How does one move on from what I went through?
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
Friday, January 2, 2015
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
True Story of How I Lost My Love
What you're about to read sounds absurd, like a TV series, but it's what happened to me in recent weeks. I'm finally ready to talk about it. In fact, writing this will help me heal.
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Toughest Week. Ever.
Last week was honestly the shittiest week I've ever endured emotionally. Like it's far worse than the damage 'year of Joe' did to me. I went to really dark places.
The only thing I really need to say is a big fat THANK YOU to the 2 friends I talked to about my current guy. Thank you both for getting me through it, I truly LOVE YOU TWO!!
There's so much to tell you all about my new guy. For starters, we aren't official yet, it's not a relationship. Technically we are supposed to be 'dating' (that's what precedes a relationship right?), but because we only knew each other for a couple of days before last week, where he was scheduled to spend a week in Singapore for work, so we haven't actually met in person!
Other things you should know. He's not local (from far far away), and has just moved to Malaysia but has relatives here. Lots of paper work to settle. Lots of uncertainties. He doesn't have a local number yet. So no data, no phone calls. The only thing that connects us is WiFi and our medium of communication is WeChat (coz Whatsapp requires a phone number)....
Against all odds, we got along really well.... like when you chat with someone online, within the first couple of days you will know whether there is chemistry... right away I felt this guy spoke well, was intelligent and had a sense of humor I totally understood and appreciated. Like I didn't want to leave my phone. Guys like this do not come along very often. I felt we made great progress, then he left for Singapore last Tuesday.
And that's when I went absolutely nuts. I texted him on Tuesday, there was no reply. Oh I should mention his profession involves crazy long hours and according to Tuls, they are very good at math LOL... Wednesday I texted him, expressing concern, asking him just to acknowledge if he is alright.... NO REPLY....
My mind was running wild.... coming up with countless theories.... Was he ignoring me on purpose? Can't be coz the day before he left we had a great chat.. Or what if he met someone else, or realized he just isn't into me? What if the feelings faded? Or maybe he has no WiFi at the hotel? Can't be right... Singapore is modern and high tech... how can he not have WiFi at all? Is he just super occupied with work? Still, he should check his phone right? All I ask is for him to acknowledge that he is alive and well..... OMG did something happen to him? Did he get into an accident? Is he in a hospital bed now? Did his plane even land in Singapore? Or did something happen to his phone, the only thing that connects us.... What if he lost his phone at the airport, or it dropped in a pool of water? OMG what if for some freaky reason we may never be able to reach out to each other again? He doesn't even know my full name yet.. how will he find me? How will I find him? What if he can't log into his WeChat account anymore? He would never see all the messages I left him..... What if I never hear from him again? I would never know the reason he disappeared, and I would never get closure....
So many UNCERTAINTIES. So much WAITING. I checked my phone every other hour just to see if there was a notification from him. Like it reached the point where I would think I heard the WeChat message alert tone, only to check my phone and realized there is no message..... I texted him once every day, hoping he would reply soon........ I went berserk, I cried, I chose to believe in him and have faith, then I got worried, and believed again, and confused, and worried again...... All I know is I liked him very much, and who knows how many years it will take before I meet someone like him again.....
Just ask the 2 people I bothered the entire week. It was too much to handle I had to talk to someone and vent all my craziness..... Both of them were supportive in their own way, and offered advice the best they know how.... Their opinions were valid and it kept me from going insane... They both mentioned the same thing, which was the fact that they didn't know my guy, so they wouldn't know like whether he was for real and whether his intentions for me were true.... Thank you for looking out for me! :)
I tried my hardest to have faith in him. I really did. The simplest explanation was that he was just super busy, and there was no WiFi at the client's office and at the hotel. Still, I was extremely worried. Not hearing from him made me fear for his well being, and whether we would ever talk again. I would be devastated if he disappeared.
Sunday morning. I woke up to the familiar beep. Finally..... after 5 days of extreme emotions, he texted. He was at Changi airport, where he finally had WiFi. Turns out he really was working super long hours and only getting like 3 hours of sleep each day, and the hotel didn't had WiFi..... When he finally explained it, it seemed like all my concern was for no big deal, but you have no idea how much pain I went through....
