Who Am I?

*This is an emo post. Be warned.*


I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.

This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.

I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.

How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.

There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.

But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.

But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?

Facebook Education

Haha now that we know each other, the next logical thing for me to do was to add him as a friend using my real account. Thankfully he accepted my request :)

You can learn SO MUCH about a person from their Facebook page.

From his WALL, I can tell what type of applications he is in to. Not much. He doesn't write much either. Something else I discovered was he doesn't reply often. Like usually when a friend makes a comment on your post, you would at least say something like 'haha' or 'thanks' but he just leaves it there. Cool guy. Doesn't show much on the outside.

From his INFO tab... haha obviously his information! He listed all his siblings, so I went to their profiles and saw some of their family outing pics that he was not tagged in. So it was like a bonus :P
And my favourite part... RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE! Then again, plu guys usually put single rite, even if they are seeing someone special. Otherwise your family & friends will start questioning who's the 'girl' LOL. Other info like religon and education background... good to know but not much use.

From his PHOTOS tab... OMG this is the jackpot!!! He doesn't upload much photos, only 2 albums. BUT the photos that his friends tag him in... WHOA there was one high quality shot of his face close up that was so freaking adorable, I almost died of sweetness when I saw it! Those dreamy eyes looking straight through me :) :) :) I let out a soft scream of excitement whenever I see that pic.

And u really can learn about someone from their pictures. I can tell that he is quite an extrovert with his gang. Some of the poses were a bit extravagant LOL. He is playful around his friends. But he is still macho in my eyes. And he dresses decently also. Nice simple shirts, and I like that he wears his pants with the end of the belt hanging out a little in front.

From my description, I'm sure you can tell I still feverishly crave for Eric's affection.
But Eric ain't giving me any :(
Like I said he doesn't reply much, so sometimes when I write to him I don't know what he is thinking at all... It's hard. And just like my bro Qboy said, I cannot appear despo also. So I have to constraint myself from sending crazy 'I love you Eric' messages.

But I also want his attention. What am I supposed to do now?

Friend

I finally got a reply.. but it only came after I continued confronting him otherwise he would have stayed silent. I said some nasty things because I was so sick of waiting. Stuff like:

I give up.. i tried. i did. Sorry I even approached you. More sorry that I wasted so much of time. Yeah mine, not yours.. coz u probably don't give a fuck anyway...
and
Be a man, voice up. If u don't want me to talk to u anymore, that's fine. But give me a reason.

A bit harsh. I know. But it worked. He wrote back...
Apparently he wasn't impressed that I still hadn't introduce myself.
He also didn't like me talking about him to other ppl.. coz i mentioned talking to 'friends' which is actually you guys and he thought i was telling uni friends about him.
And finally he felt some of my previous messages were disturbing considering he didn't knew me. He was referring to that message where i volunteered to be fucked and asked if he wanted a blowjob. Yeah i know it was stupid.

But the last line made me feel better:
p/s we can be friends just chill and dont be so emo

OK so I knew what I had to do next. No more hiding. I said my name followed by a mini essay on myself.. I overcame my greatest fear of revealing my true self.. ignoring the consequences especially after all the crazy things i wrote to him.

I felt like i could trust him. Somehow i felt comfortable. It was time to come clean. Then i waited anxiously to see what he had to say...

see was that so hard ... anyway nice to meet you and good luck in your exams

OK the 'good luck in your exams' part is just super lame and sounds like something u say to someone u don't expect to talk to anytime soon.
But at least he is cool with me. the real me.

And you guys are right! All this while I expected him to have feelings for me but it was just in my head. I guess not everyone falls in love at first sight like me. I understand now.

Everything develops from a friendship right... We should get to know each other before anything can happen. So now I will try to cut down on the craziness and just be myself. Yeah, I'll relax and let my true character shine. Let him see me for who I am. Time will tell.

What's Wrong With Me?

Obviously I'm still blogging about Eric.

I don't know what is our relationship now. We are not strangers anymore, but we aren't exactly friends as well. I sent him a facebook message on Monday. He didn't reply. So I sent another yesterday. It was a really long message. You guys know how emo and direct I can get when writing to him. I said a lot of stuff, some things not entirely appropriate, kind of sexually suggestive actually...... I also gave him a huge hint as to my identity.

One reason why I did that was because I saw him as usual every Tuesday (as in yesterday). I felt he was nicer than usual to me, he came closer to me more often and even sang near me. Yeah he likes to sing in public apparently. Not loud singing, just softly but clear enough for others to hear... But he doesn't do this everywhere, usually near me. So I had this impression that he was serenading me in a way. I noticed this before, but yesterday really felt like he was directing it to me. So I immediately thought that he knew it was me writing to him. But of course I didn't say or do anything at that time. I did what I do best.. write to him when I got home!

But waiting for a reply is torture! On Monday and yesterday, I checked my facebook like every 10 minutes to see if he had replied. Today I can't do that anymore because there are 2 killer assignments due tomorrow! I have fallen behind in schedule as I was too emo last weekend to concentrate on work... So now I'm paying the price. It's going to be a sleepless night I think :(

I know he is very busy. But still, I think everyone would check their emails and facebook at least once a day right. I asked him some big questions, so why isn't he answering? :(

We're COOL!

After exchanging another 12 messages (most of them from me) we are finally cool :)
Come to think of it, I may have over reacted at some of my earlier responses.

