Finally the wait is over. After weeks of uncertainty, my guy's parents sent an email to his cousin, who then informed me that: My guy is now in an institution. No visitors allowed except for parents. And he has no access to his phone or the outside world.
End of update.
Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.
The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?
I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.
I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.
Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.
For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P
XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Waiting Game
Waiting & Uncertainty. How it seems endless, not knowing how he's doing, not being able to reach out to him or do anything at all to help, truly tortures my mind to the extent that I feel like giving up at times. Take the easy way out, maybe I'll finally meet him in the after life.
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
Sunday, January 4, 2015
A Miracle Happened!
Lately my life has been so surreal, it's the kind of material that's movie worthy...
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Friday, January 2, 2015
Finding Strength
How does one move on from what I went through?
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
True Story of How I Lost My Love
What you're about to read sounds absurd, like a TV series, but it's what happened to me in recent weeks. I'm finally ready to talk about it. In fact, writing this will help me heal.
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Toughest Week. Ever.
Last week was honestly the shittiest week I've ever endured emotionally. Like it's far worse than the damage 'year of Joe' did to me. I went to really dark places.
The only thing I really need to say is a big fat THANK YOU to the 2 friends I talked to about my current guy. Thank you both for getting me through it, I truly LOVE YOU TWO!!
There's so much to tell you all about my new guy. For starters, we aren't official yet, it's not a relationship. Technically we are supposed to be 'dating' (that's what precedes a relationship right?), but because we only knew each other for a couple of days before last week, where he was scheduled to spend a week in Singapore for work, so we haven't actually met in person!
Other things you should know. He's not local (from far far away), and has just moved to Malaysia but has relatives here. Lots of paper work to settle. Lots of uncertainties. He doesn't have a local number yet. So no data, no phone calls. The only thing that connects us is WiFi and our medium of communication is WeChat (coz Whatsapp requires a phone number)....
Against all odds, we got along really well.... like when you chat with someone online, within the first couple of days you will know whether there is chemistry... right away I felt this guy spoke well, was intelligent and had a sense of humor I totally understood and appreciated. Like I didn't want to leave my phone. Guys like this do not come along very often. I felt we made great progress, then he left for Singapore last Tuesday.
And that's when I went absolutely nuts. I texted him on Tuesday, there was no reply. Oh I should mention his profession involves crazy long hours and according to Tuls, they are very good at math LOL... Wednesday I texted him, expressing concern, asking him just to acknowledge if he is alright.... NO REPLY....
My mind was running wild.... coming up with countless theories.... Was he ignoring me on purpose? Can't be coz the day before he left we had a great chat.. Or what if he met someone else, or realized he just isn't into me? What if the feelings faded? Or maybe he has no WiFi at the hotel? Can't be right... Singapore is modern and high tech... how can he not have WiFi at all? Is he just super occupied with work? Still, he should check his phone right? All I ask is for him to acknowledge that he is alive and well..... OMG did something happen to him? Did he get into an accident? Is he in a hospital bed now? Did his plane even land in Singapore? Or did something happen to his phone, the only thing that connects us.... What if he lost his phone at the airport, or it dropped in a pool of water? OMG what if for some freaky reason we may never be able to reach out to each other again? He doesn't even know my full name yet.. how will he find me? How will I find him? What if he can't log into his WeChat account anymore? He would never see all the messages I left him..... What if I never hear from him again? I would never know the reason he disappeared, and I would never get closure....
So many UNCERTAINTIES. So much WAITING. I checked my phone every other hour just to see if there was a notification from him. Like it reached the point where I would think I heard the WeChat message alert tone, only to check my phone and realized there is no message..... I texted him once every day, hoping he would reply soon........ I went berserk, I cried, I chose to believe in him and have faith, then I got worried, and believed again, and confused, and worried again...... All I know is I liked him very much, and who knows how many years it will take before I meet someone like him again.....
Just ask the 2 people I bothered the entire week. It was too much to handle I had to talk to someone and vent all my craziness..... Both of them were supportive in their own way, and offered advice the best they know how.... Their opinions were valid and it kept me from going insane... They both mentioned the same thing, which was the fact that they didn't know my guy, so they wouldn't know like whether he was for real and whether his intentions for me were true.... Thank you for looking out for me! :)
I tried my hardest to have faith in him. I really did. The simplest explanation was that he was just super busy, and there was no WiFi at the client's office and at the hotel. Still, I was extremely worried. Not hearing from him made me fear for his well being, and whether we would ever talk again. I would be devastated if he disappeared.
Sunday morning. I woke up to the familiar beep. Finally..... after 5 days of extreme emotions, he texted. He was at Changi airport, where he finally had WiFi. Turns out he really was working super long hours and only getting like 3 hours of sleep each day, and the hotel didn't had WiFi..... When he finally explained it, it seemed like all my concern was for no big deal, but you have no idea how much pain I went through....
We had a very long chat until he literally had to run to the gates for boarding.... And happy to say we're good now :) Although more travels await him (I hate his job), but more on that later!!
