Dear Joe,
What's wrong with me?
I thought I would have reached the hardened stage by now, but my heart is still open.
Haven't seen you in almost a week until today. Honestly, I missed you like crazy. Today.... Only a very brief encounter, but it's enough to bring back that wave of emotions. And it had to be at the toilet. You peeing at the urinal, me scantily clad in a towel on my way to shower. Not sure if you even noticed me because you were staring at your junk (duh, because that's what you do when you pee).
Not sure what I want.
When I don't see you, I feel an emptiness, I find myself constantly looking out for you.
And when I do see you, it reminds me that I mean nothing to you, and that just pains me. Just the sight of you makes me weak, it makes me scared and insecure, because you're perfect, and I'm not.
If only you could see me the way I want you to.
And if only, I could see myself, like the way I want you to see me.
I'm losing myself.
I don't feel attractive when I see you. Every single flaw, both external and internal, becomes so obvious to me. I honestly don't think that's how you're supposed to feel when you like someone, right?
How can I move on when I know I will still run into you every now and then. It's just gonna be like getting stabbed with a knife on and off, it won't be enough to take my life, but it will cause me to bleed slowly, and endlessly.
I don't blame you for hurting me.
I blame myself for letting you be the reason I hurt me.
XOXO
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Joe Journal 2 - The End
15th March, 2013 Friday
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Long story short: He's not into me, it was all just in my head, again.
Honestly, it was 99% expected. You know it, I know it. But my silly heart just wouldn't stop hoping. I thought the years that have gone by have taught me much, and made me more mature and mentally tough, but yet repeating this stupid crush and delusional falling madly for a stranger incident is just a slap to the face, and it erases all the character building and personal growth I have done. Back to being that naive, hopeless, emotional boy that is desperate in so many ways, but refuses to acknowledge it and pretends he's strong and attractive, but deep down is just utterly insecure with so many layers of self inflicted emotional damage.......
He hardly looked at me at the gym today. I intentionally positioned myself closer to him, and looked right at him on multiple occasions, but he didn't so much as turn to my direction. Just plain cold and cool. That's his style, keeping to himself. He didn't bother or show any signs at all. Right there and then, I knew it was ALL in my head. It's not his fault, it's my problem for falling for him in the first place.
Actually I have seen him around since months ago, I thought he was a hot hunk and all, but didn't pay much attention to him. It was not until last Thursday, where we had a moment - where we stared into each others eye - that I was just instantly struck with this strong sense of liking and admiration. The way he looked at me, I thought there was something. Apparently, I was wrong.
That's my problem. A trigger as simple as that can make me think someone likes me, and I in turn will fall for them. It's stupid I know. I don't fall for that many people, meaning I can be quite selective, but once I have a target in mind, I tend to fall super quickly, and develop strong feelings and imagining all kinds of things. I even pictured us going on dates, doing couple stuff and erm... sleeping together, cuddling in bed hahaha. Fucking insane right!!
It's incidents like this, where I hurt myself and my heart is just in pain, both figuratively and literally (don't know why chest hurts), I go through a roller coaster of emotions. At the end of it, I will reach the COLD phase, where I just lock up all my emotions, and my heart hardens. I think I spent most of last year like that. That's why I just go out there and have sex with random men, because my heart is isolated, I forget about love and relationships, and just use sex as a form of release and pleasure.
Not sure if I'm going back to that kind of lifestyle yet, but right now I'm definitely over the idea of being in love. I'm frustrated, tired, emotionally drained, and so fucking over it.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Joe Journal 1
11th March, 2013 Monday
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Having seen you on Thursday and Saturday, I figured you follow an alternate day work out pattern like me, so I was really hoping to see you again today. Even though I was tired from work, I dragged myself to the gym, putting contact lenses and fixing my hair for you.