We had a very long chat until he literally had to run to the gates for boarding.... And happy to say we're good now :) Although more travels await him (I hate his job), but more on that later!!
XOXO
Relieved J-boy
The only thing I really need to say is a big fat THANK YOU to the 2 friends I talked to about my current guy. Thank you both for getting me through it, I truly LOVE YOU TWO!!
There's so much to tell you all about my new guy. For starters, we aren't official yet, it's not a relationship. Technically we are supposed to be 'dating' (that's what precedes a relationship right?), but because we only knew each other for a couple of days before last week, where he was scheduled to spend a week in Singapore for work, so we haven't actually met in person!
Other things you should know. He's not local (from far far away), and has just moved to Malaysia but has relatives here. Lots of paper work to settle. Lots of uncertainties. He doesn't have a local number yet. So no data, no phone calls. The only thing that connects us is WiFi and our medium of communication is WeChat (coz Whatsapp requires a phone number)....
Against all odds, we got along really well.... like when you chat with someone online, within the first couple of days you will know whether there is chemistry... right away I felt this guy spoke well, was intelligent and had a sense of humor I totally understood and appreciated. Like I didn't want to leave my phone. Guys like this do not come along very often. I felt we made great progress, then he left for Singapore last Tuesday.
And that's when I went absolutely nuts. I texted him on Tuesday, there was no reply. Oh I should mention his profession involves crazy long hours and according to Tuls, they are very good at math LOL... Wednesday I texted him, expressing concern, asking him just to acknowledge if he is alright.... NO REPLY....
My mind was running wild.... coming up with countless theories.... Was he ignoring me on purpose? Can't be coz the day before he left we had a great chat.. Or what if he met someone else, or realized he just isn't into me? What if the feelings faded? Or maybe he has no WiFi at the hotel? Can't be right... Singapore is modern and high tech... how can he not have WiFi at all? Is he just super occupied with work? Still, he should check his phone right? All I ask is for him to acknowledge that he is alive and well..... OMG did something happen to him? Did he get into an accident? Is he in a hospital bed now? Did his plane even land in Singapore? Or did something happen to his phone, the only thing that connects us.... What if he lost his phone at the airport, or it dropped in a pool of water? OMG what if for some freaky reason we may never be able to reach out to each other again? He doesn't even know my full name yet.. how will he find me? How will I find him? What if he can't log into his WeChat account anymore? He would never see all the messages I left him..... What if I never hear from him again? I would never know the reason he disappeared, and I would never get closure....
So many UNCERTAINTIES. So much WAITING. I checked my phone every other hour just to see if there was a notification from him. Like it reached the point where I would think I heard the WeChat message alert tone, only to check my phone and realized there is no message..... I texted him once every day, hoping he would reply soon........ I went berserk, I cried, I chose to believe in him and have faith, then I got worried, and believed again, and confused, and worried again...... All I know is I liked him very much, and who knows how many years it will take before I meet someone like him again.....
Just ask the 2 people I bothered the entire week. It was too much to handle I had to talk to someone and vent all my craziness..... Both of them were supportive in their own way, and offered advice the best they know how.... Their opinions were valid and it kept me from going insane... They both mentioned the same thing, which was the fact that they didn't know my guy, so they wouldn't know like whether he was for real and whether his intentions for me were true.... Thank you for looking out for me! :)
I tried my hardest to have faith in him. I really did. The simplest explanation was that he was just super busy, and there was no WiFi at the client's office and at the hotel. Still, I was extremely worried. Not hearing from him made me fear for his well being, and whether we would ever talk again. I would be devastated if he disappeared.
Sunday morning. I woke up to the familiar beep. Finally..... after 5 days of extreme emotions, he texted. He was at Changi airport, where he finally had WiFi. Turns out he really was working super long hours and only getting like 3 hours of sleep each day, and the hotel didn't had WiFi..... When he finally explained it, it seemed like all my concern was for no big deal, but you have no idea how much pain I went through....
We had a very long chat until he literally had to run to the gates for boarding.... And happy to say we're good now :) Although more travels await him (I hate his job), but more on that later!!
XOXO
Relieved J-boy
Sunday, November 23, 2014
I'm Occupied!
