Addicted to Addicted

I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah the 15 episode web series Addicted is really addictive.

I don't normally follow or watch Chinese shows, but if you're gay I'm sure you would have heard of or seen it mentioned on fb by your liked minded friends hahaha, unless you've been living in a cave :P

I read an article that says this web series was recently banned on streaming sites in China, leaving many fans of the show in the country furious. That just shows how long more Asia has to go in terms of truly accepting homosexuality and its portrayal / presence in pop culture.
 
Luckily for the rest of the world, the series is easily available on YouTube (also banned in China LOL), though the subtitles put in by fans isn't entirely spot on, but I was still able to understand it with my limited longkang Mandarin :)

I admit the plot is borderline cheesy, but the acting was surprisingly really well, especially by the hunky guy that plays Gu Hai (so fucking hot!!). Be warned though, watching this series leaves you with a strange feeling of gleefulness and loneliness at the same time, especially if you're single when watching it.

It's very much like when people tell little girls not to believe in Disney fairy tales where the princess magically finds prince charming and lives happily forever after. Likewise, Addicted's Gu Hai character is just way too caring, loving, charming, macho and he's like the perfect boyfriend that checks all the right boxes.... which means he doesn't exist in real life.

Either that, or I just haven't met one like that. :P

XOXO
Happy thoughts    

2016!

*wipes off thick layer of dust*

Happy new year everyone!

If you're still reading blogs in 2016, kudos to you! I know I haven't, and I just did a round in the blogosphere and I'm surprised to still see active bloggers around :)

2015 wasn't great by a long shot, mostly because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts, but it wasn't bad if I look at it from a wider perspective. It's all in the mind.

It's a new year, I just wanna move on and be happy. There's so much that I still wanna do. Special shoutout to the group known to me as the "G.B." hahaha, 2015 wouldn't have been the same without your awesomeness and support, from cooking together to catching movies, birthday celebrations and going on a fancy staycation haha.

Definitely learned to interact more and get to know more friends, and that's something I intend to develop further :)

Here's to a happy, drama free 2016!!

XOXO
J-boy

Ohhh the tagline for this year is.... Happy Thoughts ;)

Wait, What?

Been almost 10 months since we lost contact... the sparse updates I get from the cousin only fill me with more doubt. It has reached the point where I no longer know who or what to believe.

I say I have kind of moved on, but those emotions are only buried temporarily in my mind. The slightest trigger is all it takes to mess with my sanity again.

On 3rd October.... for the first time ever, he responded to all those messages I left him on FB.

All he said was:

Thank you
I love you
I am sorry for leaving you

That's all I get after 10 months. I texted back, but he hasn't been online since. It's highly suspicious. For starters, the time the message was sent was 5am in Canada, which doesn't make sense because the last I heard in August, he was still unwell in the hospital and probably doesn't have access to the Internet. If it were someone from his family, they probably wouldn't be crazy enough to text me at 5am also right?

So who was it that accessed his Facebook? Is it the same person who logged in on Valentine's and again on my birthday? Why wait so long to text me? Why tell me such things now?

The message is so cryptic. Is it a farewell note? Or was he merely apologizing for leaving me in those months? Or is he saying he's leaving me now? Shouldn't he say 'I am sorry I left you'? Or something along the lines of 'I am sorry for leaving you, but I'm here now.... If he really is reaching out to me, shouldn't he be expecting my reply and logging in to check more often?

None of this makes sense. And it only messes with my head.
What the hell.

Well, Life Goes On

Here to update everyone...

The situation with my guy hasn't improved, barely getting updates from Canada now because his family has remained silent. Even their relatives here in Malaysia are kept out. I do know that his mum has read my super long email and has refused to allow me to reach out to him and be involved in his treatment, but at least she didn't say mean things or tell me to stay the hell away from her son, etc.. So I don't think they hate me. I respect that they want some privacy and they don't want anyone or anything that can agitate him further at the moment.

Regardless of what happens, I know I have done everything I can. The email shows them my sincerity, my character, and how much he means to me. Don't think I have ever spent so much effort to craft such a heartfelt and genuine piece. I cried writing it, and I cried reading it. At least now they have a more clear and real impression of me, and hopefully some day they will let me in. Now all I can do is wait. He needs time. His mind is still in a very bad place now.

Time has definitely helped me with the pain, that and really great support from awesome people. Still can't believe I came out to my family (except dad) and everyone is so cool about it. My mum asks me weird questions about gays from time to time that are really awkward to answer haha, but the important thing is that she accepts me, and I can tell she tries hard to understand what being gay means, even though she still doesn't really get it haha. My mum said she doesn't care whether I end up dating guys or girls, the most important thing is to be careful and don't get drugged and stuff because she has this misguided impression that MOST gays do drugs and participate in shady behaviour LOL!!