I reached around 8. Didn't see you anywhere, was disappointed obviously that my efforts have gone to waste. Resumed with workout, then shower. Just when I was walking out, I saw you, AGAIN as I was LEAVING hahaha, you're lifting the barbell as usual. I actually stopped walking for a second and just stared at you. So handsome. The moment we looked into each others eyes, you looked like you lost focus and immediately threw the barbell back on the rack. Did I startle you? I was so surprised to see you, didn't think you would come so late. Were you happy to see me? Or were you just put off by the fact that a creep was staring at you? Either way, I was glad I saw you.
12th March, 2013 Tuesday
Today is a rest day. Luckily I was able to control myself and not think about you too much.
13th March, 2013 Wednesday
My hormones have gone full blast. Spent most of my day at work dreaming about you, because I might see you again soon. After work I felt feverish and nauseous. Took panadol and quick nap, it was raining quick heavily. Despite feeling like crap, I still dolled myself up and went to the gym. Many people came later today because of the rain and jam. I was praying you would show up eventually. 8pm. 8.30pm. 9pm. 9.30pm. NO sign of you. I feel like shit.
Thousand thoughts running through my mind.
Did I scare you away? Don't think so, I'm probably not that influential. Do you even care that I'm looking at you? Why did we exchange eye contact? Do you feel the same way about me? How can it be, why would you even like me? Most people don't just fall for complete strangers like that, especially when they haven't even spoken to each other. I must be imagining it all in my head. I look at the mirror and am disgusted by what I see. Why would you even be attracted to me, when you're like the hottest guy in the gym? I look retarded, my body is no where near as awesome as yours, my facial features are not striking at all. You're too good to be true, I know it, my mind knows it, but my heart just can't stop hoping. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over you? Why do I care about you? Why am I always the one to fall for someone first? Why can't a guy make the first move? I hate being like that, that's why I don't wanna be in love or have feelings. It makes me weak, so defenseless, it tears my self confidence down to pieces. I'm nothing. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
I wish you would just give me a sign. For once, please god just let it be true, and not just in my head. I don't wanna be crazy.
________________________________________________________________________________
XOXO
Saturday, March 9, 2013
His name is Joe
OK, so there's this guy..... His name is Joe.
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
Now I just want to lick his balls.
XOXO
Joe is not a nick name I made up. His name really is Joe, or at least that's what I heard people call him when I was indirectly spying on him. And by indirectly, I actually mean 'discreetly direct' hahaha!
Of all places, of course it had to be the gym. I know I know, you guys are going to say all the super hunky hotties at the gym are only meant to be eye candy material, you cannot actually hope for anything to happen and shouldn't fall for them.... I know, I know........
But the problem is, he's FUCKING HOT & SEXY & MACHO & CHARMING & CUTE, and just soooooooooooo MY KIND OF GUY!!! Can't get him out of my head, and every thought of him makes me blush and shiver, and I just want to scream like a 13 year old girl that just met Justin Bieber.
He has this almost completely shaved head, which on most guys would be gross, but he pulls it off so well... makes him tough and rugged looking, kind of like a military officer hahaha (he can drill me anytime)... But then his face has this innocence and youthfulness, so he doesn't look old, but also not young coz I'm not into younger guys.... He's rather quiet and calm looking, usually keeps to himself and works out alone, and I just find that so irresistibly sexy and cool, also slightly mysterious.
Occasionally he gives a smile, and my heart just melts away, like when you see a picture of a really cute puppy and you just go 'Awwwwwwwwwww'. Yeah, his smile has the same effect hahaha.
His body is like a work of art *blush*. I mean, seriously his upper body is ridiculously toned. The chest is like bursting out, actually a bit too buffed for my liking. His legs are pretty long and slim, which tells me he probably used to be rather thin, and has probably worked really really hard to achieve such an amazing shape. He lifts like crazy weights on the barbell, he's so strong he could probably crush me with his bare hands (imagine the sex hahaha).
I wanted to take a picture of him for you guys to see, but I totally suck at spy camming. I can't do it without making it look so obvious hahahahaha.
