State of Mind

Been having horrible mood swings since Friday. One minute I'm fine and everything is in control and the next I feel like the world is crashing on me or something.

My mind is in a really ugly place right now. Not all the time, but I get these dips in my mood. There is so much frustration combined with anger and disappointment just needing release. And the thing that upsets me most is that the reason I'm upset, the trigger of all of this is so petty and meaningless on the grand scale of life and all..... hence I'm pissed at myself for being pissed at something that's not even worth pissing about.

I feel horrible for not being able to control and calm myself. For a very long time I have taken pride at finally being at peace with myself and enjoying life and not getting stressed so easily or getting too emotional. I think I was doing OK in this department throughout 2011. I really thought that I had matured and grew out of that whole teenage emo, angst phase.

I'm an adult. I need to pull myself together. But sometimes when you experience what seems to be a meltdown, things get out of hand.... beyond my control. And for a control freak like me who likes to take everything into my own hands, I feel terrible for not being able to control my emotions.

My heart aches... not literally, but I feel this tightness in the chest area which is characteristic of a pulled muscle. This happens whenever I get too stressed or upset. And last night I cried for a good couple of minutes. Stupid I know. I haven't cried in self pity for some time.

Right now I feel like throwing things or punching someone or screaming out loud. Maybe all 3 at once.

Apologies for being so frantic. I'm merely typing what I feel >.<