I Have Decided

Thanks guys for your support.

I don't have much experience when it comes to love and relationships, so listening to more opinions definitely helped me digest the situation in a more rational and sensible manner.

I know I may come across as naive, incapable of independent thought and selfish. Sometimes I get caught up with things related to me only, I forget the bigger picture. When I really had time to think about this, I realized it's actually not that big of a deal. So what if it doesn't work out, there are still things to look forward to in life besides seeking a lover. In retrospect there really wasn't a need for me to get so upset and emotional about this incident.

Well, after much consideration, we talked and decided to get back together for now. Like some of you said, I should cherish this relationship as it happens and not worry about the future because the uncertainty is just too great for anyone to predict.

Some of you may think this is a stupid decision, one that is made out of impulse. Well I just don't feel like letting go now. I'm aware of what I'm getting into, so I think that does make a difference, because even if it doesn't end well, I would have been better prepared for it. Like cushioning a fall. This is a shot at love, I just wanna grab the opportunity and experience it without fear. Should the journey end eventually, at least I can say I got to experience it. It won't go to waste coz life is about experiencing rite :)

So that's my current stand. Not sure if it will last, so we'll just have to see how it goes alright! Anger, frustration, doubt, sadness and regret take too much energy and effort. I know I sound so innocent and ridiculous, like a character out of a cheesy Disney fairy tale, but I just wanna live life and be happy hahaha!

Suck on that if you don't like it :D

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Guys, something traumatic happened last night and my heart is still aching now. The best way for me to recover is to talk about it with you guys. I hope you will spare me some wise words as your opinions collectively matter to me. I need a support system now.

Here's what happened...

You know that I have been seeing this new guy right. Well I have never encountered such a situation before, he's Bi. Or I think he's gay now but wants to be straight eventually.

I should have known this would happen right from the beginning and not allow myself to fall for him. The thing is, we have made a real connection this week and he has fallen for me as well. I somehow opened myself completely to him in such a short time because he just made me feel so comfortable and genuinely happy from the inside.

Truthfully he is the first guy that I like who has liked me back. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. He's amazing, probably the most caring person I have met in a very long time. After Eric, I lost faith in love. I never thought that I would be loved by another person in this life time, I thought no one would accept me but then I met him. How rare is that.

Last night we were talking, and it ended up with me asking him what his long term life plan was. He was honest to say that he planned to get married and have kids. Apparently his philosophy is to be with a guy now, hopefully have some good memories of this phase in his life before he moves on, and he expects that guy to be happy for him.

When I heard this, I just froze. To be recognized as only a 'phase' in his life. Stunned. My body was trembling beyond control and it felt hard to breathe. My heart was hurting, literally. The chest pain was awful. Eventually I did cry.

So where does that leave us? We are both hurting now. He lives a complicated and conflicted life, coming from a religious background apparently of pastors. But he likes guys. He likes me. But he has no choice. We both want to be together now, but I know the longer we stay together, the more I will get hurt later. I can't make him choose me over his family and beliefs. But again the feelings we have are still so strong.

My logic is telling me that the decision is simple. I should just end things now. It will hurt a lot but it's the right thing to do.
My heart is telling me that as long as we both feel for each other, then we should just stay together for as long as that feeling lasts. After all, it's so hard to find love now.

Right now, I'm putting this aside first as it hurts too much. One of my best attributes is, despite the fact that I'm emotionally fragile, I was trained to be mentally tough under stress and pressure situations. Yeah I had some activities in the past which made it compulsory to be like that. So now, as long as I isolate my emotions, I can still function and perform daily activities using solely my mental strength.

But a conclusion needs to be reached eventually.

So guys, I'm asking you all to give me some constructive advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Honestly.

Something New

Every now and then we meet someone online that clicks with us. :)

Sure it's rare, and I am still skeptical about forming true and sustainable bonds through the World Wide Web... but sometimes you just get proven wrong. Usually you can tell within the first conversation if there's chemistry or not. Amazing that when there is, things just move on so quickly... for me at least haha :)

I swear I wasn't really looking. I yearn for company, but certainly not begging for it now. Especially after recent events, I prefer to stick to myself. So it's really pleasant how life takes you by surprise.

OK maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I still don't know where this is going. From past experience, as well as my bro as an example ;P, I know I shouldn't rush things. Certainly no sending of crazy or emo messages or throwing myself at him. Also I need to distinguish carefully the difference between lust and love. I have learned my lesson and will use my previous mistakes to guide my future decisions!

That's the best part about growing older. You learn as life goes on.
And FYI, this person is not one of the bloggers just in case you were wondering ;)

Pissed

I hate it when people are dishonest or manipulative.
So annoying.