XOXO
Relieved J-boy
The only thing I really need to say is a big fat THANK YOU to the 2 friends I talked to about my current guy. Thank you both for getting me through it, I truly LOVE YOU TWO!!
There's so much to tell you all about my new guy. For starters, we aren't official yet, it's not a relationship. Technically we are supposed to be 'dating' (that's what precedes a relationship right?), but because we only knew each other for a couple of days before last week, where he was scheduled to spend a week in Singapore for work, so we haven't actually met in person!
Other things you should know. He's not local (from far far away), and has just moved to Malaysia but has relatives here. Lots of paper work to settle. Lots of uncertainties. He doesn't have a local number yet. So no data, no phone calls. The only thing that connects us is WiFi and our medium of communication is WeChat (coz Whatsapp requires a phone number)....
Against all odds, we got along really well.... like when you chat with someone online, within the first couple of days you will know whether there is chemistry... right away I felt this guy spoke well, was intelligent and had a sense of humor I totally understood and appreciated. Like I didn't want to leave my phone. Guys like this do not come along very often. I felt we made great progress, then he left for Singapore last Tuesday.
And that's when I went absolutely nuts. I texted him on Tuesday, there was no reply. Oh I should mention his profession involves crazy long hours and according to Tuls, they are very good at math LOL... Wednesday I texted him, expressing concern, asking him just to acknowledge if he is alright.... NO REPLY....
My mind was running wild.... coming up with countless theories.... Was he ignoring me on purpose? Can't be coz the day before he left we had a great chat.. Or what if he met someone else, or realized he just isn't into me? What if the feelings faded? Or maybe he has no WiFi at the hotel? Can't be right... Singapore is modern and high tech... how can he not have WiFi at all? Is he just super occupied with work? Still, he should check his phone right? All I ask is for him to acknowledge that he is alive and well..... OMG did something happen to him? Did he get into an accident? Is he in a hospital bed now? Did his plane even land in Singapore? Or did something happen to his phone, the only thing that connects us.... What if he lost his phone at the airport, or it dropped in a pool of water? OMG what if for some freaky reason we may never be able to reach out to each other again? He doesn't even know my full name yet.. how will he find me? How will I find him? What if he can't log into his WeChat account anymore? He would never see all the messages I left him..... What if I never hear from him again? I would never know the reason he disappeared, and I would never get closure....
So many UNCERTAINTIES. So much WAITING. I checked my phone every other hour just to see if there was a notification from him. Like it reached the point where I would think I heard the WeChat message alert tone, only to check my phone and realized there is no message..... I texted him once every day, hoping he would reply soon........ I went berserk, I cried, I chose to believe in him and have faith, then I got worried, and believed again, and confused, and worried again...... All I know is I liked him very much, and who knows how many years it will take before I meet someone like him again.....
Just ask the 2 people I bothered the entire week. It was too much to handle I had to talk to someone and vent all my craziness..... Both of them were supportive in their own way, and offered advice the best they know how.... Their opinions were valid and it kept me from going insane... They both mentioned the same thing, which was the fact that they didn't know my guy, so they wouldn't know like whether he was for real and whether his intentions for me were true.... Thank you for looking out for me! :)
I tried my hardest to have faith in him. I really did. The simplest explanation was that he was just super busy, and there was no WiFi at the client's office and at the hotel. Still, I was extremely worried. Not hearing from him made me fear for his well being, and whether we would ever talk again. I would be devastated if he disappeared.
Sunday morning. I woke up to the familiar beep. Finally..... after 5 days of extreme emotions, he texted. He was at Changi airport, where he finally had WiFi. Turns out he really was working super long hours and only getting like 3 hours of sleep each day, and the hotel didn't had WiFi..... When he finally explained it, it seemed like all my concern was for no big deal, but you have no idea how much pain I went through....
We had a very long chat until he literally had to run to the gates for boarding.... And happy to say we're good now :) Although more travels await him (I hate his job), but more on that later!!
XOXO
Relieved J-boy
Sunday, November 23, 2014
I'm Occupied!
Was supposed to publish a Tokyo related post this weekend, but didn't end up finishing it, along with many of the things I set out to do....
The reason?
There is a new guy in the picture.
No, it's not a random crush on a stranger.
No, he's not from gym.
No, he's not straight (thank god).
And Yes, we have talked. And connected on a level that I've not felt in a long long time. So it's not just all in my head (imagining things).
I don't wanna jinx it by saying too much, coz it's still way too early to say what we are...... The truth is, I don't really know if we are anything yet, and you all know I have a terrible track record in relationships.....
All I know is, I'm very happy at the moment. :)
XOXO
The reason?
There is a new guy in the picture.
No, it's not a random crush on a stranger.
No, he's not from gym.
No, he's not straight (thank god).
And Yes, we have talked. And connected on a level that I've not felt in a long long time. So it's not just all in my head (imagining things).
I don't wanna jinx it by saying too much, coz it's still way too early to say what we are...... The truth is, I don't really know if we are anything yet, and you all know I have a terrible track record in relationships.....
All I know is, I'm very happy at the moment. :)
XOXO
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