We first established eye contact on Thursday night. I was preparing to leave, and just as I walked out of the locker room, he was seated at the couch opposite the doorway, drinking his protein shake. The eye contact was brief, but at least I knew he saw me! I pretended not to care, and walked off quickly LOL. As luck would have it, I saw him again today!! I was leaving the gym again haha, and he was seated like on a table thingy talking to someone, and when I was walking by, he actually turned to look at me.......... *melts into a puddle*.
Okay, I know that means nothing at all. It's probably all in my head, and there's actually a possibility that he's straight. Because usually hot guys that I fall for are straight. It's a trend. Besides, he's wayyyyyyyy out of my league. If he was a 10, I would be like a 5 at most. Guys who are really buffed usually have a liking for other muscular guys right, so I'm too scrawny for him. I think I still fare better in the twinks category hahaha.
Either way, I just wanted to write about it, because he's the only guy I'm crazy about now. It's like thinking about a nice cold soda when you're hot and dry with a mouth full of sand in the middle of the desert.
XOXO
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
And So It Was A Phase?
To be honest it's not that unexpected.
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
I can say I'm back to my normal self now, no longer in the mood for all things love and romantic.
It didn't happen immediately. The change happened gradually... as the days past, I realized I don't really want to be in a committed relationship after all. The hope has diminished, not completely, but as I said, it has gone back to a level which I consider to be my 'normal'.
For the past 2 months I have been so uncharacteristically hopeful and let my emotions take hold, and kept telling myself that I would meet someone interesting who would also be interested in me, but sadly that never came about. Maybe it's because I'm busy with work, or that I don't go out to socialize or mingle enough to meet new people, or that I set my sights too high, or maybe I'm just not appealing to the men around me.
Whatever the case, 2013 has left me high and dry so far. It hurts the ego a little when you allow yourself to be open for something, only to realize that there's nothing. Reality is kicking in, and my heart is going back to a guarded state, thereby allowing my mind and rationality to regain control.
One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't really feel the urge to run out and have lots of casual sex hahaha like last year, so that's a good sign right! I mean I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had sex this year, but the frequency and intentions have definitely changed. :P
These days I'm spending more time with my hands hahahaha, and enjoying the hot men on the Internet :P
XOXO
Monday, February 18, 2013
Quickie! CNY & Valentine's
I mean a quick update, that is... hahaha. Not what you think!
CNY doesn't really feel like CNY this year. Not sure if it's the lack of atmosphere in general, or because I started working, so the build up to CNY was virtually non-existent in my mind. It just hit me in the face. LOL. I was just coasting along with everyone.
Even though I had 1 week off, it didn't seem enough to accomplish all the things I wanted to do.
I guess the best part was being able to sleep longer each day. But still I felt tired, and still am now.
Didn't do that much running around either. Didn't see that many relatives this year. Happy that I did spent some time with friends and siblings. Thank goodness the ang paus still came haha even though I wasn't there to receive some of it personally :P
Valentine's was pretty shitty. Actually I mean it was a normal day. But as I blogged about recently I'm in the mood for love lately, so yeah....... felt kind of miserable even though there was no real need to. And then there was that thing where I dragged myself to the sauna for some long deprived physical contact *cough cough* But I will not go on about that, except that it was good and it's over. So I'm still on the search for that someone, just needed a bit of release on a lonely day.
After Valentine's I started getting more messages on Jack'd haha. There was this 1 guy that was kind of cute and sexy, and we hit it off more than the usual chats I have on there. So we chatted and almost met up for drinks that night, but in the end it didn't happen because I was just feeling too tired and lazy to go out. Plus I suck at socializing and talking to strangers. Like I can be pretty boring at times, and may run out of things to say so.......... He said we could always hang out some other day, but then now I have started working again and won't have much time, and he's working too and stays quite far away from me......... So I don't see much progress there LOL.
So that was my CNY.
LOLLLLL
Need to sleep now :'( Work life sucks...