Was supposed to publish a Tokyo related post this weekend, but didn't end up finishing it, along with many of the things I set out to do....
The reason?
There is a new guy in the picture.
No, it's not a random crush on a stranger.
No, he's not from gym.
No, he's not straight (thank god).
And Yes, we have talked. And connected on a level that I've not felt in a long long time. So it's not just all in my head (imagining things).
I don't wanna jinx it by saying too much, coz it's still way too early to say what we are...... The truth is, I don't really know if we are anything yet, and you all know I have a terrible track record in relationships.....
All I know is, I'm very happy at the moment. :)
XOXO
The reason?
There is a new guy in the picture.
No, it's not a random crush on a stranger.
No, he's not from gym.
No, he's not straight (thank god).
And Yes, we have talked. And connected on a level that I've not felt in a long long time. So it's not just all in my head (imagining things).
I don't wanna jinx it by saying too much, coz it's still way too early to say what we are...... The truth is, I don't really know if we are anything yet, and you all know I have a terrible track record in relationships.....
All I know is, I'm very happy at the moment. :)
XOXO
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Tokyo Guys Screenshots
Hehehe here's a picture post of Grindr & Jack'd screenshots I took to whet your appetite!
Not sure about you guys, but I definitely have a thing for them Jap boys.... not the hunkiest, but certainly a handful of good looking yummies :P
The last one is just hilarious right hahaha.... maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise considering Japan is full of kinky and unique culture ;)
OK I promise the coming posts will be more wordy, and I'll share more interesting stuff!
XOXO
Arigato
Not sure about you guys, but I definitely have a thing for them Jap boys.... not the hunkiest, but certainly a handful of good looking yummies :P
The last one is just hilarious right hahaha.... maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise considering Japan is full of kinky and unique culture ;)
OK I promise the coming posts will be more wordy, and I'll share more interesting stuff!
XOXO
Arigato
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Something Japanese....
haha this is kind of a cheating post.... I've been quite busy lately getting back to work and all, haven't even edited photos from Tokyo yet...
So to keep everyone entertained for now, here's a link to a very steamy video (read: porn) I looked up before I went to Tokyo haha. Yup, I actually watched Japanese porn a couple of weeks leading into the trip lol...
http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=777706218
This may be TMI, but I came like crazy jerking off to this, before the trip.... And I'm doing it right now LOL (one hand on keyboard, the other...) It's been exactly 2 weeks since I relieved myself so I expect a lot of outcome in a while haha, and it's actually the first time since I got back to Malaysia :P
Memories of Japanese lips on my tool still linger......
OK this is getting too raunchy... Enjoy the video ;)
XOXO
Happy jerking ;)
So to keep everyone entertained for now, here's a link to a very steamy video (read: porn) I looked up before I went to Tokyo haha. Yup, I actually watched Japanese porn a couple of weeks leading into the trip lol...
http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=777706218
This may be TMI, but I came like crazy jerking off to this, before the trip.... And I'm doing it right now LOL (one hand on keyboard, the other...) It's been exactly 2 weeks since I relieved myself so I expect a lot of outcome in a while haha, and it's actually the first time since I got back to Malaysia :P
Memories of Japanese lips on my tool still linger......
OK this is getting too raunchy... Enjoy the video ;)
XOXO
Happy jerking ;)
Saturday, November 1, 2014
10 Facts about... Tokyo!
Hey ya! So it's not that big of a secret that I've been vacationing in Tokyo recently! The decision to go (solo, as well) was a big one, not only because Japan isn't exactly budget friendly, but I also don't speak or understand Japanese.... But Japan is one of those magical destinations that I've always wanted to see, and it's tops on my to-visit list in this continent, so yeah.... I did months of research and prep since July and made it happen!
It also helps that fellow bloggers (William, Eric, Calvin) all went this year (not Tokyo though), which was encouraging and kind of made it 'Visit Japan Year' lol... Special shoutout to Calvin (who also fulfilled his dream of visiting Japan this year), who gave me travel advice and was genuinely excited and happy for me as I went on my trip! :)
To start off a series of posts, here are 10 things (some random) I discovered about Japan whilst in Tokyo:
1. You can survive without speaking Japanese!
It's true for Tokyo at least... the only Japanese words I ever had to use was arigato and sumimasen. The rest can be made up with smiles, hand gestures, pointing at pictures and they understand and speak basic English. Many restaurants have English /picture menu with prices stated. I also downloaded the Google Translate app which can directly detect speech in one language and translate it into audio of another.
