Joe Journal 2 - The End

15th March, 2013 Friday
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.

Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......

He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.

Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.

That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!

It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.

Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.

XOXO