Grown Out Of It

It's hard to describe the state I'm in now. No despair, I feel normal actually, whatever 'normal' means.

I'm just as confused as you guys are about the things I said lately. One moment I want to be in love, and the next I want to stay far away from it. The best way for me to explain it is that I have grown out of it. No, I'm not referring to him, I still think he is a fantastic guy. Instead I think I have grown out of the phase of wanting to be in a relationship.

In the past, I have had LOTS of crushes. You guys have heard about MK and Eric. At that time, being with my dream guy was something I wanted so badly, or at least it was what I thought I wanted. But since they never felt the same way about me, I never knew what being in a relationship was like.

But this time it's different. With this guy I'm seeing now, he's showing affection and for the past week or so we have been treating each other as though we were in a relationship. It was fine at first, but turns out it scares me. I suddenly realize that I'm not ready.

As selfish as that sounds, I just don't have the heart to be someone's other half. I think it's weird that someone likes me. I don't know how to react. I enjoy seeing other couples being sweet and getting mushy, like when you guys blog about your relationships, I will go 'Awwww that's so damn sweet!'. But it's the opposite when a guy is sweet to me. Apparently I can't tolerate it. I'm like salt. Sweetness doesn't go well with me.

I think my explanation is clear. For once in my life, I genuinely want to be single. Every time I got over a crush I say that I want to be single and independent. This time I mean it. I don't want to look anymore. Being given the chance to experience love, I realize it's not what I'm looking for now. Perhaps my feelings will change next week, or next month or next year or even the next decade. I'm in no hurry.

For now I just want to celebrate and live my life! 3 Cheers for Independent power ;)