A lot has happened in the past couple of days since that discovery.
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Whoa end of a roller coaster ride! I'm really amazed on your courage to actually send him a message and talk this whole thing out, although it was just from your side.
ReplyDeleteMy balls would shrunk in front of another gym junkie!
Anyhow, time to move on ya!
Yeah it had to be done! Dragging on way too long, the ride had to come to an end coz I was getting sick from it....
DeleteNow that the ride is over, I sometimes feel empty because I spent so much time and emotions on it....... but it's better to be empty than to believe in something that isn't real right....
Time to move onwards and upwards!! I will come back stronger than ever, for my name is J-boy!!
Haha that's good. It's pretty tiring to put this to a drag. Honestly, from my stand, I don't see a relationship to bud from people around the gym, at least for me. It's too stereotypical and to wait for the prince in white horse riding in, not going to happen because of all the distractions. Hence, I'm always like the lone ranger in the gym, work out, end of story, showers and bye. Socializing zero, interaction zero, a smile will just cover everything.
DeleteWhat I'd suggest, go out. Go for travel. Go for conferences. Go for activities. People there are the ones you will see SOMETHING.
I've been waiting, and well, wallaa! Last but not least, a person from my field of career, with so many similarities. Those are the people you are looking for.
You can do it, just make step.
that sound totally right... that should be my new mantra: "Don't fall for anyone at the gym!" hahaha... actually right now I'm like a lone ranger too, I don't talk to anyone... just get about my business and leave... occasionally ogle at hot guys haha..
DeleteYeah I totally need to get out more.... And I did read your blog not too long ago, and was surprised you're taken now!! So happy for you :)
XOXO
Ogling is fine, but just bear in mind, without real decent interest in a common topic apart from gym; better lay it off
Deleteme? hahaha, well it was time I guess? Came knocking without me realizing it anyway. See? Even I can get someone outside of gym, what more of you?
Ooo. What if few days to come, he walks over and talk to you ?
ReplyDeleteAs great as that would be, I don't think it will ever happen. I'm almost 100% certain about it now... Since I started doing more Internet research on him, I realized he's not who I thought he was.... which in a way helps me move on even faster, because I'm starting to see him as a typical straight jock with no appreciation for gay people....
Deleteokay, now that you've said this, you have to PM me his name now LOL
Deletehaha I don't think I know you well enough to give you his name... I have only showed his profile to 1 person -> my nun sister hahaha....
DeleteApart from that, I think I should respect "Joe"'s privacy.....
awwww, please, it's not like im going to do anything outrageous. Plus, I was the first one who told you to wake up and did care about you.
Delete