2. Be prepared to get lost in translation
It's inevitable... some things are going to be confusing and you are going to make silly mistakes haha! Actually it's part of the fun... Some examples: At a restaurant, I looked at the vending machine and selected the picture which had ramen and a plate of gyoza, but when the food came there was also a large bowl of rice! My small stomach couldn't handle it >.<''
Another time, I ordered gyudon (beef bowl rice) which had a fried egg in the pic..... but when the food came, there was a whole, white egg in shell in 2 overlapping bowls. I wasn't sure if the egg was still raw or already hardboiled (sorry I can be blur at times), and what the 2 bowls were for. There was also a bowl of white, icky glue-like paste which was tasteless on its own. CONFUSION.
Ohhhh then there was the time I went to an Onsen (hot spring bathhouse), there was this glass door with instructions in Japanese... I tried so hard to push / pull the door... 2 dudes were staring and laughing at me.... turns out it was a SLIDING door!!! hahahahahaha
3. Japanese people are the nicest
This is an understatement. Their culture and the way they were brought up makes them organized, polite and selfless. I have experienced countless examples, whether it's at the train station, in an elevator, or just dealing with the sales person. Once you get over the language and cultural barrier, you realize Japan is a super comfortable and safe place.
4. Napping / Sleeping in public is quite common
The Japanese must be a hardworking bunch because every time I was on the train, I could see people dozing off, looking exhausted. Actually I was really tired too from walking from day till night.. Train stations can be massive and if you go in the wrong direction, be prepared for long walks!
5. Suit up, please!
Men (working adults) are almost always spotted in black suits, and their shirts are in the typical safe colours. Nothing overly bright or flamboyant. Very formal and conservative dressing.
6. Department store basement food halls are HEAVENLY!
Seriously, almost every department store basement that I checked out in Tokyo has an epic selection of food (bento / takeout style), everything appears so damn delicious and the colours are so stunning, you will have a hard time deciding on what to get. It is a more budget option (that still tastes awesome), especially for dinner / supper when they have 50% discounts an hour before they close at 8pm. Restaurants are usually pricier at dinner than lunch, so I would usually eat from department stores at night.
7. Men are not so hunky, but slim
Commercial gyms aren't big in Japan like Singapore & Malaysia.. I think Jap guys are too busy working, they don't spend so much time sculpting their bodies like us vain MY & SG-ians. The most common exercise is jogging, I saw so many joggers. Also I think the amount of walking they have to do each day (commute to and from work, stations) is enough exercise to keep everyone pretty fit.
8. Taylor Swift is BIG in Tokyo
Haha months ago I told tuls I wasn't feeling Shake It Off, thought the music video was cheesy and all... But this song really grew on me in Tokyo, because it was the only English song I heard being played, at different locations... to the point I started humming and singing it on the last day while walking around haha.
9. Man Bush Galore :)
Wow, ok this gets me so excited. I have NEVER seen so many naked guys at one go before. Not just gay saunas (more on that later), but regular onsens... where you can see naked guys walking around and bathing! Nudity is like breathing to them haha. Truly a gay man's dream!! I went to 2 different onsens, and was so happy to ogle at the uniqueness of man kind, really you see bushes, rods and balls of all varieties.... :)
10. They love booze!
OK this may be generalizing, but I always encountered people on the train and streets with alcohol breath... even some women. Obviously they don't drink till they get drunk and puke all over the place.. but I think it's more of a social thing, and maybe to keep warm?
Much more to write about, including my trip to the *cough* sauna, visiting a massive sex store which is totally legal and out on a busy main street, and pics too :P
Till then,
Arigato!
