Wow so I had the best dream last night, I had to write it down haha.... It's a little fuzzy but I will share what I remember.
It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..
I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.
Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...
But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3
XOXO
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sprinkling Salt on Wound
OK so......... I was wrong. Joe is still around. I still see him, but the feelings are dying down a little, which is a good thing.
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
Monday, September 23, 2013
Was It The Last Time?
You'll never really know when is the last time you will see someone, until it has happened and is too late.
No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.
Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.
That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.
Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.
Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.
I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.
Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.
No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.
Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.
That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.
Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.
Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.
I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.
Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
HK Sauna Review! Part 1
Hi guys! Had a great time in Hong Kong. This isn't my first time traveling alone, and truthfully I enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. You can design your own schedule and activities, and have a room all to yourself! :P
I did and saw so much to the point that my feet were hurting every night from the walking, but you guys probably aren't interested to hear about the sight seeing and touristy stuff, so I'll head straight to the juicy bits.
Lets talk about Hong Kong men in general. Well... in my mind I was expecting them to be hotter and more buffed in general LOL, but in reality their hotness scale (based on what I saw on the streets, public transport, malls and saunas) is about the same as Malaysia. They still lose out to Singapore in terms of looks and muscles. Think SG National Service has something to do with the bodies. Hong Kong guys have this very ummm..... Chinese look LOL, as in slightly different from Malaysian Chinese.... not sure whether I like it or not, but there are distinct Chinese features hahaha.....
And in any country, there are hot guys and not so hot guys... but the bodies in general, as I said come secondary to Singapore. On Jack'd the variety was about the same as Malaysia, with the usual headless muscular bodies and cute acting guys. Nothing to shout about really.
I visited 3 saunas in total. It took a long time to decide which ones to go to, because the options are aplenty. I researched and read reviews on Gay Travel sites, as well as Fuelmix's blog which I have to say is very well written. In the end, it seemed Big Top sauna in Mongkok was the premier choice on a Friday night, while I also went to ABC sauna at Tsim Sha Tsui and Action sauna at Causeway Bay on separate days, simply because their respective locations were part of my travel itinerary and it was convenient.
I will talk about my experience in these saunas individually in coming posts. In general, Hong Kong saunas are small! We know the hotel rooms are smaller, the malls are smaller (but taller), and so the saunas are also smaller (not to mention more expensive). Despite the reduced size, I do have to give praise on the general cleanliness, ambiance and amenities provided (eg. free food, drinks, mouthrinse, relaxing area) were better than the saunas here.
Alright then, stay tuned for more details!
XOXO
I did and saw so much to the point that my feet were hurting every night from the walking, but you guys probably aren't interested to hear about the sight seeing and touristy stuff, so I'll head straight to the juicy bits.
Lets talk about Hong Kong men in general. Well... in my mind I was expecting them to be hotter and more buffed in general LOL, but in reality their hotness scale (based on what I saw on the streets, public transport, malls and saunas) is about the same as Malaysia. They still lose out to Singapore in terms of looks and muscles. Think SG National Service has something to do with the bodies. Hong Kong guys have this very ummm..... Chinese look LOL, as in slightly different from Malaysian Chinese.... not sure whether I like it or not, but there are distinct Chinese features hahaha.....
And in any country, there are hot guys and not so hot guys... but the bodies in general, as I said come secondary to Singapore. On Jack'd the variety was about the same as Malaysia, with the usual headless muscular bodies and cute acting guys. Nothing to shout about really.
I visited 3 saunas in total. It took a long time to decide which ones to go to, because the options are aplenty. I researched and read reviews on Gay Travel sites, as well as Fuelmix's blog which I have to say is very well written. In the end, it seemed Big Top sauna in Mongkok was the premier choice on a Friday night, while I also went to ABC sauna at Tsim Sha Tsui and Action sauna at Causeway Bay on separate days, simply because their respective locations were part of my travel itinerary and it was convenient.
