The Waiting Game

Waiting & Uncertainty. How it seems endless, not knowing how he's doing, not being able to reach out to him or do anything at all to help, truly tortures my mind to the extent that I feel like giving up at times. Take the easy way out, maybe I'll finally meet him in the after life.

But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.

My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.

How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.

I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.

All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.

XOXO
Be Strong