Joe Journal 3

Dear Joe,

What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.

Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee). 

Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.

If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.

I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?

How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.

I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.

XOXO