Thanks everyone for your concern, I'm getting better by the day.... Joe who? It's pointless to spend any more time on someone who doesn't care....
The void has left me feeling an immense need to improve myself, or to make the most of my time by doing meaningful things... Rather than just surfing the web, watching series and going shopping, I've decided to maybe pick up a new skill or at least do something different every week... this will make me a better individual, and also expose myself and expand my social network, so that maybe I'll get to meet someone? hahahaha...
Recently I've reconnected with a sport that I've abandoned for some time, started being more proactive in my health by signing up a GNC membership (I bought protein haha), and for some random reason I felt the urge to swim.
After hearing so many cruisy stories of the famous KJ pool, I've decided it was time I checked it out myself. The pool operates by 3 hour sessions, so check before you go. I went for the 2-5pm session today, the entrance fee was RM4. First impression? The changing room and showers are horribly run down and slightly dark. Some doors were broken, almost all the shower heads were gone. At least the floor appeared clean. The lockers? Don't bother. It's the ancient type where you have to put in the 1 ringgit coin (which doesn't exist anymore), so nobody uses them anymore...
After changing, I carried my bag pack to the pool area, and found that everyone just left their bags at the stairs/seating area next to the pool. I didn't think it was safe with my phone and wallet inside, but heck I had no choice but to drop it there like everyone else.
The crowd? I would say 50% Indians, mostly kids and teens and their dads. The other 50% would be Chinese guys. Strangely I didn't see a single woman in the main pool. They were all with their kids at the kiddy pool. My gaydar instantly identified all the gays. Mostly were uncles with their not-so-flat bellies. I only saw a couple of Chinese guys that were of my taste. One of them kept staring at me while I was in the pool, so I knew he was one of us. I was probably the youngest and hottest *cough* Chinese boy there, so you can imagine the stares I got from the uncles.
The pool looks clean, but when you're inside, you can see like a bit of dirt on the pool floor. But overall it was acceptable. After doing 6 laps (my body was already kind of sore from gym the day before) I headed to the showers. The guy that was staring at me suddenly was following behind. He was kind of hot, I guess I would have played with him but I just didn't know how it works haha.... like he didn't exactly made a move, was I supposed to just follow him into a shower cubicle?? But they are other people in the changing room.. I saw him going into a cubicle, he looked at me and I didn't know whether that was an invitation to join him, so I just walked into a nearby stall to shower LOL. Sooooooo anti climax right!!
After a quick shower, I walked to the changing area with just my towel on. Another guy (which I'm totally not attracted to) just sat next to me to shamelessly watch me get dressed. Like it was so bloody obvious, I just ignored him. When I left, I noticed the hot guy from before was walking behind me, and coincidentally his car was just parked next to mine. Nothing happened, but I can say that the KJ pool is definitely a cruise zone.
Maybe the crowd is hotter on other days... but the condition of the changing room and showers is just disappointing... Don't think I will be back there soon.
XOXO
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Void
After all is said and done, I'm left feeling exhausted and really just empty on the inside.
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
Friday, November 8, 2013
This... is... closure
A lot has happened in the past couple of days since that discovery.
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
BIG Discovery!!!!!
OK so my awesome stalking skills finally came in handy... fine, maybe it isn't that awesome because it took me long enough to find HIS Facebook profile.
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
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