*This is an emo post. Be warned.*
I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.
This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.
I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.
How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.
There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.
But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?
I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.
But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?
Hey Kor.. I used to be like you also.. Don't worry la.. Everything will be fine.. I don't know what would be the most appropriate advice to give, so i'm not giving any.. Your bro will be here to support you no matter what la kay? Stay strong there :)
ReplyDeletep/s. You can add me on MSN or whatever if you wanna talk okay?
You will what is love when the time comes.. don't rush for it... take your time. And expect love to be more bitter than it is.. and with that with all the bitterness, till one day, you will know what sweetness is..
ReplyDeleteAs with Eric... it's just a plain crush. Love is not like that... such obsession. Losing yourself and not loving oneself at all.
You know, I honestly believe that in the brief short moment when you get to know someone, you can already tell if you can love that person or not. There's this primary attraction thing that works for me lah, like I can fall in love slowly with people who worked their way into my heart, but it takes a lot more effort rather then someone who I was just *boomz* with and so much easier to be in love with that person.
ReplyDeleteI guess, sometimes to love someone it takes a lot of trying, and when the trying stops, where does the love go? :(
Of course, not away, but it slowly ebs away, and even if it doesn't it's gonna be so difficult.
Wait, did I digress.
and i just had to type in the word 'spern' for the last comment's word validation.
ReplyDeleteomg gesture from god telling me to have sex.
Hmmm...I'm surprised you are still so into him until now...U should know what to do by now...anyway love is blind, you are not alone.
ReplyDelete@Qbro: Owww ur the best-est bro a guy could have :) Yeah we should chat, u can hear me bitch about life :P
ReplyDelete@pikey: thanks for explaining.. so i think u mean that love will not be what i think/hope it will be like. i hope i would be able to recognize it when it does come my way..
@Kayson: yes we're on the same page! Like the term 'primary attraction'.. so pro sounding :P
And omg 'spern'!! haha yes it's definitely a sign ;)
@Sky: yea i can't believe it too.. wasted so much time and energy over a dream. i hope he forgives me and we can somehow stay as friends..
love is not in an instant to be decided. I would say is a feeling for someone that you care genuinely. You won't do everything for that someone, but you will do what you think is best for him or her.
ReplyDeleteIMO, love needs to grow. It's like planting a seed. You need to give it food and water. Love needs time to develope. Even when I started with Pikey, it was not love at first sight. Chemistry is factor that need to be considered. Comfort is another. Then get to know the differences and how to compliment each other. It's a PROCESS!
wise words Bravebear, thanks very much!
ReplyDeleteSo love shouldn't be about someone i'm crazy/obsessed about. It should be someone i know, who i feel comfortable hanging with, and is glad to have each other's company... mutually. And yes, that can only happen with time rite..
U and Pikey make such an experienced pair. I really respect u guys :)
WHAT O_O BRAVEBEAR AND PIKEY ARE TOGETHER?! O_O
ReplyDeletehahaha u didn't know ah bro? they were together even before this blog started :)
ReplyDeleteBro i sent you a message through that Google follow friend thingy :)
ReplyDeleteYES I DIDN'T KNOW OMG. I can die from the shock shocks.
huh what message? where?
ReplyDeleteoh no wonder ur replying so fast!
You go check your email or something see got anot? You know my email anot. If you know then that's that. Something dude one. Just add that. That's my MSN..
ReplyDeleteLove develops over time.. it could be even a childhood friend but not realising that! U know..
ReplyDeleteI don't believe and don't ever take someone's word when he say "I love u" on the first date or what eventhough it may sound so sweet and tempting and all.. I'd be more receptive if he were to say, I like u or something like that..
The moments of wanting to be together is more fuelled by lust than love.. love takes time to grow.. just like our parents which are still together after so many years - that's love..
lol.. pikey and bravebear.. i found out they were together since.. erm.. dec 09?
ReplyDeletei know what i have with Eric is lust, but somehow he feels like someone i could really get to know and love.. it's like we r compatible... i admire his character, how hard working n grounded he is, but still sensitive n cute!
ReplyDeleteOh well, doesn't matter coz he doesn't feel that way about me :(