OK So...... I Was Wrong

I knew better. Guess I just wanted to believe so hard. There were signs of something that could have been. Maybe some of them were true, maybe some were just made up in my head.

I'm tired. Really tired. Long story short: Joe doesn't like me that way.

No, I didn't confess to him. I didn't need to. His actions lately (or rather, lack of) made me realize he doesn't look at me that way. He's distant, almost ignorant to my existence. If you like someone you constantly keep an eye on them right? He doesn't do that. Maybe he's just a friendly guy, that looks around and gives me a smile occasionally. I don't know.

He's way too hot for me anyway. He hangs with the hunky, good looking bunch.

And I'm just mental.

End of story.




 

A Walk To Remember

Well........ Joe and I met again today, in the most romantic fashion haha....

Don't worry, I'm not going down the crazy obsessive road again. It's just nice to see him, that's all.
If I'm lucky, I run into him like once a week now. And he does look happy when he sees me. And I'm pretty sure he gives me a second look every time we meet.

Today's encounter was like taken out of a romance movie. I swear I'm not exaggerating.

I arrived just a little before him. On my way out from the locker room I walked towards the cardio section. On the other end of the path, Joe appears walking towards me (locker room).

I'm telling you, it's a classic romance scene. One straight path, we stand on opposite ends.

We walked towards each other, we establish eye contact. It's like no one else is around. He was smiling, not sure if it was at me (I'm kind of sure he was staring at me), or he saw something behind me LOL.

Eventually the path gets narrower in the middle (coz of the monkey bar that gets in the way), the point where we would bump into each other.
I start to panic and my immediate reaction is to bend my head down and stare at the ground.

As we cross each other, I turned to the side while walking so that we won't hit each other. That's like the closest I have ever been to him, physically. And I realized he's quite tall, almost a head taller than me! And he's quite tanned, bet he spends a lot of time outdoors. His hair has gotten a little longer, with this slightly nerdy and flat styling. It's cute.

My heart pounds rapidly, and I get all giddy and smile like an idiot as I jog on the treadmill.

The rest of the night we were kind of doing our own things. Obviously I glanced at him a few times, but he was just focused on working out and chatting with a few people every now and then.
Stupid thing is I got jealous when I saw him talking to this other hot guy, who looks pretty gay to me LOL.

But that moment that we had today, is something I will cherish.
Joe, you may not feel the same way about me, but I will always have a spot for you in my heart.
Truly, and sincerely, I'm as real as I can be ❤ ❤ ❤

XOXO

Linger

When you see a post title like that, you know who it's about.

How long has it been? I didn't exactly keep track, but it feels like a while now, almost convinced that I've moved on.

Haven't seen Joe in a while. Timing problem I guess.
Then..... appearing today, brought back a flood of emotions.

Happy, just to see him, to feel his presence at the gym, admiring his physicality, his facial expressions. His awesomeness.
Nervous, for no real reason, I get so uneasy when I see him. It's hard to concentrate.
Sad, because it reminds me of all the time I've wasted and went nut job crazy, yet here we stand, strangers more than ever.

The funny thing is, even until today, the way he looks at me, and notices me as I walk by.... I'm almost certain there's something more....... more than just strangers in the gym.

Yet neither of us has what it takes to make the first move. We're both too afraid. Or at least that's what I think is going on between us. The risk is just too much. Our egos get in the way.

I have a confession to make. I've been promiscuous lately. Having sex with a different guy every weekend for the past month or so. The disappointment of this whole Joe thing, left me emotionally and sexually deprived. As I said, I was saving myself for Joe, but since he didn't want me.... I decided I should go get some. And that I did.... Sex has been great lately. I don't regret it. It feels damn good.

However, being sexually satisfied doesn't compensate the emotional department. Seeing Joe today, just made me yearn for him again. Someone to love. To be loved. He's still my ideal man. I'm beginning to see some of his flaws, that he's not all that great and untouchable, which makes him more on level with me in a way, and I find that to be even more attractive.

I just don't know what to do.
Fuck.

XOXO

Singaporean Luck

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Eat Your Heart Out

OK, first order of business.

I apologize if the new blog header offends you, or took you by surprised. I sure hope you weren't in a public place or in the office when you viewed my blog hehehe.

