craves for male attention, and the heart's irrationality has somehow suppressed my mind's rationality and logic (it's like my normally strong willed mind is now weirdly submissive after being drugged by hippies and lets my crazy heart take over), so I seem to be very easily attracted to like just any guy that is relatively hot or fits certain criteria, or sometimes when a stranger just happens to make eye contact with me or stands next to me, then I start fantasizing about him, and I know that's highly childish and stupid on so many levels, I mean it's like been there, done that kind of shit, but I can't help feeling that way lately, since 2013 I've been like a hopeless romantic maniac, I haven't even had sex with strangers anymore because I want to make that change, and so I feel like I need a date right now, and oh my god the thought that I'm going to spend Valentine's alone this year just upsets me, even though I've done that for so many years, but this year feels different, I feel different, but things might not happen that quickly, and for something to really work out, it shouldn't happen that quickly, but my heart says fuck it, I want something to happen now.
OK shit, I salute you if you read this entire paragraph, and yes I deliberately wrote it in one mega sentence, to really express how despo I'm feeling hahahaha....
So I guess it's a good thing that people are noticing me, whether it's for good or bad reasons LOL.
XOXO
It could be the 'Oh that guy is hot/cute/handsome' kind of stare, or the 'Ughh that guy is hideous/weird/gay' kind of stare. Honestly I can't be sure which it is LOL. I don't see looks of disgust on people's faces, but also no obvious smiles or nods of approval hahaha. Just stares.
Ever since I got a haircut for CNY which involved shaving both sides of the head, leaving spiky hair only at the top, I think that has given me a cooler, edgier look haha... like I've never had my hair that short on the sides before. And I'm also starting to come into my own in terms of personal style. My sisters have been impressed with my choices lately, and I rarely get fashion misses now :P
I no longer look shabby compared to when I was still in college wearing baggy T-shirts and didn't care that much about fashion. My dress sense is more polished these days, but also much more GAY haha. I think it has become more obvious, but I don't really care.
My body is also in better shape I guess, I'm not as skinny as I used to be. I feel healthier. After gymming for more than a year, I can definitely see some differences in the mirror. So overall the confidence is higher. And when you're comfortable in your own skin, I think other people start to notice and appreciate it as well.
But then again, that could all be in my head.
But I can say from observation, since I got the hair cut, more guys stare at me when I'm at the gym haha :P I also noticed I only get attention when I'm wearing contact lenses. Some days when I feel tired/lazy after work, and just show up at the gym with glasses and messy hair, almost NO guys check me out LOL!! That shows the importance of personal grooming, and NOT wearing spectacles haha!
I'm still feeling the same way about relationships as my previous post, so I'm feeling much more..... (what's the word) like I don't know how to describe it, just feeling unrealistically hopeful and every time I see a guy that is kind of my type or is just generally hot, I will feel flirty and wonder if he's into me or not, and I fee like I just want to jump into the dating train right away (or jump into his arms hahaha), and perhaps I wish for things to happen way too quickly than it should ideally, because I know from past experience that I fall too easily, and usually for all the wrong people and wrong reasons, but my heart right now just craves for male attention, and the heart's irrationality has somehow suppressed my mind's rationality and logic (it's like my normally strong willed mind is now weirdly submissive after being drugged by hippies and lets my crazy heart take over), so I seem to be very easily attracted to like just any guy that is relatively hot or fits certain criteria, or sometimes when a stranger just happens to make eye contact with me or stands next to me, then I start fantasizing about him, and I know that's highly childish and stupid on so many levels, I mean it's like been there, done that kind of shit, but I can't help feeling that way lately, since 2013 I've been like a hopeless romantic maniac, I haven't even had sex with strangers anymore because I want to make that change, and so I feel like I need a date right now, and oh my god the thought that I'm going to spend Valentine's alone this year just upsets me, even though I've done that for so many years, but this year feels different, I feel different, but things might not happen that quickly, and for something to really work out, it shouldn't happen that quickly, but my heart says fuck it, I want something to happen now.
OK shit, I salute you if you read this entire paragraph, and yes I deliberately wrote it in one mega sentence, to really express how despo I'm feeling hahahaha....
So I guess it's a good thing that people are noticing me, whether it's for good or bad reasons LOL.
XOXO
Monday, January 21, 2013
Ready for Love?
Recently there's been a change in me.
All the boyfriend dreams (yeah, I had another one, which featured kissing on a rooftop while some people were committing suicide by jumping off the edge, it's so Lana Del Rey haha) could be an indicator that I crave for something more.
I know it's hard to believe I can change so suddenly, even I do not quite believe it completely, nor do I know how to explain it. It's just how the heart feels. It's the emotions, the giddiness of wanting to be with someone again.. I think the word is 'hopeful again'. I used to feel like that a long time ago, but suppressed those feelings after constantly walking into dead ends and un-reciprocated feelings.