Key points:
I apologized for outing him.
I thought he was mad at me but he wasn't.
I told him how I found his full name, email and facebook.
He didn't say much so I wasn't sure how he felt.
I said some mushy stuff, and kind of begged for a reply because there was a long moment of silence.
I was getting tensed and upset.
Finally he gave a very clear reply saying he was not mad and not going to force me to do anything. He told me to chill. He mentioned the club (Uni sport club where I got his details).
For a moment I misunderstood and thought he was talking about clubbing and was so turned off by the idea that he was a playboy/drinker/clubber.
Then he cleared it up. He said he doesn't club and I was immediately relieved and drawn back to him LOL :P
He asked if I was a member of the club.. I said no.
So he still doesn't know how I know him exactly... then he said:
"anyway, hello if i bump into you tomorrow and dun recognize who u are. gotta concentrate in my ******* project". And I replied with a cheeky comment :)

OWWWHHH so sweet rite... He said hello to me in advance, so friendly rite! And super duper charming and cute.

The moment he said he wasn't mad and told me to chill was the moment that I truly felt the tension go away. So maybe we can be web friends for a while, and when I feel comfortable enough, I will reveal myself :)

It's been a hell of an emotional-roller-coaster-ride-of-a weekend. But I'm glad things worked out! I feel so much more at peace now. And finally, my radar actually hit the spot!!! That's really an achievement for me!

thanks guys for hearing me out the past couple of days! :)

Confronting Him (Part 2!)

Berita terkini!
I just got a reply from him after I sent him a couple of messages over the last 2 days.

Me: Hey you're probably not going to reply... I realized how crazy this is. And it's selfish. So sorry. I'm embarrassed for myself.
When you like someone u do ridiculous things. I don't even know why I like you. So stupid rite...
You're a cool guy. I just need to distant myself from you now.

2 days later...

Me: Eric, i've been trying to forget u but i just can't. Can't concentrate on my work and it's bad.. because u leave me hanging there.
Can u give me another chance? Answer my question and i'll tell u how i know u.. I promise. I'm not introducing myself now coz I'm scared ok...
Actually the fact u didn't answer it right from the start already gives the answer. If you are straight you could have just said so. This would hurt but it's actually why I wrote to u. That's what i want to hear so i can move on. Sort of like closure.

If you're plu u can say so, coz I'm plu.. so there's no benefit in me telling other ppl becoz I'm on your side of the fence.
But then again my friends pointed that even if you're plu, chances are you won't even like me or know i exist, so it won't benefit me in that perspective.

So can u please just say you're straight out loud. The sooner I get crushed and heart broken, the sooner I can pick myself together. It's not fun to feel lonely and unwanted, many ppl don't write messages to their crushes like I do coz they fear rejection. I do too, but I'd rather hear the truth than linger on and suffer in my own thoughts.
Please and thank you


Him: I find it strange for a person to even remotely have an affinity towards someone that is not good looking, rich, athletic or even smart. Moreover, it doesnt make sense if u do not fear rejection then why are u not revealing yourself. Regarding your question, since you already have an answer why bother. I do not like labels. well there is your answer.
p/s:
if i find out that this is a prank and you are actually a close friend or relative of mine trying to pull a horrible joke i will find a way to get back to you
_________________


OK that was it... I don't know how to reply. Was actually hoping he was straight so I can force myself to move on. At least my radar is correct for once LOL! But knowing he's one of us doesn't make me feel better.

It feels like I forced him to come out to me. Not on his terms. So what do I do now? He's probably agitated with me already, so there's no chance of anything happening between us.

Any advice on how I should reply??
Well obviously I have to keep my part of the deal and tell him how I found his profile and stuff.
But then it's going to be so awkward in the future... Can we even be friends?

Gosh what have I done....

L.S.E. Day

Everyone experiences it once in a while, and it's happening to me today.
L.S.E. stands for low self esteem.

Maybe this has to do with the whole Eric incident, but I think it's been going on for as long as I remember. You know, generally I'm a confident person. I excel in studies, I'm not afraid to do presentations in front of the class, I'm not afraid to talk to strangers and acquaintances I meet outside. But I get all self conscious when it comes to love and guys.

I have never said this before, but deep down I don't think I'm attractive. I doubt I would appeal sexually to other guys. Especially in the plu world where appearance and presentation is vital.
Maybe this is why I don't approach guys... because I don't know how they will respond.

I avoid looking in mirrors because I don't really enjoy staring at myself.
I'm too thin. Have problems gaining weight so I look like a skeleton.
I'm not muscular and fit like the guys you see in the gym.
I have poor complexion. My skin is sensitive and breakout prone.
My hair is weird because I suck at styling it.
I think I'm too hairy. Like my arms and legs.
I think my forehead is too big.
My eyes are too small.
I wear specs. And I realized I only fall for guys who don't wear them.
Oh yeah and not to mention being gay. In the early years it was hard to accept being different, but now I'm comfortable to be plu. It's just the appearance part I haven't come into terms with.

Over the years I developed a defensive mechanism by ignoring the occasional glances from other people. But actually I'm thankful because no one has ever said anything nasty to my face. I was never bullied or teased in school so that does make me feel less crappy.

I don't think I'm ugly... meaning I won't scare people off when walking on the street. But I'm not good looking either. No one has ever said they found me attractive sexually.

I bet my market value is close to zero lol.