XOXO
It also helps that fellow bloggers (William, Eric, Calvin) all went this year (not Tokyo though), which was encouraging and kind of made it 'Visit Japan Year' lol... Special shoutout to Calvin (who also fulfilled his dream of visiting Japan this year), who gave me travel advice and was genuinely excited and happy for me as I went on my trip! :)
To start off a series of posts, here are 10 things (some random) I discovered about Japan whilst in Tokyo:
1. You can survive without speaking Japanese!
It's true for Tokyo at least... the only Japanese words I ever had to use was arigato and sumimasen. The rest can be made up with smiles, hand gestures, pointing at pictures and they understand and speak basic English. Many restaurants have English /picture menu with prices stated. I also downloaded the Google Translate app which can directly detect speech in one language and translate it into audio of another.
2. Be prepared to get lost in translation
It's inevitable... some things are going to be confusing and you are going to make silly mistakes haha! Actually it's part of the fun... Some examples: At a restaurant, I looked at the vending machine and selected the picture which had ramen and a plate of gyoza, but when the food came there was also a large bowl of rice! My small stomach couldn't handle it >.<''
Another time, I ordered gyudon (beef bowl rice) which had a fried egg in the pic..... but when the food came, there was a whole, white egg in shell in 2 overlapping bowls. I wasn't sure if the egg was still raw or already hardboiled (sorry I can be blur at times), and what the 2 bowls were for. There was also a bowl of white, icky glue-like paste which was tasteless on its own. CONFUSION.
Ohhhh then there was the time I went to an Onsen (hot spring bathhouse), there was this glass door with instructions in Japanese... I tried so hard to push / pull the door... 2 dudes were staring and laughing at me.... turns out it was a SLIDING door!!! hahahahahaha
3. Japanese people are the nicest
This is an understatement. Their culture and the way they were brought up makes them organized, polite and selfless. I have experienced countless examples, whether it's at the train station, in an elevator, or just dealing with the sales person. Once you get over the language and cultural barrier, you realize Japan is a super comfortable and safe place.
4. Napping / Sleeping in public is quite common
The Japanese must be a hardworking bunch because every time I was on the train, I could see people dozing off, looking exhausted. Actually I was really tired too from walking from day till night.. Train stations can be massive and if you go in the wrong direction, be prepared for long walks!
5. Suit up, please!
Men (working adults) are almost always spotted in black suits, and their shirts are in the typical safe colours. Nothing overly bright or flamboyant. Very formal and conservative dressing.
6. Department store basement food halls are HEAVENLY!
Seriously, almost every department store basement that I checked out in Tokyo has an epic selection of food (bento / takeout style), everything appears so damn delicious and the colours are so stunning, you will have a hard time deciding on what to get. It is a more budget option (that still tastes awesome), especially for dinner / supper when they have 50% discounts an hour before they close at 8pm. Restaurants are usually pricier at dinner than lunch, so I would usually eat from department stores at night.
7. Men are not so hunky, but slim
Commercial gyms aren't big in Japan like Singapore & Malaysia.. I think Jap guys are too busy working, they don't spend so much time sculpting their bodies like us vain MY & SG-ians. The most common exercise is jogging, I saw so many joggers. Also I think the amount of walking they have to do each day (commute to and from work, stations) is enough exercise to keep everyone pretty fit.
8. Taylor Swift is BIG in Tokyo
Haha months ago I told tuls I wasn't feeling Shake It Off, thought the music video was cheesy and all... But this song really grew on me in Tokyo, because it was the only English song I heard being played, at different locations... to the point I started humming and singing it on the last day while walking around haha.
9. Man Bush Galore :)
Wow, ok this gets me so excited. I have NEVER seen so many naked guys at one go before. Not just gay saunas (more on that later), but regular onsens... where you can see naked guys walking around and bathing! Nudity is like breathing to them haha. Truly a gay man's dream!! I went to 2 different onsens, and was so happy to ogle at the uniqueness of man kind, really you see bushes, rods and balls of all varieties.... :)
10. They love booze!
OK this may be generalizing, but I always encountered people on the train and streets with alcohol breath... even some women. Obviously they don't drink till they get drunk and puke all over the place.. but I think it's more of a social thing, and maybe to keep warm?
Much more to write about, including my trip to the *cough* sauna, visiting a massive sex store which is totally legal and out on a busy main street, and pics too :P
Till then,
Arigato!
XOXO
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