The Crying Game

I just cried. In my room. Alone. Pathetic.

An hour ago everything was fine. It just takes one incident to trigger the sadness. Then I start thinking about other sad things. Before you know it, you get overwhelmed with self pity and out comes the water works.

The eyes get red and the warm tears start running everywhere. The worst part is when the mucus builds up and the airway gets congested, so you have to start gasping for air like a panting dog. It's an ugly sight. No wonder I choose to cry only when alone.

But I do feel so much better after calming down and drying up. You may think it's emo and weak to sob, personally I think it's therapeutic and a way of dealing and managing your own emotions. Not that I cry every other day... it happens maybe like once a month or two? Not sure what the exact figure is. I don't keep track. It just happens.

Don't wanna talk about why I cried. Not blogging about my problems. Now that I think about it, it's not that big of a deal. Just caught in a moment I guess.

Good nite.

Grown Out Of It

It's hard to describe the state I'm in now. No despair, I feel normal actually, whatever 'normal' means.

I'm just as confused as you guys are about the things I said lately. One moment I want to be in love, and the next I want to stay far away from it. The best way for me to explain it is that I have grown out of it. No, I'm not referring to him, I still think he is a fantastic guy. Instead I think I have grown out of the phase of wanting to be in a relationship.

In the past, I have had LOTS of crushes. You guys have heard about MK and Eric. At that time, being with my dream guy was something I wanted so badly, or at least it was what I thought I wanted. But since they never felt the same way about me, I never knew what being in a relationship was like.

But this time it's different. With this guy I'm seeing now, he's showing affection and for the past week or so we have been treating each other as though we were in a relationship. It was fine at first, but turns out it scares me. I suddenly realize that I'm not ready.

As selfish as that sounds, I just don't have the heart to be someone's other half. I think it's weird that someone likes me. I don't know how to react. I enjoy seeing other couples being sweet and getting mushy, like when you guys blog about your relationships, I will go 'Awwww that's so damn sweet!'. But it's the opposite when a guy is sweet to me. Apparently I can't tolerate it. I'm like salt. Sweetness doesn't go well with me.

I think my explanation is clear. For once in my life, I genuinely want to be single. Every time I got over a crush I say that I want to be single and independent. This time I mean it. I don't want to look anymore. Being given the chance to experience love, I realize it's not what I'm looking for now. Perhaps my feelings will change next week, or next month or next year or even the next decade. I'm in no hurry.

For now I just want to celebrate and live my life! 3 Cheers for Independent power ;)

Cold Feet?

'Someone call a doctor, got a case of a love bi-polar. Stuck on a roller coaster, can't get off this ride...'

I should have known this would happen.
I'm emotionally incapable of love. It's in my genetics.
I'm now the bi-polar bitch. When I don't have someone, a relationship is all that I want. Now that I have someone, I find myself having second thoughts.

Is it like that for any of you?

I repulse people who care about me, possibly out of fear for commitment. I don't deserve someone's love because I think it's unfair for them as I cannot love back equally. It's like a mental block.

Dear if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I assure you this is not your fault, the problem is me.
The nicer you are to me, the greater the remorse I feel.
And since we have been entirely honest to each other, I think you should know how I feel.
I know we are already taking things slow, but all of this is still new territory for me.
I do like you and your company, but I guess I need time alone.

See I told you guys I was a loner. And I'm not a typical romantic, sweet lovey guy.
Hot and Cold. Go figure.

I Have Decided

Thanks guys for your support.

I don't have much experience when it comes to love and relationships, so listening to more opinions definitely helped me digest the situation in a more rational and sensible manner.

I know I may come across as naive, incapable of independent thought and selfish. Sometimes I get caught up with things related to me only, I forget the bigger picture. When I really had time to think about this, I realized it's actually not that big of a deal. So what if it doesn't work out, there are still things to look forward to in life besides seeking a lover. In retrospect there really wasn't a need for me to get so upset and emotional about this incident.

Well, after much consideration, we talked and decided to get back together for now. Like some of you said, I should cherish this relationship as it happens and not worry about the future because the uncertainty is just too great for anyone to predict.

Some of you may think this is a stupid decision, one that is made out of impulse. Well I just don't feel like letting go now. I'm aware of what I'm getting into, so I think that does make a difference, because even if it doesn't end well, I would have been better prepared for it. Like cushioning a fall. This is a shot at love, I just wanna grab the opportunity and experience it without fear. Should the journey end eventually, at least I can say I got to experience it. It won't go to waste coz life is about experiencing rite :)

So that's my current stand. Not sure if it will last, so we'll just have to see how it goes alright! Anger, frustration, doubt, sadness and regret take too much energy and effort. I know I sound so innocent and ridiculous, like a character out of a cheesy Disney fairy tale, but I just wanna live life and be happy hahaha!

Suck on that if you don't like it :D

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Guys, something traumatic happened last night and my heart is still aching now. The best way for me to recover is to talk about it with you guys. I hope you will spare me some wise words as your opinions collectively matter to me. I need a support system now.

Here's what happened...

