Feeling Alejandro

I think you guys can tell I haven't been exactly cheerful lately.

I really liked this song when the video first came out, but I feel the elements of the song so much more now. Guess you need to be in a dark place to truly appreciate it.

The message is not entirely clear, but I think that's part of the idea. To make it more intriguing, get people talking, keep fans guessing. It would be less effective if it were blatant.
Watching the video makes it more confusing. Which part is truly conveying the message, which part is just meant for cinematography, and which part is just for publicity (dressing as a nun)?

The first impression I got when I heard the lyrics was... Gaga having an affair with a married man, or someone who's clearly taken, so Gaga knows she has to let go. The line "she's got a halo round her finger, around you", the halo described should be a wedding ring, one that the man is wearing and so is his wife- hence making Gaga the third person.

More interesting (and controversial) theories I have read claim that Alejandro signifies God. The scene where she lies in bed dressed as a nun, she looks up to the sky when she said "Stop, please, just let me go, Alejandro". She raised both hands up when she called Alejandro. Several other signs in the video were reported as Gaga rejecting god, opting to empower herself instead.
Gaga fans out there please read this with an open mind, everyone has an opinion so I guess we should at least listen regardless if it's right or wrong, as long as you know your stand on it.

Personally I think the whole religion thing is just a publicity stunt, don't think she really is out to control everyone. But if you think about it, her meteoric rise to fame and how her fan base is growing in such a short period of time does make me wonder how or why it happened. It's not exactly normal.

Back to the song. Basically the theme is rejection. Doesn't matter if it was a break up, or if someone died, or if they were forced apart, it all comes to the same ending: loss of love.
I read a MTV interview where the director of the video said it was about "The pain of not being with your true love".

Look Somewhere Else

Sometimes the best way to stop yourself from hurting is to focus on something else.

I don't want to think about Eric anymore. Will stop dreaming about him, don't want to see his pictures on Facebook anymore. Don't want to guess his sexuality. Don't want to guess if he's interested in me or not.

Whatever happens, happens right... or "If it's meant to be, it will be".
They say love comes when you least expect it. *sigh* Yeah right, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Over the years I think I try too hard. I realized being in a relationship is not that important. I won't die if I'm single. The feeling of loneliness comes every now and then, but it fades with time especially when I'm busy. So now I will immerse myself in studies. Channel all the energy on finishing work. I really need to do that to survive this semester.

Yeah I definitely feel better than that day. My mind is on track now.
I will not allow myself to get hurt.

Time to "get hard". My heart is hardened.

Horrible Turn

Today was a very very bad day.
One of the worst since I entered Uni.

So MANY things went wrong, it was a combination of bad luck and mistakes on my part.
Eric hardly paid any attention to me today. I was already feeling so low, yet he looked as if he couldn't be bothered.

As if things weren't bad enough I started feeling sick. Was a little unwell and couldn't pay attention in lab. I was agitated by all the things that went wrong.

Was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but because of the problems before, I was half an hour late. He was pissed but didn't show it. I know I would if you make me wait that long. In the end we ate in the cafeteria instead of going out because he had another class soon. I hate eating there. Very crowded and hot, made me feel even more uncomfortable.

Actually there's another 2 hours of lecture in the afternoon but I couldn't take it anymore. Felt like I was going to burst into tears so I rushed home. It's a rule of mine to NOT cry about personal matters in front of other people, even family members.

Usually crying helps make me feel better. But no tears are coming out now. I guess I have calmed down. I'm tired. Maybe I should take a nap before facing the pile of assignments that will be due soon. Sucks. Tired, lonely, sick and stressed.

And guess what.. I discovered Eric's real name by chance. Yeah it required some googling and smart thinking. Next was Facebook. He used his chinese name instead of Eric so no wonder I had no luck before. Not much info except his hometown. No D.O.B or relationship status. At least there were some pictures. He had like 400+ friends, only 1 mutual friend that was my high school mate.

I'm starting to sense that he isn't plu.
Even if he is, based on how he treated me today I'm sure he has no feelings for me.
I'm really starting to think that I should forget about him A.S.A.P. :(

Surprise!