Let me know if it's too much. I'll remove it.... eventually.

I just felt like doing it..... I mean taking skanky pics of myself. This is the post-break up (even though Joe and I weren't ever together) sexy, crazy acting out phase. Showing Joe what he's missing even though he won't probably ever see this.

As for my blog readers, I guess I have never really showed you any pics of myself or body LOL, so here's something for you.....

Again I apologize if this is not what you wanted to see! This is just a one off thing, I won't be doing this in the next few posts! *promise*

OK, am I wrong for saying I have a nice ass?
It appears tight and shapely mostly due to the tightness of the briefs haha.

And I don't actually look that tanned. I edited the colour, brightness and contrast. In real life, I'm fair as a vampire.

And yup, I'm sucking in my tummy hahaha. That's the one area of my body I dislike :S

I tried taking pics of my chest from several angles (OK that sounds bloody vain), to try to show the shape and define-ness *cough cough*, but in the end couldn't find the right angle so just took a frontal shot :3

Please don't hate me k!

XOXO

Liberation

OK bitches, J-boy is back. Move over.

OK... sorry for the dramatic opening statement lol....

I had an awesome day... started out with gym (didn't see him, don't really care either), then watched a movie on dvd while enjoying a Sub, then I drove over to mandi manda and you know what happens, then I had McD for supper haha.

For the past couple of months, I have been a saint. Saving myself, sexually and spiritually for Joe. It was like I was a virgin again LOL. You might think that's stupid, but I thought it was noble of me to keep myself pure for him, I wanted to be exclusive for him. I put myself on a platter JUST for him.

But fuck that thought now. Joe, it's your lost. All of this hotness and the banging bod of mine is something you will never know and touch. Forgive me for the following hyper vain statement, but I looked in the mirror just now and I realized I'm more attractive than I give myself credit for, and my body is probably in the best shape it has ever been. So I shouldn't feel like I'm not good enough.

And if you thought I was losing my mojo, the attention I got at the sauna tonight would prove you wrong. Sure, I agree most guys there are just perverts wanting a good time, but the fact that I can get their attention despite the large crowd shows I have appeal. And it was a good crowd tonight. I was there at 8, I have never seen so many guys there (today is naked night), most are in shape and young, with very few uncles or large tummies. So it felt good to know I still got game despite the above average crowd.

Maybe the reason I have been so crazy and emotionally unstable for the past 2 months was because I wasn't having sex hahahaha. I mean, I have been so fucking deprived lately, that today's session felt so damn good, and the moment this guy touched me and used his tongue on me..... I felt incredibly sensitized, it was almost too overwhelming and I had to push his head away for a while, like it was my first time having sex again haha.... My body seemed to have forgotten the sensation, and how good it feels to be licked, sucked and rimmed. Or maybe this guy really had a great tongue. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is........... today was incredibly satisfying and much needed.

I did feel a bit dirty afterwards though. I had a thorough bath and scrubbing.... maybe it's been too long since I've been a whore. And the thought of an STD definitely went through my mind. But I did take the precautions, the golden rule still applies. But yeah, casual sex has its risks.

Don't think I will be having sex and visiting saunas again every other week, because for now I feel satisfied and tamed. Let's see how long it will last ;)

XOXO

Joe Journal: Do I See Light at the End of the Tunnel?

This Joe thing is just leaving me horribly empty on the inside.

Things were getting better. Saw him on Tuesday. Saw him today. I no longer feel so strongly about him because I'm already sensing that he feels impartial/neutral about me. He no longer looks at me.  He's just another guy at the gym. A very attractive guy in my eyes.

I'm starting to get over him, though its a day by day thing. My feelings for him oscillates, one moment I feel like I'm recovering, the next I sorely miss him.

Either way, the only word I can think of to describe how I feel is EMPTINESS.
Hollow on the inside. I'm neither happy nor upset. Just empty. Empty.

At least I'm finally starting to move on......... just need to get through this phase.

I think I see a little light at the end, though it's still a distance away.
Right now I'm surrounded by darkness. Can't see clearly. Can't hear a thing.
It sucks to be here.

Just need to keep walking.... 


XOXO