You know that I have been seeing this new guy right. Well I have never encountered such a situation before, he's Bi. Or I think he's gay now but wants to be straight eventually.

I should have known this would happen right from the beginning and not allow myself to fall for him. The thing is, we have made a real connection this week and he has fallen for me as well. I somehow opened myself completely to him in such a short time because he just made me feel so comfortable and genuinely happy from the inside.

Truthfully he is the first guy that I like who has liked me back. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. He's amazing, probably the most caring person I have met in a very long time. After Eric, I lost faith in love. I never thought that I would be loved by another person in this life time, I thought no one would accept me but then I met him. How rare is that.

Last night we were talking, and it ended up with me asking him what his long term life plan was. He was honest to say that he planned to get married and have kids. Apparently his philosophy is to be with a guy now, hopefully have some good memories of this phase in his life before he moves on, and he expects that guy to be happy for him.

When I heard this, I just froze. To be recognized as only a 'phase' in his life. Stunned. My body was trembling beyond control and it felt hard to breathe. My heart was hurting, literally. The chest pain was awful. Eventually I did cry.

So where does that leave us? We are both hurting now. He lives a complicated and conflicted life, coming from a religious background apparently of pastors. But he likes guys. He likes me. But he has no choice. We both want to be together now, but I know the longer we stay together, the more I will get hurt later. I can't make him choose me over his family and beliefs. But again the feelings we have are still so strong.

My logic is telling me that the decision is simple. I should just end things now. It will hurt a lot but it's the right thing to do.
My heart is telling me that as long as we both feel for each other, then we should just stay together for as long as that feeling lasts. After all, it's so hard to find love now.

Right now, I'm putting this aside first as it hurts too much. One of my best attributes is, despite the fact that I'm emotionally fragile, I was trained to be mentally tough under stress and pressure situations. Yeah I had some activities in the past which made it compulsory to be like that. So now, as long as I isolate my emotions, I can still function and perform daily activities using solely my mental strength.

But a conclusion needs to be reached eventually.

So guys, I'm asking you all to give me some constructive advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Honestly.

Something New

Every now and then we meet someone online that clicks with us. :)

Sure it's rare, and I am still skeptical about forming true and sustainable bonds through the World Wide Web... but sometimes you just get proven wrong. Usually you can tell within the first conversation if there's chemistry or not. Amazing that when there is, things just move on so quickly... for me at least haha :)

I swear I wasn't really looking. I yearn for company, but certainly not begging for it now. Especially after recent events, I prefer to stick to myself. So it's really pleasant how life takes you by surprise.

OK maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I still don't know where this is going. From past experience, as well as my bro as an example ;P, I know I shouldn't rush things. Certainly no sending of crazy or emo messages or throwing myself at him. Also I need to distinguish carefully the difference between lust and love. I have learned my lesson and will use my previous mistakes to guide my future decisions!

That's the best part about growing older. You learn as life goes on.
And FYI, this person is not one of the bloggers just in case you were wondering ;)

Pissed

I hate it when people are dishonest or manipulative.
So annoying.

2 days ago a friend asked if I wanted to attend a "talk" about a new educational online service. Apparently some sort of e-learning tool. His friend was giving the talk. I asked for details but he wouldn't give it to me. He just kept on saying things like 'Just come listen, it's interesting' and 'what do you have to lose? just come'.

I'm never good at rejecting offers or requests from friends. If it were a stranger I would have said a big NO. But since we are friends (he's my junior), I thought what the heck, since it's an educational thing, just check it out rite...

So I went today. It wasn't a talk. More like a one on one discussion. That guy brought a laptop and started talking about their service. LOL it was actually for primary and secondary school students. He was describing how the program works, how parents would get a report on their child's progress, and the cost of the package, etc. So at this point, I thought, OK maybe the company is doing a survey on Uni students, to see if the product is useful since we used to be in high school not too long ago.

Turns out they were trying to get me to sign up for some sort of partnership. You know, as in selling their product for them. My immediate reaction was 'WTF? You have been beating around the bush for over 20 minutes... without a single hint that this is a sales thing', but of course all I did was smile even though I was raged. I did say some sarcastic things though. Like he said, it's important to network and communicate, otherwise what's the point of having a mouth. And my reply was, 'Erm, to eat?'.

This isn't too bad. I was more put off by that guy's attitude. He's only 19, a year younger than me. And he was saying how we should be independent and not rely on our parents for money, suggesting that I was a spoiled brat. He went on to say that he was 'successful', 'very mature' and parents that he talked to were 'impressed by his maturity'. When I heard that, I wanted to puke.
At times he raised his voice and spoke as though he was so great and I was stupid not to sign up.
We had a short debate, then I made an excuse that I had to leave and we said the insincere 'thanks and bye' to each other.

Sigh. Seriously. I was so put off by his methods. Using deception and aggression to promote your company is not wise at all. So much for maturity. And my friend, he knew what was going on because he actually signed up for it recently. He should have given the details to me straight up.

Now the 3 of us wasted our afternoon.
And yes, this is me bitching hahaha. :P