I will talk about my experience in these saunas individually in coming posts. In general, Hong Kong saunas are small! We know the hotel rooms are smaller, the malls are smaller (but taller), and so the saunas are also smaller (not to mention more expensive). Despite the reduced size, I do have to give praise on the general cleanliness, ambiance and amenities provided (eg. free food, drinks, mouthrinse, relaxing area) were better than the saunas here.
Alright then, stay tuned for more details!
XOXO
Monday, September 2, 2013
Answer This
So, just a quick survey before I call it a night...
No judgments, no right or wrong. Just tell me what you would prefer.
I find myself generally falling for guys that make me feel like shit, which lowers my self esteem like it doesn't even exist. I then think what's wrong with me, am I not good enough for you, why would you even like someone like me, and my flaws become magnified like a thousand times, etc....
As for the guys that I think I'm too good for, the inner bitch in me just cuts them down to pieces from the get go. They don't even stand a chance in my consideration. I hate that I'm so superficial.... I can't accept someone who I think doesn't deserve me, but at the same time I want to be with someone whom I don't deserve.......
Dilemma of the night LOL....
Night nights,
XOXO
Question: Would you rather date....
1. Someone who makes you feel like you're not good enough for him
OR
2. Someone who you think you're better than (ie you're probably reaching down for him)
No judgments, no right or wrong. Just tell me what you would prefer.
I find myself generally falling for guys that make me feel like shit, which lowers my self esteem like it doesn't even exist. I then think what's wrong with me, am I not good enough for you, why would you even like someone like me, and my flaws become magnified like a thousand times, etc....
As for the guys that I think I'm too good for, the inner bitch in me just cuts them down to pieces from the get go. They don't even stand a chance in my consideration. I hate that I'm so superficial.... I can't accept someone who I think doesn't deserve me, but at the same time I want to be with someone whom I don't deserve.......
Dilemma of the night LOL....
Night nights,
XOXO
Sunday, August 25, 2013
As Usual
Hey hey! Just a quick update on what's going on lately...
I'm feeling much better now, I would say things are getting back to normal... somewhat....
When I see Joe I no longer lose my mind and go completely bananas, which is a good sign. Things between us are best described as 'Hot and Cold', which is kind of the usual for the past 5-6 months. Yeah it's been that long. There are still moments where I catch him staring at me intentionally, especially on days where I choose to ignore him. But on days where I do try to warm up and appear less bitchy, he turns a cold shoulder. I don't know how to read him or analyze our situation.
Neither of us is putting in enough effort, but we still care about each other enough to feel bothered about it. I can sense he is just as distressed about this whole thing as I am. I know because we both pretend not to acknowledge each other, even though we are both painfully aware that we are actually observing each other. It's awkward but neither of us wants to stop, or do anything about it. So yeah, fuck me, fuck him.
Apart from that, I'm doing good. Work is alright, weekends are great! Still planning my solo Hong Kong trip just weeks away. Lots more research to do and digest, but it's the kind of positive stress. Obviously when traveling solo, you know I'm going to have some fun hahaha.... Been researching the gay scene over there, basically I'm going to check out some saunas IF I have the time and happen to be in the area. Lots of options in Hong Kong. Anyone wanna recommend a place that I should go or things I shouldn't miss? :P
Haven't been to a sauna since.... Singapore. Don't really have the urge to have sex with anyone, no thanks to Joe. But I have been more horny than usual lately..... so that means spending a lot of time with my hands and laptop LOL.
AND I realized my body is changing. On one hand my chest is getting a little more defined lately, but on the other, my tummy is also getting rounder and larger. Very annoying. I have been exercising consistently and I don't eat that much either... so I don't know what's wrong. Hahaha if this trend continues I will be morphing into a Bear in a few years.... but I don't have the body hair, so does that mean I only become a chub? hahahaha I better work out more :P
Till then,
XOXO
I'm feeling much better now, I would say things are getting back to normal... somewhat....
