How does one move on from what I went through?
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
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