XOXO
J-boy
CNY doesn't really feel like CNY this year. Not sure if it's the lack of atmosphere in general, or because I started working, so the build up to CNY was virtually non-existent in my mind. It just hit me in the face. LOL. I was just coasting along with everyone.
Even though I had 1 week off, it didn't seem enough to accomplish all the things I wanted to do.
I guess the best part was being able to sleep longer each day. But still I felt tired, and still am now.
Didn't do that much running around either. Didn't see that many relatives this year. Happy that I did spent some time with friends and siblings. Thank goodness the ang paus still came haha even though I wasn't there to receive some of it personally :P
Valentine's was pretty shitty. Actually I mean it was a normal day. But as I blogged about recently I'm in the mood for love lately, so yeah....... felt kind of miserable even though there was no real need to. And then there was that thing where I dragged myself to the sauna for some long deprived physical contact *cough cough* But I will not go on about that, except that it was good and it's over. So I'm still on the search for that someone, just needed a bit of release on a lonely day.
After Valentine's I started getting more messages on Jack'd haha. There was this 1 guy that was kind of cute and sexy, and we hit it off more than the usual chats I have on there. So we chatted and almost met up for drinks that night, but in the end it didn't happen because I was just feeling too tired and lazy to go out. Plus I suck at socializing and talking to strangers. Like I can be pretty boring at times, and may run out of things to say so.......... He said we could always hang out some other day, but then now I have started working again and won't have much time, and he's working too and stays quite far away from me......... So I don't see much progress there LOL.
So that was my CNY.
LOLLLLL
Need to sleep now :'( Work life sucks...
XOXO
J-boy
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Looking At Me
Lately I noticed some people have been eying me, like not just guys, but also women and some random people on the street. Which makes me wonder what they are looking at...
It could be the 'Oh that guy is hot/cute/handsome' kind of stare, or the 'Ughh that guy is hideous/weird/gay' kind of stare. Honestly I can't be sure which it is LOL. I don't see looks of disgust on people's faces, but also no obvious smiles or nods of approval hahaha. Just stares.
Ever since I got a haircut for CNY which involved shaving both sides of the head, leaving spiky hair only at the top, I think that has given me a cooler, edgier look haha... like I've never had my hair that short on the sides before. And I'm also starting to come into my own in terms of personal style. My sisters have been impressed with my choices lately, and I rarely get fashion misses now :P
I no longer look shabby compared to when I was still in college wearing baggy T-shirts and didn't care that much about fashion. My dress sense is more polished these days, but also much more GAY haha. I think it has become more obvious, but I don't really care.
My body is also in better shape I guess, I'm not as skinny as I used to be. I feel healthier. After gymming for more than a year, I can definitely see some differences in the mirror. So overall the confidence is higher. And when you're comfortable in your own skin, I think other people start to notice and appreciate it as well.
But then again, that could all be in my head.
But I can say from observation, since I got the hair cut, more guys stare at me when I'm at the gym haha :P I also noticed I only get attention when I'm wearing contact lenses. Some days when I feel tired/lazy after work, and just show up at the gym with glasses and messy hair, almost NO guys check me out LOL!! That shows the importance of personal grooming, and NOT wearing spectacles haha!
I'm still feeling the same way about relationships as my previous post, so I'm feeling much more..... (what's the word) like I don't know how to describe it, just feeling unrealistically hopeful and every time I see a guy that is kind of my type or is just generally hot, I will feel flirty and wonder if he's into me or not, and I fee like I just want to jump into the dating train right away (or jump into his arms hahaha), and perhaps I wish for things to happen way too quickly than it should ideally, because I know from past experience that I fall too easily, and usually for all the wrong people and wrong reasons, but my heart right now just craves for male attention, and the heart's irrationality has somehow suppressed my mind's rationality and logic (it's like my normally strong willed mind is now weirdly submissive after being drugged by hippies and lets my crazy heart take over), so I seem to be very easily attracted to like just any guy that is relatively hot or fits certain criteria, or sometimes when a stranger just happens to make eye contact with me or stands next to me, then I start fantasizing about him, and I know that's highly childish and stupid on so many levels, I mean it's like been there, done that kind of shit, but I can't help feeling that way lately, since 2013 I've been like a hopeless romantic maniac, I haven't even had sex with strangers anymore because I want to make that change, and so I feel like I need a date right now, and oh my god the thought that I'm going to spend Valentine's alone this year just upsets me, even though I've done that for so many years, but this year feels different, I feel different, but things might not happen that quickly, and for something to really work out, it shouldn't happen that quickly, but my heart says fuck it, I want something to happen now.
