Recently there's been a change in me.
All the boyfriend dreams (yeah, I had another one, which featured kissing on a rooftop while some people were committing suicide by jumping off the edge, it's so Lana Del Rey haha) could be an indicator that I crave for something more.
I know it's hard to believe I can change so suddenly, even I do not quite believe it completely, nor do I know how to explain it. It's just how the heart feels. It's the emotions, the giddiness of wanting to be with someone again.. I think the word is 'hopeful again'. I used to feel like that a long time ago, but suppressed those feelings after constantly walking into dead ends and un-reciprocated feelings.
For a long time I taught myself how to be fine on my own, in fact I still feel fine about it now. But it's a realization that I don't have to be so alone. To not be so afraid of opening up and being vulnerable, I always say I used to be such an emotional wreck and naive when I was in love, and hopelessly delusional and scarring my mind. I fear going back there. But now my maturity has widened.
Maybe it's the change of year, the slipping away of time that made me realize I need something more than just sex. Also probably the questioning of my old lifestyle, and how it may affect my health and well being.
Can't say how I will feel about this next month, let alone next week.... but right now I'm quite certain.
Easier said than done though, now that I know I want to date, doesn't mean I will be able to find someone hahaha..... I might have entered the market a little too late LOL, or have NO market value in the dating realm as compared to the sex realm :(
Regardless, at least I'm taking a step in that direction!!
Wish me luck haha, I need it :P
XOXO
Monday, January 21, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
That Night
The memory of it is fuzzy, and I haven't told anyone yet.
It was new year's eve, I attended a dinner party. The place was really crowded, I was walking up this hill to the restaurant. People everywhere.
I went to the toilet and there was this guy with his pants down, peeing in a cubicle with the door open. People walking by were staring. Someone even took a photo of his ass. Like WTF....
I made my way back outside. I remember seeing my family. Don't really recall what happened next.
Then it was midnight. People started rushing outside, I remember walking down the hill.
I couldn't find my family, so I made my way through the crowd back up the hill.
The restaurant transformed into a house. Not sure who's, but I walked in... and my family was there, along with strangers. The floor was wet. Everyone was wet. There was some sort of water party to celebrate the new year. I missed out. I walked to the back of the house.
Then I met him.
He was shirtless, we went out from the back door of the house. It was pitch black. We stopped at the middle of the street. No one else was around. He hugged me from behind. I could feel his toned muscular body LOL. It was all oiled up.... somehow the water was oil? He took my clothes off and fucked me right there and then, while we were both standing on the street. It was a big risk, luckily no one saw us.
It didn't last long. The sky was starting to get bright. I put my clothes back on and he left. I was all alone. I walked back to the house, it became a school or some sort of welfare home. The guard stared at me as I made my way back in. I think he saw what I did.
Then, I woke up. Yes, you've probably guessed it was just a dream.
Interesting right?
I rarely get sex related dreams, this was only like the 3rd time, ever... hahaha.... And NO, it was NOT a wet dream......
I wonder if that's a sign that I will meet that special someone this year? :)
XOXO
It was new year's eve, I attended a dinner party. The place was really crowded, I was walking up this hill to the restaurant. People everywhere.
I went to the toilet and there was this guy with his pants down, peeing in a cubicle with the door open. People walking by were staring. Someone even took a photo of his ass. Like WTF....
I made my way back outside. I remember seeing my family. Don't really recall what happened next.
Then it was midnight. People started rushing outside, I remember walking down the hill.
I couldn't find my family, so I made my way through the crowd back up the hill.
The restaurant transformed into a house. Not sure who's, but I walked in... and my family was there, along with strangers. The floor was wet. Everyone was wet. There was some sort of water party to celebrate the new year. I missed out. I walked to the back of the house.
Then I met him.
He was shirtless, we went out from the back door of the house. It was pitch black. We stopped at the middle of the street. No one else was around. He hugged me from behind. I could feel his toned muscular body LOL. It was all oiled up.... somehow the water was oil? He took my clothes off and fucked me right there and then, while we were both standing on the street. It was a big risk, luckily no one saw us.
It didn't last long. The sky was starting to get bright. I put my clothes back on and he left. I was all alone. I walked back to the house, it became a school or some sort of welfare home. The guard stared at me as I made my way back in. I think he saw what I did.
Then, I woke up. Yes, you've probably guessed it was just a dream.
Interesting right?
I rarely get sex related dreams, this was only like the 3rd time, ever... hahaha.... And NO, it was NOT a wet dream......
I wonder if that's a sign that I will meet that special someone this year? :)
XOXO
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Melissa AsNTM
I've been following Asia's Next Top Model since the very beginning, and those of you who know me on fb will know that I've been actively commenting and supporting both the AsNTM page and also our country's representative Melissa!! :)
Just wanted to say I'm so proud to have such a lovely girl represent Malaysia, she definitely makes you smile and has the ability to make you root for her week after week. She was not born a typical model, ie she is not the tallest girl, and by industry standards she is considered a little heavy, even though she does NOT look fat at all. She actually has a great, healthy sized figure, and she also plays and coaches tennis so she should be fit. Unfortunately the modelling industry craves stick thin girls.
If you watch the show, you will see her work and try hard and improving week by week, even though some of the other girls look more like models. What stands out is her bubbly and positive attitude which is infectious, and the show tends to feature a lot of her crazy and over the top expressions hahahaha, probably because she is one of the more outspoken contestants in the competition.
Anyway, even though Melissa was eliminated this week, I think she has definitely made an impact on her fans, and become a role model for everyone who is or was ever an underdog, or perhaps to those who feel like they are not good enough because they do not fit a certain stereotype.
