Thank You!

Just a quick post.
Thanks guys for your comments on the previous post, I especially like what Koala said :)

It was awkward as expected. I was so nervous walking into the room I felt like throwing up. The moment I walked through the door, he was there. We looked at each other for a micro second and went about doing our things. We were both uncomfortable. It was obvious. I could sense that he was avoiding me. And when I had to walk by him, I looked at a different direction.

Eventually things kind of settled. Because he is a senior and the role that he played, he had to talk to me at one point for reasons that I will not elaborate. Let's just say he had to... professionally. I guess there is no hate between us, but it's just strange and strained now. Oh and we can't look each other in the eye anymore. The moment there is any eye contact, we both turn away. So we were both looking at the table when we had to talk LOL.

I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. You don't just forget about someone and move on with the snap of a finger. It takes weeks, if not months. But it helps a lot if I don't run into him so often. Like the saying goes: Out of sight, out of mind! In a way I'm glad that this is the last Tuesday that I will see him. I think there is only one more session in this semester, and that's about a month from now. Plenty of time to get over him.


I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, YES YOU! I know this is corny, but I'm thankful for your support and all. Even if you don't comment it's fine :) The reason I started this blog was to be heard you know. A place to share my thoughts and release all the penned up emotions. Being discreet, I never talk to my family and friends about these issues. You guys are the only ones that I confide in!! Blogger friends are generally more sincere than those you meet on other sites. And it's amazing how kind some of you are despite not even knowing me in person!

Alright I'm done with the mushy stuff :)
Life goes on, Eric is history. Or I should say he will be history. Eventually.

Facing Reality

Crap. The day I dread is coming.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday = Eric.
Last Tuesday was a national holiday so it's been exactly 2 weeks since I saw him.

But tomorrow will be the first time we face each other since I revealed my identity, since I said some crazy things, since he started to ignore me and since I got over him. Amazing how much has changed in 2 weeks.

I don't know what his reaction would be. I'm over him, but still... it's going to be extremely awkward. I don't think I can look him in the eye. It's best if we don't talk at all. I hope he ignores me and pretends nothing happened because that's my plan. Won't look at him. I just need to have thick skin. Gotta raise my shield and build a wall around me.

It feels like I made a fool out of myself the past 2 weeks. I wish I could take back some of the stuff I said to him. He must have the impression that I'm cheap and desperate. That must make him feel really good about himself. Like he's so great and desirable. Damn.

Oh no :(
I really wish I could just press the fast forward button and skip Tuesday.

What do you guys do when you're in the same room as an Ex or someone who rejected you or just someone that you're no longer on good terms with? Do you pretend not to see them and act happy and chatty with your friends? Or do you go up and talk to them on purpose just to show that you are fine?
Haha I hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow... that would save me a lot of trouble.

Post Emo

I'm over him. Not a 100% yet, but I think it gets better with time.

I still feel weak every now and then, especially when I see him online on Facebook.
Then I find myself stalking his Wall to see his activity.
He appears online briefly, then disappears. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he came online to stalk someone else. Maybe he's already seeing a super hot guy.
He goes to the gym frequently. Celebrity Fitness I think. Probably meets lots of hotties and has lots of hot sex. Do all plu guys who go to the gym do that? I have no idea.

It's too tiring to guess. So I'd rather not. It's destroying my self esteem.

I'm fine.

It's been 3 days since I last wrote to him. Feels like an eternity.
I have really been itching to write again. So tempting to just ask how he is and all.
Credit to my bro Qboy who has been slapping me profusely every time I'm having a weak moment. Like a personal alarm clock that goes off every time my mind shifts to crazy gear again haha.

I think right now, if I have any self worth left I should stay as far away from him as possible. I mean Eric, not bro haha.. If Eric has even the slightest affection for me he should be the one who talks to me first. I don't want to be the desperate initiator anymore. It's cheap. And I want to give him the silent treatment for a change. Let's see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

I'm not gonna stalk his Facebook anymore. You know he is actually kind of boring. And cold. Cute and handsome but his personality is as dead as a rock. I should have seen it earlier. I need someone who gives me affection, someone who actually bothers to talk back to me and can keep up with my craziness. I need someone more exciting. Doesn't need to be a crazy rock star but pls lah not a rock that sits around all day and basks in the sun. Talking to Eric is like talking to a piece of log. Who knows? I might actually get a better response from the log LOL.

I'm officially back to celebrating singlehood. Who needs a man anyway? I can do everything on my own for now!!

Who Am I?

*This is an emo post. Be warned.*


I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.

This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.

I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.

How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.

There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.

But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.

But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?

Facebook Education

Haha now that we know each other, the next logical thing for me to do was to add him as a friend using my real account. Thankfully he accepted my request :)

You can learn SO MUCH about a person from their Facebook page.

