Confronting Him (Part 2!)

Berita terkini!
I just got a reply from him after I sent him a couple of messages over the last 2 days.

Me: Hey you're probably not going to reply... I realized how crazy this is. And it's selfish. So sorry. I'm embarrassed for myself.
When you like someone u do ridiculous things. I don't even know why I like you. So stupid rite...
You're a cool guy. I just need to distant myself from you now.

2 days later...

Me: Eric, i've been trying to forget u but i just can't. Can't concentrate on my work and it's bad.. because u leave me hanging there.
Can u give me another chance? Answer my question and i'll tell u how i know u.. I promise. I'm not introducing myself now coz I'm scared ok...
Actually the fact u didn't answer it right from the start already gives the answer. If you are straight you could have just said so. This would hurt but it's actually why I wrote to u. That's what i want to hear so i can move on. Sort of like closure.

If you're plu u can say so, coz I'm plu.. so there's no benefit in me telling other ppl becoz I'm on your side of the fence.
But then again my friends pointed that even if you're plu, chances are you won't even like me or know i exist, so it won't benefit me in that perspective.

So can u please just say you're straight out loud. The sooner I get crushed and heart broken, the sooner I can pick myself together. It's not fun to feel lonely and unwanted, many ppl don't write messages to their crushes like I do coz they fear rejection. I do too, but I'd rather hear the truth than linger on and suffer in my own thoughts.
Please and thank you


Him: I find it strange for a person to even remotely have an affinity towards someone that is not good looking, rich, athletic or even smart. Moreover, it doesnt make sense if u do not fear rejection then why are u not revealing yourself. Regarding your question, since you already have an answer why bother. I do not like labels. well there is your answer.
p/s:
if i find out that this is a prank and you are actually a close friend or relative of mine trying to pull a horrible joke i will find a way to get back to you
_________________


OK that was it... I don't know how to reply. Was actually hoping he was straight so I can force myself to move on. At least my radar is correct for once LOL! But knowing he's one of us doesn't make me feel better.

It feels like I forced him to come out to me. Not on his terms. So what do I do now? He's probably agitated with me already, so there's no chance of anything happening between us.

Any advice on how I should reply??
Well obviously I have to keep my part of the deal and tell him how I found his profile and stuff.
But then it's going to be so awkward in the future... Can we even be friends?

Gosh what have I done....

L.S.E. Day

Everyone experiences it once in a while, and it's happening to me today.
L.S.E. stands for low self esteem.

Maybe this has to do with the whole Eric incident, but I think it's been going on for as long as I remember. You know, generally I'm a confident person. I excel in studies, I'm not afraid to do presentations in front of the class, I'm not afraid to talk to strangers and acquaintances I meet outside. But I get all self conscious when it comes to love and guys.

I have never said this before, but deep down I don't think I'm attractive. I doubt I would appeal sexually to other guys. Especially in the plu world where appearance and presentation is vital.
Maybe this is why I don't approach guys... because I don't know how they will respond.

I avoid looking in mirrors because I don't really enjoy staring at myself.
I'm too thin. Have problems gaining weight so I look like a skeleton.
I'm not muscular and fit like the guys you see in the gym.
I have poor complexion. My skin is sensitive and breakout prone.
My hair is weird because I suck at styling it.
I think I'm too hairy. Like my arms and legs.
I think my forehead is too big.
My eyes are too small.
I wear specs. And I realized I only fall for guys who don't wear them.
Oh yeah and not to mention being gay. In the early years it was hard to accept being different, but now I'm comfortable to be plu. It's just the appearance part I haven't come into terms with.

Over the years I developed a defensive mechanism by ignoring the occasional glances from other people. But actually I'm thankful because no one has ever said anything nasty to my face. I was never bullied or teased in school so that does make me feel less crappy.

I don't think I'm ugly... meaning I won't scare people off when walking on the street. But I'm not good looking either. No one has ever said they found me attractive sexually.

I bet my market value is close to zero lol.

Confronting Him

Someone must have put high doses of 'Courage' into my food and drink, maybe it was 'Insanity'. I confronted Eric, not face to face, but through how I know best... Facebook! Actually what I did was cowardly, verging on crazy because I used my so called 'alternate' account, which had no real information about me, except gender...

Long story short, I sent him a message a couple of days ago thinking he would just treat it as spam. But today I saw a reply from him, so I replied and then he replied. Now I'm still waiting for a reply but I don't think I will get one. It went something like this:


Me: Eric, Can't stop thinking about you, and I hate it. Sorry for disturbing, that's my problem... I fall for ppl so easily. My radar tells me you're plu. Correct me if I'm wrong and help me get on my way.

Him: may i know who are u and how do u know me

Me: Sigh it doesn't matter. anyway thanks for replying.. wasn't expecting it. Btw u didn't answer my question. Think of it as helping me test the accuracy of my radar.. it has quite a bad track record LOL
Besides if you say you're not it will help me move on and I won't disturb you ever again.
Don't worry i promise i won't tell anyone, i'm not stupid.