For those who can't watch AsNTM on StarWorld, you're in luck because AsNTM also uploads the episodes on YouTube!! Currently you can watch up to episode 5 online ;)
http://www.facebook.com/AsiasNextTopModel
Will continue to support Melissa for sure :)
XOXO
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Resolutions 2013
After much thought, here are my resolutions for 2013, for now. All items in the list are subject to change, because circumstances change, and my needs and desires varies with time LOL.
1. Be healthier, stay healthy
This can be done in so many ways, including sleeping earlier and not letting work stress me out too much. Be spiritually happy LOL. Eat less fast food. Making smarter choices when possible.
2. Maintain gym routine
Right now I gym 3 times a week, I will try my best to stay motivated and continue working out. I definitely feel and see the difference in the chest and biceps :P Perhaps more work on abs, which is the suckiest part of my body now. Also try to gain some weight from my current 58 :P
3. Cut down on casual sex
I realize it's becoming a bit of an addiction. I think I really need to pull out the self control and discipline. Maybe form a support group and collect rings or tags to denote/celebrate how long since I've last had sex like what recovering alcoholics do LOL. I will try to use 2013 as my clean slate. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution hahaha!!!
4. Get tested
I think it's high time I had a HIV test. I know I always play safe, but still there is a risk. And I know to get the most accurate results, I should remain abstinent for a few months, or else I need to get tested like every 3-6 months maybe, because I think the virus can remain latent initially right..
5. Seriously consider what to do with my romantic/love life
I've said it several times already, but I think I'm kind of ready to date. At least I'm more wise now, and no longer that emotionally damaged. Perhaps it's time to explore possibilities in 2013.
Okies, that about sums it up. Will update/change when necessary.
XOXO
1. Be healthier, stay healthy
This can be done in so many ways, including sleeping earlier and not letting work stress me out too much. Be spiritually happy LOL. Eat less fast food. Making smarter choices when possible.
2. Maintain gym routine
Right now I gym 3 times a week, I will try my best to stay motivated and continue working out. I definitely feel and see the difference in the chest and biceps :P Perhaps more work on abs, which is the suckiest part of my body now. Also try to gain some weight from my current 58 :P
3. Cut down on casual sex
I realize it's becoming a bit of an addiction. I think I really need to pull out the self control and discipline. Maybe form a support group and collect rings or tags to denote/celebrate how long since I've last had sex like what recovering alcoholics do LOL. I will try to use 2013 as my clean slate. This is probably going to be the hardest resolution hahaha!!!
4. Get tested
I think it's high time I had a HIV test. I know I always play safe, but still there is a risk. And I know to get the most accurate results, I should remain abstinent for a few months, or else I need to get tested like every 3-6 months maybe, because I think the virus can remain latent initially right..
5. Seriously consider what to do with my romantic/love life
I've said it several times already, but I think I'm kind of ready to date. At least I'm more wise now, and no longer that emotionally damaged. Perhaps it's time to explore possibilities in 2013.
Okies, that about sums it up. Will update/change when necessary.
XOXO
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2012 -> 2013
First post of 2013 baby!! Happy new year everyone! :)
I get the feeling that my blog is dying. In general I think blogs are no longer that IN anymore, thanks to the likes of Facebook and Twitter. I predict a number of bloggers will be migrating from Blogger to some other domain in 2013. I will go with the flow ;)
The end of a year definitely makes a person sentimental for a moment. On the way driving home from work on new year's eve, some of the memorable or significant events of 2012 flashed through my mind:
1. Completing a tough internship, learning from it and proud that I hung in there
2. Enjoying my last semester in Uni, which might be my last experience of student life
3. Traveling to Singapore on my own, my first ever solo trip. A mark of independence
4. My first foam party at Absolute, it was such a beautiful experience on the rooftop, the sensation of the foam, meeting Ken, I will not forget that night.
5. LOL the year I started going International haha, being able to mark Singaporean, Japanese and Australian off my fuck list. And obviously the controversy of my 'Going International' post, which is probably the most commented post on my blog of all time LOL
6. Graduation, a short but memorable experience!
7. First time flying on a long distance flight by myself haha, another mark of independence
8. Buying and using a dildo LOL!! It's nice haha :P
9. Getting my first full time job, and hence first pay check!
10. Meeting a handful of bloggers in person, I think that marks a step of me moving forward in the circle and not being so guarded :)
In my next post, I will write some of the things I wish to achieve in 2013!!
Lots of love and best wishes in 2013 to all of you,
XOXO
I get the feeling that my blog is dying. In general I think blogs are no longer that IN anymore, thanks to the likes of Facebook and Twitter. I predict a number of bloggers will be migrating from Blogger to some other domain in 2013. I will go with the flow ;)
The end of a year definitely makes a person sentimental for a moment. On the way driving home from work on new year's eve, some of the memorable or significant events of 2012 flashed through my mind:
1. Completing a tough internship, learning from it and proud that I hung in there
2. Enjoying my last semester in Uni, which might be my last experience of student life
3. Traveling to Singapore on my own, my first ever solo trip. A mark of independence
4. My first foam party at Absolute, it was such a beautiful experience on the rooftop, the sensation of the foam, meeting Ken, I will not forget that night.
5. LOL the year I started going International haha, being able to mark Singaporean, Japanese and Australian off my fuck list. And obviously the controversy of my 'Going International' post, which is probably the most commented post on my blog of all time LOL
6. Graduation, a short but memorable experience!
7. First time flying on a long distance flight by myself haha, another mark of independence
8. Buying and using a dildo LOL!! It's nice haha :P
9. Getting my first full time job, and hence first pay check!
10. Meeting a handful of bloggers in person, I think that marks a step of me moving forward in the circle and not being so guarded :)
In my next post, I will write some of the things I wish to achieve in 2013!!
Lots of love and best wishes in 2013 to all of you,
XOXO
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