From his WALL, I can tell what type of applications he is in to. Not much. He doesn't write much either. Something else I discovered was he doesn't reply often. Like usually when a friend makes a comment on your post, you would at least say something like 'haha' or 'thanks' but he just leaves it there. Cool guy. Doesn't show much on the outside.

From his INFO tab... haha obviously his information! He listed all his siblings, so I went to their profiles and saw some of their family outing pics that he was not tagged in. So it was like a bonus :P
And my favourite part... RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE! Then again, plu guys usually put single rite, even if they are seeing someone special. Otherwise your family & friends will start questioning who's the 'girl' LOL. Other info like religon and education background... good to know but not much use.

From his PHOTOS tab... OMG this is the jackpot!!! He doesn't upload much photos, only 2 albums. BUT the photos that his friends tag him in... WHOA there was one high quality shot of his face close up that was so freaking adorable, I almost died of sweetness when I saw it! Those dreamy eyes looking straight through me :) :) :) I let out a soft scream of excitement whenever I see that pic.

And u really can learn about someone from their pictures. I can tell that he is quite an extrovert with his gang. Some of the poses were a bit extravagant LOL. He is playful around his friends. But he is still macho in my eyes. And he dresses decently also. Nice simple shirts, and I like that he wears his pants with the end of the belt hanging out a little in front.

From my description, I'm sure you can tell I still feverishly crave for Eric's affection.
But Eric ain't giving me any :(
Like I said he doesn't reply much, so sometimes when I write to him I don't know what he is thinking at all... It's hard. And just like my bro Qboy said, I cannot appear despo also. So I have to constraint myself from sending crazy 'I love you Eric' messages.

But I also want his attention. What am I supposed to do now?

Friend

I finally got a reply.. but it only came after I continued confronting him otherwise he would have stayed silent. I said some nasty things because I was so sick of waiting. Stuff like:

I give up.. i tried. i did. Sorry I even approached you. More sorry that I wasted so much of time. Yeah mine, not yours.. coz u probably don't give a fuck anyway...
and
Be a man, voice up. If u don't want me to talk to u anymore, that's fine. But give me a reason.

A bit harsh. I know. But it worked. He wrote back...
Apparently he wasn't impressed that I still hadn't introduce myself.
He also didn't like me talking about him to other ppl.. coz i mentioned talking to 'friends' which is actually you guys and he thought i was telling uni friends about him.
And finally he felt some of my previous messages were disturbing considering he didn't knew me. He was referring to that message where i volunteered to be fucked and asked if he wanted a blowjob. Yeah i know it was stupid.

But the last line made me feel better:
p/s we can be friends just chill and dont be so emo

OK so I knew what I had to do next. No more hiding. I said my name followed by a mini essay on myself.. I overcame my greatest fear of revealing my true self.. ignoring the consequences especially after all the crazy things i wrote to him.

I felt like i could trust him. Somehow i felt comfortable. It was time to come clean. Then i waited anxiously to see what he had to say...

see was that so hard ... anyway nice to meet you and good luck in your exams

OK the 'good luck in your exams' part is just super lame and sounds like something u say to someone u don't expect to talk to anytime soon.
But at least he is cool with me. the real me.

And you guys are right! All this while I expected him to have feelings for me but it was just in my head. I guess not everyone falls in love at first sight like me. I understand now.

Everything develops from a friendship right... We should get to know each other before anything can happen. So now I will try to cut down on the craziness and just be myself. Yeah, I'll relax and let my true character shine. Let him see me for who I am. Time will tell.

What's Wrong With Me?

Obviously I'm still blogging about Eric.

I don't know what is our relationship now. We are not strangers anymore, but we aren't exactly friends as well. I sent him a facebook message on Monday. He didn't reply. So I sent another yesterday. It was a really long message. You guys know how emo and direct I can get when writing to him. I said a lot of stuff, some things not entirely appropriate, kind of sexually suggestive actually...... I also gave him a huge hint as to my identity.

One reason why I did that was because I saw him as usual every Tuesday (as in yesterday). I felt he was nicer than usual to me, he came closer to me more often and even sang near me. Yeah he likes to sing in public apparently. Not loud singing, just softly but clear enough for others to hear... But he doesn't do this everywhere, usually near me. So I had this impression that he was serenading me in a way. I noticed this before, but yesterday really felt like he was directing it to me. So I immediately thought that he knew it was me writing to him. But of course I didn't say or do anything at that time. I did what I do best.. write to him when I got home!

But waiting for a reply is torture! On Monday and yesterday, I checked my facebook like every 10 minutes to see if he had replied. Today I can't do that anymore because there are 2 killer assignments due tomorrow! I have fallen behind in schedule as I was too emo last weekend to concentrate on work... So now I'm paying the price. It's going to be a sleepless night I think :(

I know he is very busy. But still, I think everyone would check their emails and facebook at least once a day right. I asked him some big questions, so why isn't he answering? :(