Wait, what... it's December already? Half a month left and then it's goodbye to 2013. I've never really been good with endings. Feeling all nostalgic and thinking too much, reflecting and all.
December has always been my favorite month of the year, probably because it's all festive and Christmas-y haha... and when you're a student it's sem break, honestly the best time to chill, party and hang out with friends and going on vacation. Have already met up with some friends lately who are back in town, but there are still a number of people I wanna catch up with (including bloggers) before 2014!!
Working definitely makes December less fun.... though I can't complain about the contractual bonus that's coming my way haha! Haven't done any Christmas shopping yet... This year it's going to be a quiet affair, with my parents being overseas, so it's just with my siblings... No plans yet. Kind of takes the mood away :(
I spent a bulk of this year falling hopelessly for someone that isn't even worth the time. I don't feel like I've achieved much.... Work wise it's been steady, I have learned new things and I guess I should feel good that there's still plenty to learn and experience in my current company.... so no plans to jump to another boat soon. Health wise, well I guess this year I actually see my body change a little, finally gaining some mass but lately the growth seems to have stopped. Maybe I need to push myself even harder and eat more protein LOL. More importantly, I hope I can stay healthy and not let my past illnesses trouble me too much in the future.
Despite things going well with my career and everything's peaceful with family, I can't help but feel empty. Like it's all so routine and nothing more. Maybe every person who has just transitioned from student to employee feels like that. A stagnant lifestyle. Not much surprises... it might not be a bad thing, but I guess I'm looking for something else.
Feeling a little shitty because a family trip that was planned for January, and already booked and paid for, but due to a sudden twist of events led to it being "cancelled", or at least not all of us gets to go. I probably have to stay behind. The reason is a really shitty one, makes me feel disappointed and let down, but things are beyond my control. I just have to accept it.
I'm still trying to look out for potential dates, but it's either no one's interested in me, or I'm not interested in the people that are. Constantly reminding myself not to be desperate hahaha... I do wanna go out more and just hang out with more guys... What scares me the most is that I might actually be getting a little too comfortable with being on my own, that I will start turning away every single person that comes my way :/
This is such boring post, honestly I'm writing now just because I have nothing else to do LOL. The blogosphere has become kind of dead.... Thank you for still giving me a read!
Have a great holiday season everyone!
XOXO
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Kelana Jaya Pool
Thanks everyone for your concern, I'm getting better by the day.... Joe who? It's pointless to spend any more time on someone who doesn't care....
The void has left me feeling an immense need to improve myself, or to make the most of my time by doing meaningful things... Rather than just surfing the web, watching series and going shopping, I've decided to maybe pick up a new skill or at least do something different every week... this will make me a better individual, and also expose myself and expand my social network, so that maybe I'll get to meet someone? hahahaha...
Recently I've reconnected with a sport that I've abandoned for some time, started being more proactive in my health by signing up a GNC membership (I bought protein haha), and for some random reason I felt the urge to swim.
After hearing so many cruisy stories of the famous KJ pool, I've decided it was time I checked it out myself. The pool operates by 3 hour sessions, so check before you go. I went for the 2-5pm session today, the entrance fee was RM4. First impression? The changing room and showers are horribly run down and slightly dark. Some doors were broken, almost all the shower heads were gone. At least the floor appeared clean. The lockers? Don't bother. It's the ancient type where you have to put in the 1 ringgit coin (which doesn't exist anymore), so nobody uses them anymore...
After changing, I carried my bag pack to the pool area, and found that everyone just left their bags at the stairs/seating area next to the pool. I didn't think it was safe with my phone and wallet inside, but heck I had no choice but to drop it there like everyone else.
The crowd? I would say 50% Indians, mostly kids and teens and their dads. The other 50% would be Chinese guys. Strangely I didn't see a single woman in the main pool. They were all with their kids at the kiddy pool. My gaydar instantly identified all the gays. Mostly were uncles with their not-so-flat bellies. I only saw a couple of Chinese guys that were of my taste. One of them kept staring at me while I was in the pool, so I knew he was one of us. I was probably the youngest and hottest *cough* Chinese boy there, so you can imagine the stares I got from the uncles.
