The Crying Game

I just cried. In my room. Alone. Pathetic.

An hour ago everything was fine. It just takes one incident to trigger the sadness. Then I start thinking about other sad things. Before you know it, you get overwhelmed with self pity and out comes the water works.

The eyes get red and the warm tears start running everywhere. The worst part is when the mucus builds up and the airway gets congested, so you have to start gasping for air like a panting dog. It's an ugly sight. No wonder I choose to cry only when alone.

But I do feel so much better after calming down and drying up. You may think it's emo and weak to sob, personally I think it's therapeutic and a way of dealing and managing your own emotions. Not that I cry every other day... it happens maybe like once a month or two? Not sure what the exact figure is. I don't keep track. It just happens.

Don't wanna talk about why I cried. Not blogging about my problems. Now that I think about it, it's not that big of a deal. Just caught in a moment I guess.

Good nite.

Grown Out Of It

It's hard to describe the state I'm in now. No despair, I feel normal actually, whatever 'normal' means.

I'm just as confused as you guys are about the things I said lately. One moment I want to be in love, and the next I want to stay far away from it. The best way for me to explain it is that I have grown out of it. No, I'm not referring to him, I still think he is a fantastic guy. Instead I think I have grown out of the phase of wanting to be in a relationship.

In the past, I have had LOTS of crushes. You guys have heard about MK and Eric. At that time, being with my dream guy was something I wanted so badly, or at least it was what I thought I wanted. But since they never felt the same way about me, I never knew what being in a relationship was like.

But this time it's different. With this guy I'm seeing now, he's showing affection and for the past week or so we have been treating each other as though we were in a relationship. It was fine at first, but turns out it scares me. I suddenly realize that I'm not ready.

As selfish as that sounds, I just don't have the heart to be someone's other half. I think it's weird that someone likes me. I don't know how to react. I enjoy seeing other couples being sweet and getting mushy, like when you guys blog about your relationships, I will go 'Awwww that's so damn sweet!'. But it's the opposite when a guy is sweet to me. Apparently I can't tolerate it. I'm like salt. Sweetness doesn't go well with me.

I think my explanation is clear. For once in my life, I genuinely want to be single. Every time I got over a crush I say that I want to be single and independent. This time I mean it. I don't want to look anymore. Being given the chance to experience love, I realize it's not what I'm looking for now. Perhaps my feelings will change next week, or next month or next year or even the next decade. I'm in no hurry.

For now I just want to celebrate and live my life! 3 Cheers for Independent power ;)

Cold Feet?

'Someone call a doctor, got a case of a love bi-polar. Stuck on a roller coaster, can't get off this ride...'

I should have known this would happen.
I'm emotionally incapable of love. It's in my genetics.
I'm now the bi-polar bitch. When I don't have someone, a relationship is all that I want. Now that I have someone, I find myself having second thoughts.

Is it like that for any of you?

I repulse people who care about me, possibly out of fear for commitment. I don't deserve someone's love because I think it's unfair for them as I cannot love back equally. It's like a mental block.

Dear if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I assure you this is not your fault, the problem is me.
The nicer you are to me, the greater the remorse I feel.
And since we have been entirely honest to each other, I think you should know how I feel.
I know we are already taking things slow, but all of this is still new territory for me.
I do like you and your company, but I guess I need time alone.

See I told you guys I was a loner. And I'm not a typical romantic, sweet lovey guy.
Hot and Cold. Go figure.