This... is... closure

A lot has happened in the past couple of days since that discovery.

Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.

Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.

He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....

The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.

That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......

So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.

I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!

Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO    

BIG Discovery!!!!!

OK so my awesome stalking skills finally came in handy... fine, maybe it isn't that awesome because it took me long enough to find HIS Facebook profile.

Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.

Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:

1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.

2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.

3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha

4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!

5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.

Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....

When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.

Nights,
XOXO   

The Sweetest Dream

Wow so I had the best dream last night, I had to write it down haha.... It's a little fuzzy but I will share what I remember.

It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..

I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.

Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...

But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3

XOXO

  

Sprinkling Salt on Wound

OK so......... I was wrong. Joe is still around. I still see him, but the feelings are dying down a little, which is a good thing.

And then this happens.

I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.

To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.

Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.

When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.

Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.

Bummer.

XOXO

  

Was It The Last Time?

You'll never really know when is the last time you will see someone, until it has happened and is too late.

No worries, nobody I know died.... I just didn't expect that the 10th of September, meaning the last time I went to the gym before my Hong Kong trip would be the last time I saw Joe.

Trying desperately to recall what our last encounter was like... to be honest I don't remember it that clearly because I thought I would see him again. I think it was at the water dispenser, I came out from the locker room with my bottle, only to see him just finished drinking and turning around. We had that weird eye contact moment again, neither of us knew what to do or say, and so I did what I do best. Pretend like it's nothing. I know it's cold and bitter, but I'm just built that way. It's not in my nature to socialize and be the first person to say something. He sort of made a detour as I was filling my bottle, he walked around me, I knew from the corner of my eye, and he made a sound like he was clearing his throat, loud enough to catch my attention. Not sure what it means.

That was our last encounter. In many ways, my Hong Kong trip symbolizes taking that next step to a new chapter and moving on with my life. You guys know I spent most of 2013 emotionally occupied with Joe, to the point that all of you are sick of me. I know. This trip was the first that I planned entirely from scratch and went on my own, and I had such a good time organizing and doing things for myself. I thought it would be a little lonely but I didn't feel that way at all over there. It was necessary distraction from all the stuff that was going on here... and for most of the time on holiday, I never thought about him because I packed my schedule so full I was too exhausted to think.

Coming back home, despite feeling happy and independent, I still felt like seeing him.... even though I knew it would immediately bring back a wave of emotions. But I never got the chance. Went to the gym 4 times already, and he was no where in sight. At first I thought, maybe he went for a trip too, and would be back this week. But no, he's not here today. And he hardly ever misses gym. My conclusion is that he has either relocated or shifted to another gym.

Maybe it's for the better. A prolonged absence may just be the remedy for this heartache of mine.

I still can't believe that was our last time. So many things that are unsaid, I know I wasted so many opportunities. Perhaps it's better that I didn't say those things. I don't know.

Joe, I'm sorry for being a horrible person. If you have ever had the slightest of feelings for me, I'm sorry I made myself so unapproachable and impossibly difficult to love. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I will always have a place in my heart for you.

HK Sauna Review! Part 1

Hi guys! Had a great time in Hong Kong. This isn't my first time traveling alone, and truthfully I enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. You can design your own schedule and activities, and have a room all to yourself! :P

I did and saw so much to the point that my feet were hurting every night from the walking, but you guys probably aren't interested to hear about the sight seeing and touristy stuff, so I'll head straight to the juicy bits.

Lets talk about Hong Kong men in general. Well... in my mind I was expecting them to be hotter and more buffed in general LOL, but in reality their hotness scale (based on what I saw on the streets, public transport, malls and saunas) is about the same as Malaysia. They still lose out to Singapore in terms of looks and muscles. Think SG National Service has something to do with the bodies. Hong Kong guys have this very ummm..... Chinese look LOL, as in slightly different from Malaysian Chinese.... not sure whether I like it or not, but there are distinct Chinese features hahaha.....
And in any country, there are hot guys and not so hot guys... but the bodies in general, as I said come secondary to Singapore. On Jack'd the variety was about the same as Malaysia, with the usual headless muscular bodies and cute acting guys. Nothing to shout about really.

I visited 3 saunas in total. It took a long time to decide which ones to go to, because the options are aplenty. I researched and read reviews on Gay Travel sites, as well as Fuelmix's blog which I have to say is very well written. In the end, it seemed Big Top sauna in Mongkok was the premier choice on a Friday night, while I also went to ABC sauna at Tsim Sha Tsui and Action sauna at Causeway Bay on separate days, simply because their respective locations were part of my travel itinerary and it was convenient.

I will talk about my experience in these saunas individually in coming posts. In general, Hong Kong saunas are small! We know the hotel rooms are smaller, the malls are smaller (but taller), and so the saunas are also smaller (not to mention more expensive). Despite the reduced size, I do have to give praise on the general cleanliness, ambiance and amenities provided (eg. free food, drinks, mouthrinse, relaxing area) were better than the saunas here.

Alright then, stay tuned for more details!

XOXO

Answer This

So, just a quick survey before I call it a night...

Question: Would you rather date....

1. Someone who makes you feel like you're not good enough for him

OR

2. Someone who you think you're better than (ie you're probably reaching down for him)

No judgments, no right or wrong. Just tell me what you would prefer.

I find myself generally falling for guys that make me feel like shit, which lowers my self esteem like it doesn't even exist. I then think what's wrong with me, am I not good enough for you, why would you even like someone like me, and my flaws become magnified like a thousand times, etc....

As for the guys that I think I'm too good for, the inner bitch in me just cuts them down to pieces from the get go. They don't even stand a chance in my consideration. I hate that I'm so superficial.... I can't accept someone who I think doesn't deserve me, but at the same time I want to be with someone whom I don't deserve.......

Dilemma of the night LOL....

Night nights,
XOXO