Linger

When you see a post title like that, you know who it's about.

How long has it been? I didn't exactly keep track, but it feels like a while now, almost convinced that I've moved on.

Haven't seen Joe in a while. Timing problem I guess.
Then..... appearing today, brought back a flood of emotions.

Happy, just to see him, to feel his presence at the gym, admiring his physicality, his facial expressions. His awesomeness.
Nervous, for no real reason, I get so uneasy when I see him. It's hard to concentrate.
Sad, because it reminds me of all the time I've wasted and went nut job crazy, yet here we stand, strangers more than ever.

The funny thing is, even until today, the way he looks at me, and notices me as I walk by.... I'm almost certain there's something more....... more than just strangers in the gym.

Yet neither of us has what it takes to make the first move. We're both too afraid. Or at least that's what I think is going on between us. The risk is just too much. Our egos get in the way.

I have a confession to make. I've been promiscuous lately. Having sex with a different guy every weekend for the past month or so. The disappointment of this whole Joe thing, left me emotionally and sexually deprived. As I said, I was saving myself for Joe, but since he didn't want me.... I decided I should go get some. And that I did.... Sex has been great lately. I don't regret it. It feels damn good.

However, being sexually satisfied doesn't compensate the emotional department. Seeing Joe today, just made me yearn for him again. Someone to love. To be loved. He's still my ideal man. I'm beginning to see some of his flaws, that he's not all that great and untouchable, which makes him more on level with me in a way, and I find that to be even more attractive.

I just don't know what to do.
Fuck.

XOXO