For a long time I taught myself how to be fine on my own, in fact I still feel fine about it now. But it's a realization that I don't have to be so alone. To not be so afraid of opening up and being vulnerable, I always say I used to be such an emotional wreck and naive when I was in love, and hopelessly delusional and scarring my mind. I fear going back there. But now my maturity has widened.
Maybe it's the change of year, the slipping away of time that made me realize I need something more than just sex. Also probably the questioning of my old lifestyle, and how it may affect my health and well being.
Can't say how I will feel about this next month, let alone next week.... but right now I'm quite certain.
Easier said than done though, now that I know I want to date, doesn't mean I will be able to find someone hahaha..... I might have entered the market a little too late LOL, or have NO market value in the dating realm as compared to the sex realm :(
Regardless, at least I'm taking a step in that direction!!
Wish me luck haha, I need it :P
XOXO
All the boyfriend dreams (yeah, I had another one, which featured kissing on a rooftop while some people were committing suicide by jumping off the edge, it's so Lana Del Rey haha) could be an indicator that I crave for something more.
I know it's hard to believe I can change so suddenly, even I do not quite believe it completely, nor do I know how to explain it. It's just how the heart feels. It's the emotions, the giddiness of wanting to be with someone again.. I think the word is 'hopeful again'. I used to feel like that a long time ago, but suppressed those feelings after constantly walking into dead ends and un-reciprocated feelings.
For a long time I taught myself how to be fine on my own, in fact I still feel fine about it now. But it's a realization that I don't have to be so alone. To not be so afraid of opening up and being vulnerable, I always say I used to be such an emotional wreck and naive when I was in love, and hopelessly delusional and scarring my mind. I fear going back there. But now my maturity has widened.
Maybe it's the change of year, the slipping away of time that made me realize I need something more than just sex. Also probably the questioning of my old lifestyle, and how it may affect my health and well being.
Can't say how I will feel about this next month, let alone next week.... but right now I'm quite certain.
Easier said than done though, now that I know I want to date, doesn't mean I will be able to find someone hahaha..... I might have entered the market a little too late LOL, or have NO market value in the dating realm as compared to the sex realm :(
Regardless, at least I'm taking a step in that direction!!
Wish me luck haha, I need it :P
XOXO
Saturday, January 12, 2013
That Night
The memory of it is fuzzy, and I haven't told anyone yet.
It was new year's eve, I attended a dinner party. The place was really crowded, I was walking up this hill to the restaurant. People everywhere.
I went to the toilet and there was this guy with his pants down, peeing in a cubicle with the door open. People walking by were staring. Someone even took a photo of his ass. Like WTF....
I made my way back outside. I remember seeing my family. Don't really recall what happened next.
Then it was midnight. People started rushing outside, I remember walking down the hill.
I couldn't find my family, so I made my way through the crowd back up the hill.
The restaurant transformed into a house. Not sure who's, but I walked in... and my family was there, along with strangers. The floor was wet. Everyone was wet. There was some sort of water party to celebrate the new year. I missed out. I walked to the back of the house.
Then I met him.
He was shirtless, we went out from the back door of the house. It was pitch black. We stopped at the middle of the street. No one else was around. He hugged me from behind. I could feel his toned muscular body LOL. It was all oiled up.... somehow the water was oil? He took my clothes off and fucked me right there and then, while we were both standing on the street. It was a big risk, luckily no one saw us.
It didn't last long. The sky was starting to get bright. I put my clothes back on and he left. I was all alone. I walked back to the house, it became a school or some sort of welfare home. The guard stared at me as I made my way back in. I think he saw what I did.
Then, I woke up. Yes, you've probably guessed it was just a dream.
Interesting right?
I rarely get sex related dreams, this was only like the 3rd time, ever... hahaha.... And NO, it was NOT a wet dream......
I wonder if that's a sign that I will meet that special someone this year? :)
XOXO
It was new year's eve, I attended a dinner party. The place was really crowded, I was walking up this hill to the restaurant. People everywhere.
I went to the toilet and there was this guy with his pants down, peeing in a cubicle with the door open. People walking by were staring. Someone even took a photo of his ass. Like WTF....
I made my way back outside. I remember seeing my family. Don't really recall what happened next.
Then it was midnight. People started rushing outside, I remember walking down the hill.
I couldn't find my family, so I made my way through the crowd back up the hill.
The restaurant transformed into a house. Not sure who's, but I walked in... and my family was there, along with strangers. The floor was wet. Everyone was wet. There was some sort of water party to celebrate the new year. I missed out. I walked to the back of the house.
Then I met him.