The pool looks clean, but when you're inside, you can see like a bit of dirt on the pool floor. But overall it was acceptable. After doing 6 laps (my body was already kind of sore from gym the day before) I headed to the showers. The guy that was staring at me suddenly was following behind. He was kind of hot, I guess I would have played with him but I just didn't know how it works haha.... like he didn't exactly made a move, was I supposed to just follow him into a shower cubicle?? But they are other people in the changing room.. I saw him going into a cubicle, he looked at me and I didn't know whether that was an invitation to join him, so I just walked into a nearby stall to shower LOL. Sooooooo anti climax right!!
After a quick shower, I walked to the changing area with just my towel on. Another guy (which I'm totally not attracted to) just sat next to me to shamelessly watch me get dressed. Like it was so bloody obvious, I just ignored him. When I left, I noticed the hot guy from before was walking behind me, and coincidentally his car was just parked next to mine. Nothing happened, but I can say that the KJ pool is definitely a cruise zone.
Maybe the crowd is hotter on other days... but the condition of the changing room and showers is just disappointing... Don't think I will be back there soon.
XOXO
The void has left me feeling an immense need to improve myself, or to make the most of my time by doing meaningful things... Rather than just surfing the web, watching series and going shopping, I've decided to maybe pick up a new skill or at least do something different every week... this will make me a better individual, and also expose myself and expand my social network, so that maybe I'll get to meet someone? hahahaha...
Recently I've reconnected with a sport that I've abandoned for some time, started being more proactive in my health by signing up a GNC membership (I bought protein haha), and for some random reason I felt the urge to swim.
After hearing so many cruisy stories of the famous KJ pool, I've decided it was time I checked it out myself. The pool operates by 3 hour sessions, so check before you go. I went for the 2-5pm session today, the entrance fee was RM4. First impression? The changing room and showers are horribly run down and slightly dark. Some doors were broken, almost all the shower heads were gone. At least the floor appeared clean. The lockers? Don't bother. It's the ancient type where you have to put in the 1 ringgit coin (which doesn't exist anymore), so nobody uses them anymore...
After changing, I carried my bag pack to the pool area, and found that everyone just left their bags at the stairs/seating area next to the pool. I didn't think it was safe with my phone and wallet inside, but heck I had no choice but to drop it there like everyone else.
The crowd? I would say 50% Indians, mostly kids and teens and their dads. The other 50% would be Chinese guys. Strangely I didn't see a single woman in the main pool. They were all with their kids at the kiddy pool. My gaydar instantly identified all the gays. Mostly were uncles with their not-so-flat bellies. I only saw a couple of Chinese guys that were of my taste. One of them kept staring at me while I was in the pool, so I knew he was one of us. I was probably the youngest and hottest *cough* Chinese boy there, so you can imagine the stares I got from the uncles.
The pool looks clean, but when you're inside, you can see like a bit of dirt on the pool floor. But overall it was acceptable. After doing 6 laps (my body was already kind of sore from gym the day before) I headed to the showers. The guy that was staring at me suddenly was following behind. He was kind of hot, I guess I would have played with him but I just didn't know how it works haha.... like he didn't exactly made a move, was I supposed to just follow him into a shower cubicle?? But they are other people in the changing room.. I saw him going into a cubicle, he looked at me and I didn't know whether that was an invitation to join him, so I just walked into a nearby stall to shower LOL. Sooooooo anti climax right!!
After a quick shower, I walked to the changing area with just my towel on. Another guy (which I'm totally not attracted to) just sat next to me to shamelessly watch me get dressed. Like it was so bloody obvious, I just ignored him. When I left, I noticed the hot guy from before was walking behind me, and coincidentally his car was just parked next to mine. Nothing happened, but I can say that the KJ pool is definitely a cruise zone.
Maybe the crowd is hotter on other days... but the condition of the changing room and showers is just disappointing... Don't think I will be back there soon.
XOXO
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The Void
After all is said and done, I'm left feeling exhausted and really just empty on the inside.
