Finally a Change

Generally, I try to be optimistic, in all aspects of life, but the truth is 2014 didn't exactly kick off in a good manner for me. From falling ill repeatedly (nothing serious, but minor annoying ailments that kept me out of sorts) to just life being stagnant, I felt lost for the first time in life.

For the past 20+ years, there was always a simple, clear goal. When you're a kid, the goal is to be a kid & have fun and be a filial son. When you're in school, the goal is to study hard and get good grades, so that you can move into a prestigious higher institution and make your parents proud. When you're a young adult, the goal is to think about what kind of future you want to have and not screw up even though there are endless temptations surrounding you. When you're in Uni, the goal is to enjoy the freedom of adulthood and graduate with a decent GPA so that you can get a job. When you have a job, the goal is to not lose it hahaha. Then what? I guess for most people it would be about building that career and building a family. It's a long road ahead, but with no clear cut path. Everybody starts to diverge and it can be quite panicky when you don't really know what to do.

The thing is......... building a family isn't really an option for us, or at least for me. And the whole career thing...... I admit to having a mini crisis early this year, especially when you see your friends and peers moving on to big companies or achieving great things.... You just start to question if you are even in the right field, is this what you really want to do as a profession.... Should I switch jobs? Am I just bored? Do I wanna stay in this line forever? Should I switch to a different field altogether? But what about my qualifications? Does it limit me to the kind of jobs I can get? Should I consider postgraduate courses? What should I study then? MBA? Masters in my field? A Bachelor's degree in a different field? Where would I study? Australia? Singapore? Local? Or maybe I should try applying for jobs abroad, for a change of scenery? What about cost of living? Being away from family? Is it worth it? Should I just be content with my current job and stop thinking too much? Am I getting paid enough, is the increment sufficient? Am I learning enough on this job or just wasting my time?

These were just some of the questions I had in my head for weeks. I sometimes wonder if I did the right course in Uni. I do like what I do on most days, but some days I just feel like doing something completely different.

So the whole career dilemma is one thing, on the other hand my personal life was also hitting crisis mode. 2013 was Year of Joe, I wasted so much time on him, but at least it kept me occupied (in a sick, twisted way)... I'm glad I came to my senses before the year ended... but that only let me to an uncertainty for 2014. You might think uncertainty is good, it opens up many possibilities... but to me, it felt like nothing was happening. Sure I could still get sex any time via casual hookups, but I was yearning for something more... And there was just no one in sight. I started to convince myself that I may well be spending the rest of my life alone & single. My personality and character is designed for a lifetime of loneliness.

No one was interested in me romantically, or maybe I was just setting the bar too high and being unrealistic. No one was really catching my eye... Nor did I feel like I would appeal to anyone..... Self esteem was kind of dipping low low low haha....

Things started to turn around lately... career wise I feel much more settled, my mind that is. I've decided to stay at my current job for at least till the end of the year, just to persevere and show that I'm not a fickle minded quitter. It isn't bad to be honest, I do have nice colleagues and a decent pay, so I realized I shouldn't complain or compare so much.

Love life wise.... well it's still a long way to go, but at least I'm getting some interaction with a number of guys haha... There are a couple of guys I've been getting to know better on Jack'd, and then there are a couple of seriously sexy guys that I exchange pictures and dirty thoughts with (LOL), and there is also this 1 guy at the gym........... Hahahaha I know I know, you guys are going to warn me from going down that road AGAIN... Just that this cute, slight hunky guy has been exchanging eye contact with me, we have had some 'moments'. I don't really know how to interpret it yet, but experience tells me that guys these appealing to me are usually straight, and that I'm totally imagining things.... So I'm reminding myself every day not to fantasize too much and stay realistic. But at the same time, be open to possibilities :P

OK I should get some sleep.... On a random note, the whole water rationing thing is just so bloody inconvenient and annoying! Fuck this shit.... OK, sorry that was crude.  

XOXO