When I see Joe I no longer lose my mind and go completely bananas, which is a good sign. Things between us are best described as 'Hot and Cold', which is kind of the usual for the past 5-6 months. Yeah it's been that long. There are still moments where I catch him staring at me intentionally, especially on days where I choose to ignore him. But on days where I do try to warm up and appear less bitchy, he turns a cold shoulder. I don't know how to read him or analyze our situation.
Neither of us is putting in enough effort, but we still care about each other enough to feel bothered about it. I can sense he is just as distressed about this whole thing as I am. I know because we both pretend not to acknowledge each other, even though we are both painfully aware that we are actually observing each other. It's awkward but neither of us wants to stop, or do anything about it. So yeah, fuck me, fuck him.
Apart from that, I'm doing good. Work is alright, weekends are great! Still planning my solo Hong Kong trip just weeks away. Lots more research to do and digest, but it's the kind of positive stress. Obviously when traveling solo, you know I'm going to have some fun hahaha.... Been researching the gay scene over there, basically I'm going to check out some saunas IF I have the time and happen to be in the area. Lots of options in Hong Kong. Anyone wanna recommend a place that I should go or things I shouldn't miss? :P
Haven't been to a sauna since.... Singapore. Don't really have the urge to have sex with anyone, no thanks to Joe. But I have been more horny than usual lately..... so that means spending a lot of time with my hands and laptop LOL.
AND I realized my body is changing. On one hand my chest is getting a little more defined lately, but on the other, my tummy is also getting rounder and larger. Very annoying. I have been exercising consistently and I don't eat that much either... so I don't know what's wrong. Hahaha if this trend continues I will be morphing into a Bear in a few years.... but I don't have the body hair, so does that mean I only become a chub? hahahaha I better work out more :P
Till then,
XOXO
Sunday, August 11, 2013
SG Cruise Club review
When Hari Raya and S'pore National Day fall right before the weekend, you know it promises some fun times!
Not sure about the traffic and crowds here in the Klang valley, but I spent 3 days in Singapore and it was a nightmare, particularly on National Day where EVERYONE packed Marina Bay and it's surrounding area in the evening for the fireworks. Inside the Shoppes at Marina Bay, lines lines lines everywhere! Even in the Cold Storage convenient store the queue went all the way around the shop, and trying to get a table at the food court was like navigating through a battle field.
Rewind a day before that. Went to Chinatown for some *cough* fun in the evening. I never really noticed it before, but if you observe carefully around, you will spot signs of massage parlors that imply 'by men for men', and rainbow flags outside certain bars. The saunas remain relatively hidden from plain sight unless you know where to look for it.
Been to Absolute twice already, and the last time was a bit of a letdown, so I decided to check out the other it place in town: Cruise Club. It is one of the more happening saunas at the moment, and I can tell you the crowd was definitely there! http://www.cruiseclub.sg/
I arrived around 6.30pm, which was within the promo period for "Cadets" (meaning 18 to 25y/o) so the entrance was FREE, but I paid SGD10 to register as a member.
The theme that night was 'Hank Panky Eclipse', which is basically their usual Thursday theme of short towels, plus the 'Eclipse', meaning blackout on certain areas/floors. It was my first time there, so I wouldn't know whether it was darker than usual LOL, but apart from the usual dark room and maze, the other areas were still lit hahaha.
The place had 3 floors. The first was the usual lockers, gym, and at the back of it the steam room, a jacuzzi with views of the shower area which had transparent panels below waist level to provide a free show. I liked that they provided mouth rinse at the basin, and generally the place was clean and relaxing.
2nd floor was the activity zone, ie dark rooms/maze. Usual stuff. Took me a while to navigate around, not because the design was complicated, but because the place was packed! And I forgot to check out the 3rd floor, but I asked some guys and they told me it was just the bar and relaxing area.
At 7pm, there was an announcement to change to small towel, everyone had to go down and keep their regular sized towels. It was really cheeky because one staff member would stand by the stairs to hand out the small towel, but only when you have removed your large towel..... meaning to say you have to walk fully naked in a bright room from your locker to the stairs, which although was only a small distance, but when all the guys are just standing around and waiting, can be quite intimidating. Many guys were kind of hesitant and shy, and just waiting for someone else to strip and go first.