Him: lol ...... seriously do u just jump into other people's lives thinking that it is appropriate without even introducing yourself

Me: Ermmm yea I'm a little crazy haha. See if you were plu you would understand my position. So maybe you aren't. There's so much more for me to lose for introducing myself, whereas you answering one question has virtually no risk.
I'm not a serial killer, not going to get your info and sell it or hack your accounts or anything lol. Just a hopeless romantic.
But then again you gotta point. I wouldn't reveal anything to someone i don't know either..... but it's just 1 question, if someone asks me i would probably answer.
OK never mind, i'm just talking to myself now...
Thanks for replying at least, you're nicer than i thought :p

___________

That was it. It's been 5 hours and no reply.
He isn't much of a talker, while I just blurt everything out.
But he didn't deny he was plu, or told me to fuck off. If he was straight he could have just said so right?
Why keep me hanging there? It's like slow torture...

I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy. I would never hurt him or do any scary stuff. Sending him mails might be disturbing, but it's decent content. No naked pictures or threats of any kind.
Haihhh I kind of regret doing it now.

Dreamy

My feelings for Eric are getting strong again.
My mood swings like a pendulum that oscillates from both extremes. What a bitch.

Saw him in the library today. Actually it was like spying. I was walking pass the shelves and saw him searching for books with a friend. So I purposely walked around the shelves pretending to look at books, like a shark circulating it's prey haha! Don't think he noticed me but it was so nice to see him!

My heart beats so much faster when he is in sight.
Whenever I see his pics on facebook, I feel like melting into a puddle of chocolate. He has really dreamy eyes, the type that you can stare at forever. Even as I'm typing this, I can feel the sweetness in my heart...

I thought of giving you guys a glimpse of him.. with the important features covered of course so that no one recognizes him. Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules or law :P




















Ain't he sexy? Too bad you can't see those killer DREAMY eyes :)

New Look

I didn't go for a make over, but my blog did :P

I realized the barb wire background was not the feel that I want my readers to get.
Sure my love life is depressing and all but worst things could have happened right.

I will try to be more optimistic about life, and who knows my prince might show up......
Can't believe I said that. It sounds nearly impossible, ridiculous. Even I'm not buying it.

OH WAIT... optimism!!!

The following is a shout out:

HEEEYYYY I'm over here, my knight in shining armor!
Did your horse break it's leg?
Do you need GPS to locate me?
I'm starting to get bored, and you won't like me when I'm bored!
Hurry before I get all old and wrinkly!!!

Psyching Myself

It's Tuesday again.
Means I got to see Eric today.
I don't feel as crazy as before, but every time we cross eyes I still feel something there. It's weird now.

Just when I decided to let him go, I start noticing signs that he's trying to get close to me.

It's strange how things work. Today he actually came up to me and we talked for like a few seconds (though it was work related). After some time, when we were all free and just chilling, I looked across the room and noticed he was staring at me (for sure). Even when he saw me looking at him, he continued looking at me, so I quickly looked away! =.= But there was no smile or flirty expression on his face. Just blank. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm no face reader haha.

Like I said it's weird. Somehow this time I feel something coming from him. Previously when I was all gaga about him, maybe I would have imagined that he was looking at me. But now that I feel more neutral about things, my senses should be sharper and less affected by emotions... so there is no bias in my perception lol. Therefore what I detect should be real right?

I'm starting to over think again. Time to sleep. Good night!

Feeling Alejandro

I think you guys can tell I haven't been exactly cheerful lately.

I really liked this song when the video first came out, but I feel the elements of the song so much more now. Guess you need to be in a dark place to truly appreciate it.

The message is not entirely clear, but I think that's part of the idea. To make it more intriguing, get people talking, keep fans guessing. It would be less effective if it were blatant.
Watching the video makes it more confusing. Which part is truly conveying the message, which part is just meant for cinematography, and which part is just for publicity (dressing as a nun)?

The first impression I got when I heard the lyrics was... Gaga having an affair with a married man, or someone who's clearly taken, so Gaga knows she has to let go. The line "she's got a halo round her finger, around you", the halo described should be a wedding ring, one that the man is wearing and so is his wife- hence making Gaga the third person.

More interesting (and controversial) theories I have read claim that Alejandro signifies God. The scene where she lies in bed dressed as a nun, she looks up to the sky when she said "Stop, please, just let me go, Alejandro". She raised both hands up when she called Alejandro. Several other signs in the video were reported as Gaga rejecting god, opting to empower herself instead.
Gaga fans out there please read this with an open mind, everyone has an opinion so I guess we should at least listen regardless if it's right or wrong, as long as you know your stand on it.

Personally I think the whole religion thing is just a publicity stunt, don't think she really is out to control everyone. But if you think about it, her meteoric rise to fame and how her fan base is growing in such a short period of time does make me wonder how or why it happened. It's not exactly normal.

Back to the song. Basically the theme is rejection. Doesn't matter if it was a break up, or if someone died, or if they were forced apart, it all comes to the same ending: loss of love.
I read a MTV interview where the director of the video said it was about "The pain of not being with your true love".