He was shirtless, we went out from the back door of the house. It was pitch black. We stopped at the middle of the street. No one else was around. He hugged me from behind. I could feel his toned muscular body LOL. It was all oiled up.... somehow the water was oil? He took my clothes off and fucked me right there and then, while we were both standing on the street. It was a big risk, luckily no one saw us.
It didn't last long. The sky was starting to get bright. I put my clothes back on and he left. I was all alone. I walked back to the house, it became a school or some sort of welfare home. The guard stared at me as I made my way back in. I think he saw what I did.
Then, I woke up. Yes, you've probably guessed it was just a dream.
Interesting right?
I rarely get sex related dreams, this was only like the 3rd time, ever... hahaha.... And NO, it was NOT a wet dream......
I wonder if that's a sign that I will meet that special someone this year? :)
XOXO
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Melissa AsNTM
I've been following Asia's Next Top Model since the very beginning, and those of you who know me on fb will know that I've been actively commenting and supporting both the AsNTM page and also our country's representative Melissa!! :)
Just wanted to say I'm so proud to have such a lovely girl represent Malaysia, she definitely makes you smile and has the ability to make you root for her week after week. She was not born a typical model, ie she is not the tallest girl, and by industry standards she is considered a little heavy, even though she does NOT look fat at all. She actually has a great, healthy sized figure, and she also plays and coaches tennis so she should be fit. Unfortunately the modelling industry craves stick thin girls.
If you watch the show, you will see her work and try hard and improving week by week, even though some of the other girls look more like models. What stands out is her bubbly and positive attitude which is infectious, and the show tends to feature a lot of her crazy and over the top expressions hahahaha, probably because she is one of the more outspoken contestants in the competition.
Anyway, even though Melissa was eliminated this week, I think she has definitely made an impact on her fans, and become a role model for everyone who is or was ever an underdog, or perhaps to those who feel like they are not good enough because they do not fit a certain stereotype.
For those who can't watch AsNTM on StarWorld, you're in luck because AsNTM also uploads the episodes on YouTube!! Currently you can watch up to episode 5 online ;)
http://www.facebook.com/AsiasNextTopModel
Will continue to support Melissa for sure :)
XOXO
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Resolutions 2013
After much thought, here are my resolutions for 2013, for now. All items in the list are subject to change, because circumstances change, and my needs and desires varies with time LOL.
1. Be healthier, stay healthy
This can be done in so many ways, including sleeping earlier and not letting work stress me out too much. Be spiritually happy LOL. Eat less fast food. Making smarter choices when possible.
2. Maintain gym routine
Right now I gym 3 times a week, I will try my best to stay motivated and continue working out. I definitely feel and see the difference in the chest and biceps :P Perhaps more work on abs, which is the suckiest part of my body now. Also try to gain some weight from my current 58 :P
3. Cut down on casual sex
I realize it's becoming a bit of an addiction. I think I really need to pull out the self control and discipline. Maybe form a support group and collect rings or tags to denote/celebrate how long since I've last had sex like what recovering alcoholics do LOL. I will try to use 2013 as my clean slate. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution hahaha!!!
4. Get tested
I think it's high time I had a HIV test. I know I always play safe, but still there is a risk. And I know to get the most accurate results, I should remain abstinent for a few months, or else I need to get tested like every 3-6 months maybe, because I think the virus can remain latent initially right..
5. Seriously consider what to do with my romantic/love life
I've said it several times already, but I think I'm kind of ready to date. At least I'm more wise now, and no longer that emotionally damaged. Perhaps it's time to explore possibilities in 2013.
Okies, that about sums it up. Will update/change when necessary.
XOXO
1. Be healthier, stay healthy
This can be done in so many ways, including sleeping earlier and not letting work stress me out too much. Be spiritually happy LOL. Eat less fast food. Making smarter choices when possible.
2. Maintain gym routine
Right now I gym 3 times a week, I will try my best to stay motivated and continue working out. I definitely feel and see the difference in the chest and biceps :P Perhaps more work on abs, which is the suckiest part of my body now. Also try to gain some weight from my current 58 :P
3. Cut down on casual sex
I realize it's becoming a bit of an addiction. I think I really need to pull out the self control and discipline. Maybe form a support group and collect rings or tags to denote/celebrate how long since I've last had sex like what recovering alcoholics do LOL. I will try to use 2013 as my clean slate. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution hahaha!!!
4. Get tested
I think it's high time I had a HIV test. I know I always play safe, but still there is a risk. And I know to get the most accurate results, I should remain abstinent for a few months, or else I need to get tested like every 3-6 months maybe, because I think the virus can remain latent initially right..
5. Seriously consider what to do with my romantic/love life
I've said it several times already, but I think I'm kind of ready to date. At least I'm more wise now, and no longer that emotionally damaged. Perhaps it's time to explore possibilities in 2013.
Okies, that about sums it up. Will update/change when necessary.
XOXO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)