And I was somehow given a locker that was on the outer end, directly facing the stairs where all the guys were standing......... so I admit I was shy because I know everyone would see me, and they did =.= free show =.=
Anyway, after getting up, that's when the action really begins. The small towel is so short that it's not enough to wrap around your waist (think face towel), so basically you just cover your junk with it and expose your ass, or for those who couldn't care less, they just walked around bare. Everyone was given like a 'glow ring', not sure what you call that thing, but it's a fluorescent light thingy that they put on the chain with locker key you wear around your neck.
One thing I don't enjoy when it gets too crowded is that the action becomes more limited. Yes I know logically you would think the more the merrier, but sometimes when too many people are walking around, it is hard to get action... for many reasons..... including:
1. Too many guys to choose from, you become picky and don't wanna settle too quickly.
2. When so many pairs of eyes are on you, you become hesitant in making a move on someone
3. Hard to track someone because he moves away too quickly and then you see plenty of other faces
3. Not enough room for action, you lose that sense of privacy
The crowd was pretty mixed. Mostly young locals, some were a little older, probably between 20-30s. Many were shy and passive. Didn't see any chubs, most were ranging from slim to lean fit to muscular. Not that many hunks either. In terms of looks, well I would say it is decent, and overall better than Malaysian standards, but still.... not quite meeting my expectations.
I was approached, but wasn't interested in what I saw.... finally I settled with someone who was really persistent. He was sweet, but maybe a little older than I hoped. Body was muscular, but tummy was... not flat haha. OK I know I'm being super demanding. Won't gross you out with the details, but I couldn't quite enjoy myself during... because halfway through, Joe popped into my mind. It was a total turn off to be doing it with someone, but only having Joe in my thoughts. So sue me for missing him sorely. Suddenly I felt sadness and regret. Therefore it wasn't quite finished the way that guy wanted it to.
After which, he sensed something was wrong so we chatted a little. I told him about my issues and he consoled me LOL. He was 38, and told me that I shouldn't get caught up on guys like that, and should instead focus on building my life and career, that way the guys would come to me LOL. Being older, he told me he had experienced it all when it comes to relationships, and he emphasized that GAY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST, and he said at the end of the day it becomes about sex. He was with someone for 9 years, but it didn't last.
Hearing that made me depressed. But after thinking about it, I realized what he said was about him, not me. Just because experience has taught him that same sex relationships don't work, doesn't mean it applies to every other person, because no two characters are the same.
I know it's fucking hard, a relationship is hard enough let alone a gay relationship which has so much more of a hump to overcome with the secrecy and discrimination and what not......... but I choose to believe, because I am that person who believes in love, and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way, so he's out there somewhere. The relationship may not last, but at least I still want to experience it and be in love with someone who feels the same way about me. So yeah......
Not giving up yet,
XOXO
Not sure about the traffic and crowds here in the Klang valley, but I spent 3 days in Singapore and it was a nightmare, particularly on National Day where EVERYONE packed Marina Bay and it's surrounding area in the evening for the fireworks. Inside the Shoppes at Marina Bay, lines lines lines everywhere! Even in the Cold Storage convenient store the queue went all the way around the shop, and trying to get a table at the food court was like navigating through a battle field.
Rewind a day before that. Went to Chinatown for some *cough* fun in the evening. I never really noticed it before, but if you observe carefully around, you will spot signs of massage parlors that imply 'by men for men', and rainbow flags outside certain bars. The saunas remain relatively hidden from plain sight unless you know where to look for it.
Been to Absolute twice already, and the last time was a bit of a letdown, so I decided to check out the other it place in town: Cruise Club. It is one of the more happening saunas at the moment, and I can tell you the crowd was definitely there! http://www.cruiseclub.sg/
I arrived around 6.30pm, which was within the promo period for "Cadets" (meaning 18 to 25y/o) so the entrance was FREE, but I paid SGD10 to register as a member.