It's been 3 months now. Still don't know how I managed to get through those weeks. I was extremely emotional, contemplated suicide once, cried every single day to the point that my eyes were puffy and I lost about 5 kilos from a lack of appetite. Seeking therapy with a psychologist definitely helped. Even though he was telling me things I kind of already know, but hearing it from a professional really helps to put things in perspective. They have some skills in unlocking realizations. So don't have second thoughts about seeking therapy if something bad is bothering your life.

To the awesome friends that have stayed by my side and endured my crazy, I really do thank you guys!! I really think we have bonded under such tragic circumstances. I know it sounds stupid, but my tragedy has brought me closer to a lot of people, and I'm thankful for everyone in my life. Shoutout to Tuls for being my main pillar and venting outlet, Daniel for sharing so much with me, and KeLexie hahaha for good food and getting sprayed with pee (not human) together hahaha! And to my one and only nun sister, you're irreplaceable, I will always care about you, so glad we met up before you went back to Aussieland haha!

To those who think it's silly of me to be suffering so much over a guy, I'd say 'Fuck you, you don't know what it feels like to have the person you love ripped away from you so tragically until it actually happens to you.' I'm not sad because I feel bad for myself, I'm sad because I feel very sorry that something so unbelievable and horrible can happen to someone so decent and kind and sensitive, and not be able to reach him or do anything to help or comfort him really hurts... To see the person you love suffer and have his mind and soul tortured, and to know he feels strongly about you and wants you too, yet be kept away by his family... To miss someone so severely I didn't think it was possible for me to care about someone more than I care about myself... I would gladly suffer/die in his place if it could bring him his happiness and health back... It just hurts too much to see a loved one suffer.

I'm better now, and I continue to stay hopeful. Life goes on.

Facebook Wiped Away

I can't say I didn't see this coming, it is something I've mentally prepared myself for, considering all the bad things that have happened, I'm now always assuming for the worst, so that I won't be too shocked when it does happen.

Last night (on Valentine's summore), around 11pm Malaysia time I noticed my guy's Facebook shows he logged in an hour ago. You can see the time stamp either on PC or Facebook messenger app. This is the 3rd time it has happened since I lost contact with him in December. The first 2 times were brief, it happened in the afternoon / early evening, without any activity, and all the messages I left him were not read. I've always assumed it is the cops from Australia since his parents said he hasn't used his phone at all. And it's definitely not him now, since phone/pc usage is not allowed in the institution.

But last night, whoever it was that was online, stayed online for almost 2 hours, and finally clicked into the messages I sent him, with the time stamp indicating it was 'Seen at 11.45pm'. I was so stunned I immediately texted 'Please say something, whoever you are' and 'I know M would not ignore me, so whoever this is, please just tell me who you are and what do you want'. However my efforts were fruitless, as that person didn't click to see the message even though he/she stayed online for a few more minutes.

What's more disturbing is that my guy's profile appears to have been wiped clean, meaning all the info in the 'About' section, all the photos he uploaded, his friends list, and his timeline is completely empty. Those posts have either been deleted, or restricted from being viewed by other people. I'm not sure if it's only me that has been restricted, so I asked his cousin, but the cousin was busy and didn't bother to check his fb. I doubt this was done by someone in Australia coz it was already so late, and on a weekend. I suspect it is his family in Canada, but why would they do that? Do his parents want to stop me from reaching him? How did they get his password? If they wanted to limit my access to him, why not just unfriend or even block me? I'm still friends with him on fb, but there's nothing left on his profile, except for a profile pic and a cover photo.

Soooooo many questions, it is all too mysterious....... My therapist has been telling me I shouldn't concern myself over things I don't know and have no control over. All the What If's and uncertainty will just torture my mind endlessly if I keep thinking about it and make all kinds of assumptions. Until I get an actual answer from his side, I should stop worrying.

It has been exactly 2 months now since we last spoke. I'm emotionally exhausted, frankly I'm already feeling better and parts of me have already moved on and I'm getting on with my life. Last week I wrote an email to his parents and attached a letter to my guy to explain my side of things, and to say everything that needed to be said. The parents are upset at me over some things that happened prior to the incident in Australia. But I feel no guilt now, because I've already done everything that I could have, and most importantly I know my guy doesn't blame me, and he still loves me.

Will continue to pray for his recovery, and hope his family will see that I'm not the one to blame.

XOXO
Be Stong

Institutionalized

Finally the wait is over. After weeks of uncertainty, my guy's parents sent an email to his cousin, who then informed me that: My guy is now in an institution. No visitors allowed except for parents. And he has no access to his phone or the outside world.

End of update.

Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.  

The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?

I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.  

I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.

Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.

For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P

XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong 

The Waiting Game

Waiting & Uncertainty. How it seems endless, not knowing how he's doing, not being able to reach out to him or do anything at all to help, truly tortures my mind to the extent that I feel like giving up at times. Take the easy way out, maybe I'll finally meet him in the after life.

But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.

My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.

How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.

I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.

All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.

XOXO
Be Strong