Hehehe so happy today because I got to see Eric up close (no he wasn't naked) but still I got a good look at his arms and face.

Normally I see him every Tuesday, so today is like a bonus!
He was standing right at the other side of the door as I was about to enter the room. Once again there was eye contact. Darn I forgot to lick my lips like what Bravebear suggested. I was just so surprised to see him!!! *drools all over self*

If there was nobody else there I probably would have confessed my feelings to him. It was the perfect opportunity except there were 2 other girls in the room. One was my friend. So all I could do was STARE... He seems sexier now.

And I think he has a nice body after all. I noticed some muscles on his arms, but not bulging like a body builder of course. Maybe he works out a little. Guys who go to the gym are more likely to be gay right? OK I'm making assumptions to feel better about my chances LOL.


I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. But I don't know what to do. Would it be crazy if I asked him for his number? Nahh I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe I should stick to flirting with the eyes and try licking my lips if the chance comes up haha.

Or how about eating a banana in front of him LOL. I will bite it off slowly and look as if every bite in my mouth tasted so amazing that I would arch my back, tilt my head, close my eyes and make "Ohhhhh" sounds in the most sensual manner while caressing the remaining uneaten banana gently with both hands. OK sorry I'm bad at jokes. XD

Drowning

I hate this part right here. My heart aches, I can't concentrate on work.
I hate myself for not being able to control my emotions. Letting it get the best of me.
It's uncomfortable. Unsettled. Sad.

How can I feel so strongly about someone I barely know? It's supremely ridiculous!
I spent some time on Facebook trying to locate his profile. But without a full name I failed. Must have looked through hundreds of profiles. How stupid and crazy is that?

I want to stop thinking about him but it's not that easy. I wish he was in front of me right now so I could tell him how I feel and get it over with.

When I'm single I know I don't want to stay like that forever.
When I have a crush I feel like how I feel right now. Sick and desperate.
When I realize my crush is straight, I get heart broken.
Then the cycle repeats itself.

It's misery all the way. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? T_T

Confusion

Recent posts about bisexuality as well as roles (top/bottom/versatile) from fellow bloggers has been really interesting to read. Got me thinking a lot. To the extent of being confused.

Things I thought I knew turned out to be so much more complicated. So many things I never considered before. It's good in a way. This process will help me understand myself better. I just need to figure it out.

Recently I have been feeling extra lonely. I always feel like that when I have a crush on someone. Craving for his love, but knowing that you won't get it sucks.

I actually prefer the times when I'm happily single and not eyeing anyone. You feel strong and independent, like you don't need a man. Yes I would still be hungry for men but at least I won't feel lonely and weak. It would be more to hot, desperate & sexy haha.

Oh man my feelings for Eric is getting stronger by the day. It's ridiculous how fast I fall in love. I want him so badly. I can't stop picturing the image of us cuddling together while watching a scary movie, how it would feel to have his arms around me...............


God, I should get some sleep.

Eye Candy Eyeing Me

I like funny, catchy titles =)

Something interesting happened today. Can't describe the situation in detail but let's just say Eric and I were in a room (with lots of other ppl of course). Obviously I was checking him out A LOT, then I noticed sometimes when I looked at him, he was already looking at me.

Eye to eye... BAM!

Normally if someone doesn't catch your eye you won't even notice their presence right, let alone stare at them. Could this be something? Or just my imagination yet again? It's creepy how much this resembles the thing I had going on with MK. Remember I talked about how MK would look at me when I was looking at him? Turns out I was just plain nuts.

My radar tells me he's one of us... from his body language and speech. But physically he looks like a typical straight. But my radar is super horrible, guys I think are gay (or Bi.. something I learned recently from fellow bloggers) turn out to be straight straight, and guys I think are straight, drop the bomb at me. Sometimes the most straight looking ppl are the ones that join the sites I join.

I guess there's no real way of judging sexual preference without actually asking that person.
Unfortunately it's not something you talk about over a casual lunch right hahaha.

The problem now is that even if he's really interested in me, he probably wouldn't come up to me as well for the same reasons. I assume everyone in uni thinks I'm straight.

Suggestions?