Was It The Last Time?

You'll never really know when is the last time you will see someone, until it has happened and is too late.

No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.

Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.

That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.

Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.

Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.

I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.

Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.