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
It's not bad all the time, there are instances where I feel relieved and normal, especially at work when I'm having a laugh with my colleagues, it's like nothing happened. It's only when I'm back home at night, in my room.... recalling memories from the past months, or things related to him, like hearing the name of the company he works at now... it just burns. Having the image of him in my mind, and then realizing none of it was real, brings about great emotional pain.
But like I said, it's not all the time. I'm alright most days and hours. Maybe it had something to do with seeing him at the gym just now. It's like nothing happened, we now go about our own business, he pays no attention to me anymore, I try my hardest not to look at him.
I will let go, in my own time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh. I don't know why I keep peeling the scab, so it's preventing me from healing completely.
Listening to this just made me tear up like a pathetic bitch. But it's so true to how I feel.
The words at the beginning of the video........
XOXO
Friday, November 8, 2013
This... is... closure
A lot has happened in the past couple of days since that discovery.
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Knowing his name allowed me to do a more thorough web search of him... He was featured on a fitness club's blog that he was a member of way back in 2009. The article mentioned he had a very supportive gf, who happens to be pretty, super fit and pro at working out just like him. She was his motivation in his fitness and being a better man. Basically a match made in heaven.
Strangely, this girl is no longer friends with him on Facebook, so I assume they are no longer together. But that's not the point. The point is, he's definitely straight. Feeling shattered, I felt the immense need to get immediate closure, and the only way to do that was to let it all out of my chest. So I sent him a confessional message via Facebook. Didn't reveal my identity, just said things like: I have been having a crush on you for months, something to do with the way you look at me, I know you are straight, I probably imagined things, but don't know why you were staring at me which is something I definitely didn't imagine, overall I just needed to say how I felt in order to move on.
He didn't reply. I was maybe expecting a reply like 'Who the fuck is this?' or 'Is this some kind of joke?'.... so maybe a no reply is the best reply I could get. I mean, if he ever felt anything for me, surely he would have known it was me that wrote it, and so he would say something back.....
The next day I went to the gym, and put on my usual poker face. But I could sense he was consciously avoiding me. There are 2 water fountains. He would always go to the one that was further away from me depending on where I was working out at the moment. And whenever I walked past him and he saw me, he would immediately look away and avoid eye contact.
That tells me he probably suspects I was the one who wrote to him. Which is cool because he recognizes the issue. But it also makes it awkward now. I felt kind of bad for just dropping a bomb at him like that, so last night after gym I sent him another message just to express my apology if I made him feel uncomfortable and develop the need to consciously avoid me. I told him I needed time to move on, and hoped that he could just continue being himself and not be bothered by my presence. I said I hoped he can pretend as if nothing happened......
So whatever that was in my head is officially over. I actually feel.... somewhat better. Not gonna lie, it hurts whenever a memory of us pops up in my head, like an encounter I had or a thought that triggers the past couple of months and how I spent so much time and energy on something that wasn't actually there. The most painful bit is how I immersed myself so completely in this infatuation. I truly believed there was something, I really thought he was different from all the other guys I fell for in the past, because he actually looked at me a certain way... He really is an awesome guy, not just the exterior, you can tell he's pretty down to earth but knows a lot of stuff and is a well rounded person.
I thank all of you for the support that you have offered me over the months, even if it was just lending me an ear to listen to my feelings and rants. I'm already on the path to moving on, this time I will make sure I stay on it!
Lots of love to my friends,
XOXO
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
BIG Discovery!!!!!
OK so my awesome stalking skills finally came in handy... fine, maybe it isn't that awesome because it took me long enough to find HIS Facebook profile.
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
Naturally I got all excited and went through everything.
Here are 5 things you ought to know about Joe:
1. His name is not Joe! Like WTF, turns out I heard wrong. His name is something that sounds close to Joe. It begins with J, and has 4 letters.
2. The reason he is so tanned (I thought he was an athlete or tanning enthusiast) is because he is a diving enthusiast. Like professional diving into the sea, with oxygen tank and full gear. That explains why he is dark, muscular and prefers to keep his head well shaved.
3. He should be 28 this year, or that's what I gathered based on the Facebook group he joined.... it was one of those primary school alumni things.... so ya, did the math... hahaha
4. Some of his Facebook pictures are pretty outgoing... can tell he's the kind of guy that likes to have fun and be silly. It's so cute!
5. Finally, the bomb. Under the 'About' section, he states Interested in WOMEN. Relationship status was not stated. But among all the pictures I can see, and all the comments, there's no indication of any particular woman in his life now. But yeah, I don't think any gay guy would put interested in 'women' in his fb profile.
Strangely, I don't feel emo yet... maybe it hasn't sunk in, or I'm still too excited in finally finding his profile and being able to say his real name.....
When it really sinks in, I'm going to realize how much time I have wasted. FML.
Nights,
XOXO
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The Sweetest Dream
Wow so I had the best dream last night, I had to write it down haha.... It's a little fuzzy but I will share what I remember.
It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..
I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.
Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...
But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3
XOXO
It involves Joe. Maybe I've still been thinking about him lately, I mean seeing him every week just makes it hard to forget.... but anyway about the dream, we were in some public place, like a library or video store, there were tables and chairs... I was seated, he came up to me and said something which I don't really remember, but I think he quoted something I mentioned on this blog, or it was something that I never told him before... so the fact that he knew, I was just really surprised.... means he knows..
I was like 'Huh! How did you know?' And then he said something like 'Yes, I like you silly'. Can't remember the exact words, but basically he confessed his feelings for me, which validated what I've been feeling all along. That moment felt sooooooo real, I didn't even realize it was a dream..... probably one of the happiest moments of my life <3 p="">
Then I was looking around the shelf for a movie, and he picked out something that I like, Star Wars (LOL), it wasn't what I was looking for, but the fact that he knew I was a big Star Wars fan made me go 'Awwwwww, you know me so well' LOL.
Yeah, it's like really lame hahaha.... but the highlight was the confession bit... just something that I wanted to hear for the longest time.... and it's probably the only time I will get to hear it...
But yeah, SWEET. If only I can control my dreams, then I want to have that dream every night. It's the sweet, innocent lovey dream, nothing raunchy... :3
XOXO
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sprinkling Salt on Wound
OK so......... I was wrong. Joe is still around. I still see him, but the feelings are dying down a little, which is a good thing.
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
And then this happens.
I hurt my wrist at the gym last weekend. Actually it didn't hurt until today, I suspect it's not a muscular problem, but rather I pulled the 'urat' (is it called nerve in English?) that runs between the knuckles of my thumb and index finger, and the pain extends through the wrist. Super painful whenever I move my thumb or wrist, even if it's the tiniest gesture. Can't even write properly. Damn.
To make things worst, Joe has been getting cosy with one of the guys that he chats with. They used to chat only, but would still work out separately, maybe sometimes side by side but still lifting individually. Lately, they have become workout buddies, sharing the same equipment/weights, and taking turns to lift and helping / touching each other out. Pretty sure the other guy is PLU, more so than Joe actually... at least that's what my radar tells me.
Naturally, my body is filled with jealousy. I know I'm not entitled to, considering Joe and I never actually happened... and yeah I know it's my fault for not taking any initiative and wasting countless opportunities. So maybe he has moved on. Or maybe he never liked me and I was just being deluded as always.
When I look in the mirror, I can say with confidence that I lose out to the other guy. He's not that good looking, but still very easy on the eyes with a great body and cute puppy eyes. Actually he and Joe would make a pretty couple. And I can be the ugly troll that hangs in the backdrop of their fairytale life. Mehhhhh.
Classic case of not being attractive enough, and losing out to someone who's physically better than me. Keyword being 'physically'. I'm probably better than that guy in some ways, eg. better sense of humour, probably more intellectual in terms of academic achievements, etc.. OK fine I'm only saying it to make myself feel better hahaha. Who knows? That dude could be a nuclear physicist who happens to do stand up comedy on weekends when he's not busy saving mother Earth.
Bummer.
XOXO
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