Institutionalized

Finally the wait is over. After weeks of uncertainty, my guy's parents sent an email to his cousin, who then informed me that: My guy is now in an institution. No visitors allowed except for parents. And he has no access to his phone or the outside world.

End of update.

Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.  

The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?

I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.  

I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.

Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.

For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P

XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong