Here to update everyone...
The situation with my guy hasn't improved, barely getting updates from Canada now because his family has remained silent. Even their relatives here in Malaysia are kept out. I do know that his mum has read my super long email and has refused to allow me to reach out to him and be involved in his treatment, but at least she didn't say mean things or tell me to stay the hell away from her son, etc.. So I don't think they hate me. I respect that they want some privacy and they don't want anyone or anything that can agitate him further at the moment.
Regardless of what happens, I know I have done everything I can. The email shows them my sincerity, my character, and how much he means to me. Don't think I have ever spent so much effort to craft such a heartfelt and genuine piece. I cried writing it, and I cried reading it. At least now they have a more clear and real impression of me, and hopefully some day they will let me in. Now all I can do is wait. He needs time. His mind is still in a very bad place now.
Time has definitely helped me with the pain, that and really great support from awesome people. Still can't believe I came out to my family (except dad) and everyone is so cool about it. My mum asks me weird questions about gays from time to time that are really awkward to answer haha, but the important thing is that she accepts me, and I can tell she tries hard to understand what being gay means, even though she still doesn't really get it haha. My mum said she doesn't care whether I end up dating guys or girls, the most important thing is to be careful and don't get drugged and stuff because she has this misguided impression that MOST gays do drugs and participate in shady behaviour LOL!!
It's been 3 months now. Still don't know how I managed to get through those weeks. I was extremely emotional, contemplated suicide once, cried every single day to the point that my eyes were puffy and I lost about 5 kilos from a lack of appetite. Seeking therapy with a psychologist definitely helped. Even though he was telling me things I kind of already know, but hearing it from a professional really helps to put things in perspective. They have some skills in unlocking realizations. So don't have second thoughts about seeking therapy if something bad is bothering your life.
To the awesome friends that have stayed by my side and endured my crazy, I really do thank you guys!! I really think we have bonded under such tragic circumstances. I know it sounds stupid, but my tragedy has brought me closer to a lot of people, and I'm thankful for everyone in my life. Shoutout to Tuls for being my main pillar and venting outlet, Daniel for sharing so much with me, and KeLexie hahaha for good food and getting sprayed with pee (not human) together hahaha! And to my one and only nun sister, you're irreplaceable, I will always care about you, so glad we met up before you went back to Aussieland haha!
To those who think it's silly of me to be suffering so much over a guy, I'd say 'Fuck you, you don't know what it feels like to have the person you love ripped away from you so tragically until it actually happens to you.' I'm not sad because I feel bad for myself, I'm sad because I feel very sorry that something so unbelievable and horrible can happen to someone so decent and kind and sensitive, and not be able to reach him or do anything to help or comfort him really hurts... To see the person you love suffer and have his mind and soul tortured, and to know he feels strongly about you and wants you too, yet be kept away by his family... To miss someone so severely I didn't think it was possible for me to care about someone more than I care about myself... I would gladly suffer/die in his place if it could bring him his happiness and health back... It just hurts too much to see a loved one suffer.
I'm better now, and I continue to stay hopeful. Life goes on.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Facebook Wiped Away
I can't say I didn't see this coming, it is something I've mentally prepared myself for, considering all the bad things that have happened, I'm now always assuming for the worst, so that I won't be too shocked when it does happen.
Last night (on Valentine's summore), around 11pm Malaysia time I noticed my guy's Facebook shows he logged in an hour ago. You can see the time stamp either on PC or Facebook messenger app. This is the 3rd time it has happened since I lost contact with him in December. The first 2 times were brief, it happened in the afternoon / early evening, without any activity, and all the messages I left him were not read. I've always assumed it is the cops from Australia since his parents said he hasn't used his phone at all. And it's definitely not him now, since phone/pc usage is not allowed in the institution.
But last night, whoever it was that was online, stayed online for almost 2 hours, and finally clicked into the messages I sent him, with the time stamp indicating it was 'Seen at 11.45pm'. I was so stunned I immediately texted 'Please say something, whoever you are' and 'I know M would not ignore me, so whoever this is, please just tell me who you are and what do you want'. However my efforts were fruitless, as that person didn't click to see the message even though he/she stayed online for a few more minutes.
What's more disturbing is that my guy's profile appears to have been wiped clean, meaning all the info in the 'About' section, all the photos he uploaded, his friends list, and his timeline is completely empty. Those posts have either been deleted, or restricted from being viewed by other people. I'm not sure if it's only me that has been restricted, so I asked his cousin, but the cousin was busy and didn't bother to check his fb. I doubt this was done by someone in Australia coz it was already so late, and on a weekend. I suspect it is his family in Canada, but why would they do that? Do his parents want to stop me from reaching him? How did they get his password? If they wanted to limit my access to him, why not just unfriend or even block me? I'm still friends with him on fb, but there's nothing left on his profile, except for a profile pic and a cover photo.
Soooooo many questions, it is all too mysterious....... My therapist has been telling me I shouldn't concern myself over things I don't know and have no control over. All the What If's and uncertainty will just torture my mind endlessly if I keep thinking about it and make all kinds of assumptions. Until I get an actual answer from his side, I should stop worrying.
It has been exactly 2 months now since we last spoke. I'm emotionally exhausted, frankly I'm already feeling better and parts of me have already moved on and I'm getting on with my life. Last week I wrote an email to his parents and attached a letter to my guy to explain my side of things, and to say everything that needed to be said. The parents are upset at me over some things that happened prior to the incident in Australia. But I feel no guilt now, because I've already done everything that I could have, and most importantly I know my guy doesn't blame me, and he still loves me.
Will continue to pray for his recovery, and hope his family will see that I'm not the one to blame.
XOXO
Be Stong
Last night (on Valentine's summore), around 11pm Malaysia time I noticed my guy's Facebook shows he logged in an hour ago. You can see the time stamp either on PC or Facebook messenger app. This is the 3rd time it has happened since I lost contact with him in December. The first 2 times were brief, it happened in the afternoon / early evening, without any activity, and all the messages I left him were not read. I've always assumed it is the cops from Australia since his parents said he hasn't used his phone at all. And it's definitely not him now, since phone/pc usage is not allowed in the institution.
But last night, whoever it was that was online, stayed online for almost 2 hours, and finally clicked into the messages I sent him, with the time stamp indicating it was 'Seen at 11.45pm'. I was so stunned I immediately texted 'Please say something, whoever you are' and 'I know M would not ignore me, so whoever this is, please just tell me who you are and what do you want'. However my efforts were fruitless, as that person didn't click to see the message even though he/she stayed online for a few more minutes.
What's more disturbing is that my guy's profile appears to have been wiped clean, meaning all the info in the 'About' section, all the photos he uploaded, his friends list, and his timeline is completely empty. Those posts have either been deleted, or restricted from being viewed by other people. I'm not sure if it's only me that has been restricted, so I asked his cousin, but the cousin was busy and didn't bother to check his fb. I doubt this was done by someone in Australia coz it was already so late, and on a weekend. I suspect it is his family in Canada, but why would they do that? Do his parents want to stop me from reaching him? How did they get his password? If they wanted to limit my access to him, why not just unfriend or even block me? I'm still friends with him on fb, but there's nothing left on his profile, except for a profile pic and a cover photo.
Soooooo many questions, it is all too mysterious....... My therapist has been telling me I shouldn't concern myself over things I don't know and have no control over. All the What If's and uncertainty will just torture my mind endlessly if I keep thinking about it and make all kinds of assumptions. Until I get an actual answer from his side, I should stop worrying.
It has been exactly 2 months now since we last spoke. I'm emotionally exhausted, frankly I'm already feeling better and parts of me have already moved on and I'm getting on with my life. Last week I wrote an email to his parents and attached a letter to my guy to explain my side of things, and to say everything that needed to be said. The parents are upset at me over some things that happened prior to the incident in Australia. But I feel no guilt now, because I've already done everything that I could have, and most importantly I know my guy doesn't blame me, and he still loves me.
Will continue to pray for his recovery, and hope his family will see that I'm not the one to blame.
XOXO
Be Stong
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Institutionalized
Finally the wait is over. After weeks of uncertainty, my guy's parents sent an email to his cousin, who then informed me that: My guy is now in an institution. No visitors allowed except for parents. And he has no access to his phone or the outside world.
End of update.
Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.
The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?
I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.
I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.
Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.
For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P
XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong
End of update.
Obviously my mind was running wild. Institution = Mental Institution. We all imagine it as a really horrifying "prison" looming with nut jobs and the attendants are abusive and would drug the patients so that they would stay obedient. At least that's what I gathered from watching American Horror Story: Asylum.
The phone part was because I noticed he would appear online on Facebook messenger once in a long while, but I knew it wasn't him because he hadn't replied any of my messages. I knew he would reach out to me if he could. At least now I know he hasn't had his phone since the incident, and I should stop texting him. It is still with the cops in Australia. Maybe they turned it on every now and then to collect evidence?
I have been seeing a clinical psychologist / therapist to help me overcome this ordeal and move on with my life. Having a professional tell you things you kind of already know but needed to hear really gives a different perspective. My therapist says I can't control things in Canada, such as how my guy would feel or think (whether he feels I've given up on him etc), whether his parents would allow me to reach out to him, etc... So I shouldn't let those thoughts riddle me with guilt, because the main reason I've been stressing out is because I feel so useless not being able to help or see him. But I've done all that I could, short of flying over to Canada to find him, but right now no visitors are allowed, and the parents probably don't want me there. So I should focus on things I can control, such as my own life, and how I'm handling things. He told me it's good to remain hopeful, but not to let that hope overtake and dictate my life. He also encouraged me to try new activities, something out of the box and interesting to give me some new passion in life.
I'm not abandoning him. I just need to get on with life and maybe see if he reaches out to me. It could be months or even years from now till he's ready. His PTSD is severe. At the mean time, I plan to write a letter to him, to express how I feel and to offer words of encouragement to let him know I'll always support and love him no matter how long it takes. Hopefully the parents will pass the letter to him when he's ready for it.
Moving on is easier said than done haha. I'm actually feeling better, I can get back to my normal routine and work and stuff, but every now and then I just feel this great EMPTINESS. From chatting with him daily to have zero contact all of a sudden is painful. I imagine this emptiness is how people would feel when they just broke up with someone or lost someone they care about. I know time will heal my wounds.
For now I need some new excitement or activities... Do any of you have any ideas on what I can do, such as any charities or group activities or interesting hobbies, etc? My existing life was so boring I think I can do so much more hahaha... Please ask me out if you are free alright :P
XOXO
Thanks for the support!
Be Strong
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Waiting Game
Waiting & Uncertainty. How it seems endless, not knowing how he's doing, not being able to reach out to him or do anything at all to help, truly tortures my mind to the extent that I feel like giving up at times. Take the easy way out, maybe I'll finally meet him in the after life.
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
But, No. I'm not a coward. Suicidal thoughts have indeed clouded my mind in recent days, and it makes me sick that I'm even thinking about it, but I'm fighting it. This is not how I was raised, I'm not a fucking quitter. I have to stay strong for him, even though I have no idea how he is, or how much he's suffering.
My only link to the family, his cousin is overseas now, and he doesn't intend to make calls to Canada until he returns to Malaysia end of the month. When I heard how long it's going to take, I lost my mind and went crazy. I begged the cousin to give me his parents' number, so that I can contact them myself. But the cousin refused. He thinks I'm too volatile, and will harass them every single day. He may be right. But it doesn't change how hurt I feel. It's like no one understands what I'm going through. Everyone tells me to calm the fuck down, and move on, focus on my own life. Easier said than done.
How can I let go of a guy who fits me so perfectly in so many ways, he's my perfect match, even I find it hard to believe that we met and fell for each other. I left him messages on WeChat and Facebook. Not sure when will he see them, but I know he will definitely reply and reach out to me when he can. BUT that's the thing...... The fact that he hasn't replied, could only mean that he still isn't fit to use a phone. He could be unconscious, he could be sedated after reacting violently, he could be back to being in a vegetative and non-responsive state, or worst... he could already be..... and I'm still here praying every single day and crying myself to sleep.
I've already tried using all my digging/research skills to seek other ways to reach him. But he's really not active on social media, and there's very little I can search of him or his family on the Internet.. I'm basically at a dead end, until the cousin comes back home and does something.
All I can do is WAIT. Endlessly WAIT. It's eating away at me more and more each day, but it's all I can do. WAIT.
XOXO
Be Strong
Sunday, January 4, 2015
A Miracle Happened!
Lately my life has been so surreal, it's the kind of material that's movie worthy...
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Got some updates from his family last night.
At the airport in Australia, where his parents finally sorted out the paper work, and were about to get him on a plane back to Canada, my guy suddenly "woke up" from his vegetative/mind-lost state.
For the first time in 2 weeks, he got up and spoke. Apparently he threw a fit in the airport, screaming and shouting that he doesn't want to go back to Canada, and kept saying he has a BOYFRIEND that he MUST MEET. In only lasted for a few minutes before he passed out again.
You have no idea how much this moment means to me!!! I thought he (his mind) was gone for good, that I would never ever hear a word from him again... Every single day I have been crying, and praying so extremely hard to God, to save him, to help him recover and return to his loved ones because he doesn't deserve to go like this. It's far too cruel. I asked God for a sign, and my prayers were answered yesterday!! Truly if you are sincere and your intentions are pure, God will not forsake you. I have never prayed so hard in my life, never prayed with such heart, so to finally receive a blessing only strengthens my faith.
He didn't just wake up, he basically declared his love for me by using whatever strength he had left to regain his clarity, and that gives me so much hope!!! I now know that all my worrying and stressing and prayers were not a hopeless delusion, to know he cares so much about me too warms my heart immensely!!
I will continue to pray wholeheartedly for him to recover fully. To know he hasn't lost his mind is a huge relief! No one knows what is going to happen the next time he wakes up, I hope his consciousness stays, so that we can finally talk to each other again.
XOXO
Be Strong
Friday, January 2, 2015
Finding Strength
How does one move on from what I went through?
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
I now understand you have to be the victim or someone directly involved to know how it REALLY feels. Tragic things happen all the time, we see it on the news daily, but until something horrible actually happens to you, or your loved ones, you won't fully comprehend the severity of the situation.
I appreciate the support and kindness from everyone, and I know you guys are trying, but the kind of emotional pain I'm experiencing is something you won't be able to fully relate or help alleviate..
To have someone you love, who loves you back, and said he wanted to come back and take things serious with you, and wanting to hug and kiss you.... then on the same night have him be taken away from you (not realizing at the time that it would be forever), by people he thought he could trust...
To know the tragic details of how the person you love was drugged, have his clothes tore off, and gang raped for HOURS, all while he was fully aware and conscious but totally unable to move his body or even scream for help.. To know how defenseless, powerless and frightened he must have been, crying the whole time..
To know how he was raped bare, and the potential for STDs and HIV is one thing, but then to find out that the authorities didn't believe him, and instead sided with cold blooded rapists.. To know how traumatized he already was and still accused for lying, to the point where he no longer wanted to live. To know how he tried to kill himself nearly destroyed me, then to know he went violent and subsequently lost his mind.
It's been half a month now, he's still lying in bed, his body is still "alive" and functioning, but there is no cognitive function, which means his mind / consciousness is gone. Doesn't respond to anyone or anything, to put it bluntly, he's a vegetable now. I did some research, the prognosis is NOT good at all. The longer he stays in a vegetative state, the harder it is for him to come back to this world. I sometimes wonder if this condition is even worse than being dead...... His mind is lost somewhere and he is being trapped in his physical shell...
There's nothing more that I can do now, except pray. Everyone tells me to move on with my life. But how do you let go of someone you've come to know and love so much? It's not like he dumped me or we broke up.... What we had was legit, unfortunately no one knows except us, and technically now I'm the only one left, grieving on my own.... I try to be strong, but so many triggers remind me of him. Being alone in my room at night, I almost always burst out in tears recalling our chats, promises we made, how unfortunate his life is...
The ultimate irony is, I never intended or expected to finally find someone who was so right. I was already adjusted to the single life, mentally prepared for a life time of singlehood, then he came, literally out of no where and swept me off my feet. He was the guy that told me having casual sex would not bring any true satisfaction and it wasn't the right way to look for a relationship. I've never met someone so pure and genuine like him, he hasn't had sex in over 2 years, and he only does it with someone when they are officially together, because he said when he ejaculates he passes a part of himself to that person, so it's an emotional thing. How cute is that?
He was soooooo my type.. Straight looking, does not behave or dress gay at all, super smart but not nerdy looking at all, tall, makes intelligent jokes that just cracks me up, and he was learning Malay words from his colleagues to impress me, but he would always spell them wrong because he has a Caucasian brain haha.. It's like the best of both worlds, a Caucasian guy that looks 100% Asian Chinese... I'm turned on by both his exterior and interior haha...
The one true man that managed to change my slutting ways and showed me love, and is my first true love, has now been tragically ripped away from me... like it's the world exerting some kind of sick punishment on me for all the years I've been hooking up with guys for the pure pleasure of it.
I've felt all kinds of emotions since. Sad, depressed, dejected, confused, uncertain, disgusted, angry, hatred, vengeful, numb, empty, disbelief, sorrow.... It's a long walk to recovery, I know time heals almost everything.... it's a long walk, but every step I take, is another step forward. I'm strong, I'm not going to give up on life. I thought about seeking out those rapists, plotting out an extensive and well crafted revenge which I know I'm capable of, like Emily Thorne returning to the Hamptons to right what was wronged, but I realized that this is not my fight, and I don't want the cycle of hate to continue, and implicate other people that I love and care about. So I leave their fates to God and karma.
At the mean time, I turn to my other role model Daenerys Targaryen. For those familiar with Game of Thrones, you know how her family was stripped from the Iron throne and exiled, and subsequently how her lover was taken away from her.. In spite of the odds, she stands strong and holds on to her belief that she will one day reclaim what is rightfully hers, marching to her goals one step at a time...
Watch this YouTube snippet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9I0W1930FE
This year's tagline is:
Be Strong
XOXO
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
True Story of How I Lost My Love
What you're about to read sounds absurd, like a TV series, but it's what happened to me in recent weeks. I'm finally ready to talk about it. In fact, writing this will help me heal.
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
As you know, I met someone on jackd in late November. He's Canadian, but has family in Malaysia, and is on work visa. We bonded quickly. I didn't expect to like him, coz he wasn't entirely my type (but over time I find him so attractive LOL), but right from the start he was so sincere and honest, I really enjoyed our chats because he said intelligent things and had a sense of humor I understood (maybe it's because he's half Caucasian). You all know how I can be crazy and obsessive so we have had moments where I went overboard, but he always accepted me and thought I was being sweet haha. I've never enjoyed chatting so much with someone I met online. He doesn't have a phone number (no line or data) so we chat through WeChat when he has WiFi.
If you read the previous posts, you know he's a workaholic and travels outstation back to back, so we literally had no chance to meet. It's a small world, his cousin is actually a friend of mine. My guy was in Ipoh right after Singapore, and as soon as he returned from Ipoh he would fly to Australia the next morning. His birthday would be spent there, so I got him a gift. He was so excited and wanted it before he left, so the cousin did me a favor by dropping it at his uncle's house where my guy was staying. The gift box contained underwear (I handpicked dry-fit type, coz he complained M'sia was so hot and he was so sweaty), and a 2 page letter I wrote and placed in an envelope that said he could only open it on his birthday.
When he was in Ipoh, he had WiFi. Our chats are usually around midnight so I haven't been sleeping a lot LOL. I was in panic when I found out he was only coming back on Thurs late late night (it ended up as 5am), and flying Fri early morning, coz I wanted to meet him before he left. He promised me he wouldn't die before we meet, coz I was worried as the Australia client place sounds dangerous (mining site). The night before he came back from Ipoh we had a little disagreement, it wasn't a fight, I just asked him if we will ever meet considering he's forever busy. I asked when he came back from Australia would he be sent elsewhere and the cycle repeats.... He said he didn't know his schedule yet and got really upset all of a sudden, coz I made him feel bad / guilty for working all the time...
Tuls knows I was crying and thought it was over, coz he left for Australia by leaving a very cold and short text. But 2 days later, he texted to report his whereabouts. Apparently, he went to the HQ first, then would take a private plane owned by the mining company to a more remote location to do his job with his colleagues. He had limited WiFi, so our contact has been minimal. One thing he did mention, was one of his colleagues that was sharing room with him was probably gay because he kept watching him as he undressed, and wanted to touch his abs several times. I was joking like, 'Oh, is he hot?', and my guy said he doesn't look at colleagues in that light haha. Also he told me he loved the underwear I got him :)
His birthday was on Monday, but because he was going out to celebrate with colleagues on Sunday night, so he texted me on Sunday morning. He asked if he could open the letter because he wanted me to celebrate with him FIRST, before anyone else. The letter was so touching, he was so happy and said he wanted to take things seriously with me when he came back to Malaysia. It also gave him an erection, so he sent me a pic. It was supposed to be pic of him in underwear I bought, but I got upgraded. Also, I sent him lots of my sexy pics before he left hahaha... supposed to be erm romantic, as he can look at them when he missed me.
At 12 midnight, I wished him an official Happy Birthday! No reply.... until 24 hours later, Monday night near midnight. He told me he had a very very bad birthday. He was raped by that gay colleague, and 2 other clients from the mining company. They were all at the bday celebration, one of them had spiked his drink. As the other colleagues left in another car, these 3 bastards promised to take my guy home. But they didn't. They took him to the office and stripped him, tearing the underwear I got him in the process. Those 3 men then took turns to fuck him raw for hours, the drugs basically made him immobile. He couldn't move / struggle or even scream / talk. He was fully aware, and could only watch and cry non-stop. When those men were satisfied, they left him naked, and bleeding in the office. The next morning, cleaners found him and called the client company. Basically lots of people saw him naked. He told me he spent Monday in the hospital taking many STD tests, his butt hurt like hell, and he went to the police station but the interrogation was bad because the cops were homophobic. Basically a very horrible day.
I tried my hardest to comfort him, but honestly I was in shock, and my body was shaking like crazy. He couldn't sleep because he kept reliving those images. I just told him to stay strong and focus on recovery. That was the last time I chatted with him. For days, there was no news, I eventually told the cousin, who found out his family knew because his uncle (who works with him) told the family. My guy tried to commit suicide when he found out the investigation seemed to side with those bastards, somehow it's all dark and shady, they came out with various tricks to say the sex was consensual. Basically, they had plan everything well, the drug was not traceable, and the local authorities seemed to be on their side. I suspect foul play.
It's a lot to take in. Imagined being brutally assaulted and violated, then told it was your own fault because you were flirting around. This was bullshit because my guy is so proper, he doesn't go for casual sex. He didn't even want to have sex with me until we were official, so I know there's no way he would have done it with those 3. Besides, my guy is a pure Top. And who lets himself to be fucked until his ass bleed like that? I found out the cops took his phone on Tuesday, which explains the no reply, and cops found nude pics of him and "other identified male" in the phone. Lawyers were getting involved, and we know how they can twist and turn things in their favor. Basically nude pics don't paint a good character. You know what I mean.
My guy went from bad to worse. After the suicide attempt, he was very violent, to the point they had to sedate him. His parents went over, they knew about me already because cousin talked to them. My guy was violent and didn't want to see anyone. By Friday, I learned that he stopped fighting. He was now lying in bed, eyes not focused, not responding to anyone or anything. His parents were heart broken obviously, not even the mention of anyone's name (including mine) got a reaction from him. He was lost in his own mind........... PTSD is highly complex, you never really know how an individual will react to a trauma... I have been so affected as well, stressing and worrying all the time, no appetite to eat, losing weight, crying every day... I told some friends, but eventually told my sisters and mum. Yup, I came out. Thank god they are cool with it, and so supportive!! I really needed the support, otherwise I would have gone crazy or killed myself.
I bothered the cousin every day for updates, and didn't hear anything until this morning. His condition hasn't improved, still not responding, not talking, not eating/drinking. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight. Parents decided to bring him back to Canada, which I agree is the best thing for now. He needs to be with his family. I have been praying every single day, hoping he will get through this ordeal, but I fear for the worse. Also filled with rage that those 3 rapists can walk away. I don't know details about the case because I was getting 3rd hand info. But I believe in karma, I know they will get what they deserve some day. Also, I know there's a special place in hell reserved for rapists and sexual predators, so I take comfort in knowing they are going to suffer for eternity in due time...
As for me, I think it is just unfortunate that our relationship began when something so horrible happened. Like really bad luck. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret knowing him at all, meeting him is the highlight of my 2014. It's not our faults even though we have suffered great pain lately caused by horrible people. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all right? I've never experienced such heartache and cried so much in my life. Before I met him, I was happy being single, but lonely deep down. I didn't think I would ever meet someone worth loving who loves me back. It felt so right, so naturally. So I thank him for showing me love, and teaching me that I'm capable of love.
I feel extremely sorry for him and his family, he is so genuine and pure, I still can't believe something like this could happen. Makes me sick to know that there are such horrible scum bags living in this world. In order for me to not break down into pieces, I gotta be strong and move on with my life now, healing takes a lot of time.... I will continue to pray for my love, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
XOXO
I appreciate everyone who has supported me!!
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