Finally the wait is over. After weeks of uncertainty, my guy's parents sent an email to his cousin, who then informed me that: My guy is now in an institution. No visitors allowed except for parents. And he has no access to his phone or the outside world.
End of update.
Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.
The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?
I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.
I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.
Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.
For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P
XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Waiting Game
Waiting & Uncertainty. How it seems endless, not knowing how he's doing, not being able to reach out to him or do anything at all to help, truly tortures my mind to the extent that I feel like giving up at times. Take the easy way out, maybe I'll finally meet him in the after life.
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
Sunday, January 4, 2015
A Miracle Happened!
Lately my life has been so surreal, it's the kind of material that's movie worthy...
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Friday, January 2, 2015
Finding Strength
How does one move on from what I went through?
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
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