OK shit, I salute you if you read this entire paragraph, and yes I deliberately wrote it in one mega sentence, to really express how despo I'm feeling hahahaha....
So I guess it's a good thing that people are noticing me, whether it's for good or bad reasons LOL.
XOXO
It could be the 'Oh that guy is hot/cute/handsome' kind of stare, or the 'Ughh that guy is hideous/weird/gay' kind of stare. Honestly I can't be sure which it is LOL. I don't see looks of disgust on people's faces, but also no obvious smiles or nods of approval hahaha. Just stares.
Ever since I got a haircut for CNY which involved shaving both sides of the head, leaving spiky hair only at the top, I think that has given me a cooler, edgier look haha... like I've never had my hair that short on the sides before. And I'm also starting to come into my own in terms of personal style. My sisters have been impressed with my choices lately, and I rarely get fashion misses now :P
I no longer look shabby compared to when I was still in college wearing baggy T-shirts and didn't care that much about fashion. My dress sense is more polished these days, but also much more GAY haha. I think it has become more obvious, but I don't really care.
My body is also in better shape I guess, I'm not as skinny as I used to be. I feel healthier. After gymming for more than a year, I can definitely see some differences in the mirror. So overall the confidence is higher. And when you're comfortable in your own skin, I think other people start to notice and appreciate it as well.
But then again, that could all be in my head.
But I can say from observation, since I got the hair cut, more guys stare at me when I'm at the gym haha :P I also noticed I only get attention when I'm wearing contact lenses. Some days when I feel tired/lazy after work, and just show up at the gym with glasses and messy hair, almost NO guys check me out LOL!! That shows the importance of personal grooming, and NOT wearing spectacles haha!
I'm still feeling the same way about relationships as my previous post, so I'm feeling much more..... (what's the word) like I don't know how to describe it, just feeling unrealistically hopeful and every time I see a guy that is kind of my type or is just generally hot, I will feel flirty and wonder if he's into me or not, and I fee like I just want to jump into the dating train right away (or jump into his arms hahaha), and perhaps I wish for things to happen way too quickly than it should ideally, because I know from past experience that I fall too easily, and usually for all the wrong people and wrong reasons, but my heart right now just craves for male attention, and the heart's irrationality has somehow suppressed my mind's rationality and logic (it's like my normally strong willed mind is now weirdly submissive after being drugged by hippies and lets my crazy heart take over), so I seem to be very easily attracted to like just any guy that is relatively hot or fits certain criteria, or sometimes when a stranger just happens to make eye contact with me or stands next to me, then I start fantasizing about him, and I know that's highly childish and stupid on so many levels, I mean it's like been there, done that kind of shit, but I can't help feeling that way lately, since 2013 I've been like a hopeless romantic maniac, I haven't even had sex with strangers anymore because I want to make that change, and so I feel like I need a date right now, and oh my god the thought that I'm going to spend Valentine's alone this year just upsets me, even though I've done that for so many years, but this year feels different, I feel different, but things might not happen that quickly, and for something to really work out, it shouldn't happen that quickly, but my heart says fuck it, I want something to happen now.
OK shit, I salute you if you read this entire paragraph, and yes I deliberately wrote it in one mega sentence, to really express how despo I'm feeling hahahaha....
So I guess it's a good thing that people are noticing me, whether it's for good or bad reasons LOL.
XOXO
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