2 days ago a friend asked if I wanted to attend a "talk" about a new educational online service. Apparently some sort of e-learning tool. His friend was giving the talk. I asked for details but he wouldn't give it to me. He just kept on saying things like 'Just come listen, it's interesting' and 'what do you have to lose? just come'.

I'm never good at rejecting offers or requests from friends. If it were a stranger I would have said a big NO. But since we are friends (he's my junior), I thought what the heck, since it's an educational thing, just check it out rite...

So I went today. It wasn't a talk. More like a one on one discussion. That guy brought a laptop and started talking about their service. LOL it was actually for primary and secondary school students. He was describing how the program works, how parents would get a report on their child's progress, and the cost of the package, etc. So at this point, I thought, OK maybe the company is doing a survey on Uni students, to see if the product is useful since we used to be in high school not too long ago.

Turns out they were trying to get me to sign up for some sort of partnership. You know, as in selling their product for them. My immediate reaction was 'WTF? You have been beating around the bush for over 20 minutes... without a single hint that this is a sales thing', but of course all I did was smile even though I was raged. I did say some sarcastic things though. Like he said, it's important to network and communicate, otherwise what's the point of having a mouth. And my reply was, 'Erm, to eat?'.

This isn't too bad. I was more put off by that guy's attitude. He's only 19, a year younger than me. And he was saying how we should be independent and not rely on our parents for money, suggesting that I was a spoiled brat. He went on to say that he was 'successful', 'very mature' and parents that he talked to were 'impressed by his maturity'. When I heard that, I wanted to puke.
At times he raised his voice and spoke as though he was so great and I was stupid not to sign up.
We had a short debate, then I made an excuse that I had to leave and we said the insincere 'thanks and bye' to each other.

Sigh. Seriously. I was so put off by his methods. Using deception and aggression to promote your company is not wise at all. So much for maturity. And my friend, he knew what was going on because he actually signed up for it recently. He should have given the details to me straight up.

Now the 3 of us wasted our afternoon.
And yes, this is me bitching hahaha. :P

Solo

Usually I have no problem being alone. I embrace singlehood and the sense of independence that comes with it. In fact I don't even need the constant company of friends. I can be quite a loner. Spending too much time with other people irritates me. Especially if they don't stop talking. I avoid large crowds. I enjoy the moments spent alone, sitting at a cafe enjoying the view, or just at home listening to music. It's peaceful and relaxing.

However I'm not enjoying it as much lately. At times it feels too quiet. This has nothing to do with him. I'm already over it. For sure. I don't think about him on a daily basis anymore, don't think about looking at his facebook page anymore. Most importantly the feeling has faded. He made it go away.

Maybe it had something to do with stuff that happened last week. Being sick and kind of down, I felt even more low when my family kind of ditched me. Everyone had plans of their own, and they never considered to ask me to join in. Well actually I was busy with work so I wouldn't have gone with them anyway, but at least they could have asked. I had many meals last week on my own which kind of sucks.

Also I feel distant with my uni mates. We talk in class but I don't hang out with them. I just don't click with them beyond the classroom. They are nice people individually, but the gangs that they have formed... I just don't see myself fitting into any one, especially when they are already so close, I would feel like an outsider when hanging with them. I don't like to conform or change myself just to fit in. And you already know I'm weird and not exactly talkative :p

All the buddies that I can connect with are high school mates. But it's natural that we get more and more separated over time. We still have gatherings occasionally, and we are always happy to see each other and have loads of fun, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore.


So the summary for this post: I'm a lonely loner that isn't enjoying the loneliness alone.
You know I actually hate the word 'lone'. I prefer 'solo'. Sounds less desperate. But maybe that's what I am now.......

ill

It's bound to happen.
We all fall sick at some point no matter how fit you are or try to be.

I'm actually surprised how long I have managed to stay sick-free because last year I kept getting ill. Nothing serious, just the usual flu or fever. Hehe I must have good antibodies or T-cells or B-cells LOL.

Every time there is a wave, when I see people in Uni coughing their lungs out or sneezing till their noses turn red, I keep my fingers crossed that I don't get the bug. Well, guess I didn't cross hard enough this time. >.<

The flu and fever is easy to manage, just pop in some pills and you get some relief. But the part I dread is the lethargy and body aches. And also how food seems to become quite tasteless. It's worse when you have assignments to be done. Climbing up a hill is already hard, but now it feels like I'm doing it while carrying a heavy load on my back.

Sorry for being M.I.A. lately. I have been reading your blogs, just tired to comment. And I haven't been appearing much on msn either, but thanks to those who have talked to me! :) Hope I will be back on full force soon!

Have a nice weekend! :)