The theme that night was 'Hank Panky Eclipse', which is basically their usual Thursday theme of short towels, plus the 'Eclipse', meaning blackout on certain areas/floors. It was my first time there, so I wouldn't know whether it was darker than usual LOL, but apart from the usual dark room and maze, the other areas were still lit hahaha.
The place had 3 floors. The first was the usual lockers, gym, and at the back of it the steam room, a jacuzzi with views of the shower area which had transparent panels below waist level to provide a free show. I liked that they provided mouth rinse at the basin, and generally the place was clean and relaxing.
2nd floor was the activity zone, ie dark rooms/maze. Usual stuff. Took me a while to navigate around, not because the design was complicated, but because the place was packed! And I forgot to check out the 3rd floor, but I asked some guys and they told me it was just the bar and relaxing area.
At 7pm, there was an announcement to change to small towel, everyone had to go down and keep their regular sized towels. It was really cheeky because one staff member would stand by the stairs to hand out the small towel, but only when you have removed your large towel..... meaning to say you have to walk fully naked in a bright room from your locker to the stairs, which although was only a small distance, but when all the guys are just standing around and waiting, can be quite intimidating. Many guys were kind of hesitant and shy, and just waiting for someone else to strip and go first.
And I was somehow given a locker that was on the outer end, directly facing the stairs where all the guys were standing......... so I admit I was shy because I know everyone would see me, and they did =.= free show =.=
Anyway, after getting up, that's when the action really begins. The small towel is so short that it's not enough to wrap around your waist (think face towel), so basically you just cover your junk with it and expose your ass, or for those who couldn't care less, they just walked around bare. Everyone was given like a 'glow ring', not sure what you call that thing, but it's a fluorescent light thingy that they put on the chain with locker key you wear around your neck.
One thing I don't enjoy when it gets too crowded is that the action becomes more limited. Yes I know logically you would think the more the merrier, but sometimes when too many people are walking around, it is hard to get action... for many reasons..... including:
1. Too many guys to choose from, you become picky and don't wanna settle too quickly.
2. When so many pairs of eyes are on you, you become hesitant in making a move on someone
3. Hard to track someone because he moves away too quickly and then you see plenty of other faces
3. Not enough room for action, you lose that sense of privacy
The crowd was pretty mixed. Mostly young locals, some were a little older, probably between 20-30s. Many were shy and passive. Didn't see any chubs, most were ranging from slim to lean fit to muscular. Not that many hunks either. In terms of looks, well I would say it is decent, and overall better than Malaysian standards, but still.... not quite meeting my expectations.
I was approached, but wasn't interested in what I saw.... finally I settled with someone who was really persistent. He was sweet, but maybe a little older than I hoped. Body was muscular, but tummy was... not flat haha. OK I know I'm being super demanding. Won't gross you out with the details, but I couldn't quite enjoy myself during... because halfway through, Joe popped into my mind. It was a total turn off to be doing it with someone, but only having Joe in my thoughts. So sue me for missing him sorely. Suddenly I felt sadness and regret. Therefore it wasn't quite finished the way that guy wanted it to.
After which, he sensed something was wrong so we chatted a little. I told him about my issues and he consoled me LOL. He was 38, and told me that I shouldn't get caught up on guys like that, and should instead focus on building my life and career, that way the guys would come to me LOL. Being older, he told me he had experienced it all when it comes to relationships, and he emphasized that GAY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST, and he said at the end of the day it becomes about sex. He was with someone for 9 years, but it didn't last.
Hearing that made me depressed. But after thinking about it, I realized what he said was about him, not me. Just because experience has taught him that same sex relationships don't work, doesn't mean it applies to every other person, because no two characters are the same.
I know it's fucking hard, a relationship is hard enough let alone a gay relationship which has so much more of a hump to overcome with the secrecy and discrimination and what not......... but I choose to believe, because I am that person who believes in love, and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way, so he's out there somewhere. The relationship may not last, but at least I still want to experience it and be in love with someone who feels the same way about me. So yeah......
Not giving up yet,
XOXO
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