Don't roll your eyes, this is not another emo post.
Things have settled. It's been a week since I went emo again. Yes, I lied. Even when I claimed to be in the 'sexy period', there was one night that I just couldn't control myself, all the feelings for him came rushing back. Then I remembered that it was all in my head and he didn't want me. There were tears but it's fine coz I needed to let it out of my system.
I'm on the other side now. Finally taken another step away from him instead of constantly going back and forth. But sometimes I still turn my head back just to catch a glimpse of him. I know I can't have him, but that doesn't mean I don't still admire him. From a distance of course.
Alright enough of that. Now that the emotions are in control and the drama is over, I'm actually feeling bored! What a bitch right? The moment I get some inner peace I start to yawn hahaha. And FYI I didn't get laid ok. Successfully controlled my sexual urges. The horny dancing phase has passed. Not sure when it will be back though ;)
For the past 2 months I have went through many phases. Let's take a quick recap:
Crazy in love bitch -> Just plain crazy bitch -> Angry, bitter bitch -> Sad, heart broken bitch -> Ice cold bitch -> Back to sadness bitch -> Sexy, horny bitch -> Now what? bitch
None of the characters above felt true you know. And because I have not been myself for so long, I have forgotten what it means to be 'myself'. Having an identity crisis at the moment. Don't know how I should act or what I should feel. It's weird because nothing feels right and it scares me. Like I'm a blank canvas with no real personality. Hence the boredom.
Think I need to do some soul searching. Really dig deep and recall all the positive values I have learned as a human being for 20 years. There's gotta be something there right? I need to reinvent myself.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Deprived
What can I say?
I need sex.
What a statement. Look I know it's not a necessity and no one would die without it, but man do I feel deprived!!! Now I'm not just a bitch. I'm a horny bitch. GATAL! Well technically I have not done anything yet, but I feel like I'm heading there.
It's been too long. I can't remember exactly when was the last.
Dry. Ugghhh.
But I don't wanna engage in random/casual sex. But playing solo isn't doing it either.
When will I meet my man? I need to fall in love with someone that feels the same way about me. Once that happens, we can XXX :P. Yes I only wanna do it with that person. I don't want to be a whore. I wanna be exclusive. We'll do it A LOT of times. ALL the time. Everywhere. Morning. Night. In the car. In the shower. Yeah that would be so awesome. I don't just want sex, I want hot passionate, steamy, sensual love making. And I also want the cuddling part after the action.
Sexy dancing isn't helping. It only made me more hungry. I should stop before I go nuts.
And I think Eric has found someone. Saw his status update on Facebook today. I posted it on a comment on Skyhawk's post about jealousy. Some sweet, mushy stuff about someone that clearly wasn't me. *vomits*. I was sad at first, but then I told myself to snap out of it. I'm over him remember? *slaps self*
How long can you guys go without sex? Is this a sensitive question? Hope not.
Sorry for writing such a dirty post. Where's my dignity... But it's truly how I feel right now.
I need sex.
What a statement. Look I know it's not a necessity and no one would die without it, but man do I feel deprived!!! Now I'm not just a bitch. I'm a horny bitch. GATAL! Well technically I have not done anything yet, but I feel like I'm heading there.
It's been too long. I can't remember exactly when was the last.
Dry. Ugghhh.
But I don't wanna engage in random/casual sex. But playing solo isn't doing it either.
When will I meet my man? I need to fall in love with someone that feels the same way about me. Once that happens, we can XXX :P. Yes I only wanna do it with that person. I don't want to be a whore. I wanna be exclusive. We'll do it A LOT of times. ALL the time. Everywhere. Morning. Night. In the car. In the shower. Yeah that would be so awesome. I don't just want sex, I want hot passionate, steamy, sensual love making. And I also want the cuddling part after the action.
Sexy dancing isn't helping. It only made me more hungry. I should stop before I go nuts.
And I think Eric has found someone. Saw his status update on Facebook today. I posted it on a comment on Skyhawk's post about jealousy. Some sweet, mushy stuff about someone that clearly wasn't me. *vomits*. I was sad at first, but then I told myself to snap out of it. I'm over him remember? *slaps self*
How long can you guys go without sex? Is this a sensitive question? Hope not.
Sorry for writing such a dirty post. Where's my dignity... But it's truly how I feel right now.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I'm Back
The old me is back! The person that I was between the period of after MK and before Eric.
Let's call it the sexy period. ;) LOL when I say period, it sounds like i'm talking about menstruation. I know I was never really gone, esp blogging so often this past month, but I was not really proud of who I was, ya know.
I figure the best way to move on and really get over him is to feel good about myself. No more depressing thoughts of why he finds me unattractive. Yeah, now I feel hot even though I'm not, but the important thing is that I believe or feel that I'm hot LOL. When I go out, I walk with a confident strut, esp if it's a long walkway in the mall, I like to go fast and use my long legs, breezing past the crowds. Do you guys ever imagine yourselves as models (male ones la) walking down a runway when u are walking in public? U know with the good posture and strong, firm steps? Haha I do that a lot LOL. It's fun!
Confidence is sexy right, and having a good sense of your body and all. Lately I have been feeling bitchier than ever. I think you can sense the bitchiness as well in this post. Sorry! :P
Don't know why I get these hot feelings. I'm not even attracted to anyone now. Maybe it's not having sex for too long. Oops I shouldn't say stuff like that (TMI). Don't worry I won't go for random sex anymore. It doesn't appeal to me now. Guess I'll be having a lot of ME time then ;)
Listening to sexy music really helps enhance the feeling. I mean sensually. With all the touching and swaying. OK I'm not sure if you guys do it, but sometimes I dance in my room or in the shower (with the doors locked of course)! I have never been to a club, so all my so called 'sexy & sensual' dance moves have only been seen by my soft toys hahaha.
This is an example of a song I 'sway and shake' to. Anybody wanna join me hahaha? I could be a slave for you LOL ;P
Let's call it the sexy period. ;) LOL when I say period, it sounds like i'm talking about menstruation. I know I was never really gone, esp blogging so often this past month, but I was not really proud of who I was, ya know.
I figure the best way to move on and really get over him is to feel good about myself. No more depressing thoughts of why he finds me unattractive. Yeah, now I feel hot even though I'm not, but the important thing is that I believe or feel that I'm hot LOL. When I go out, I walk with a confident strut, esp if it's a long walkway in the mall, I like to go fast and use my long legs, breezing past the crowds. Do you guys ever imagine yourselves as models (male ones la) walking down a runway when u are walking in public? U know with the good posture and strong, firm steps? Haha I do that a lot LOL. It's fun!
Confidence is sexy right, and having a good sense of your body and all. Lately I have been feeling bitchier than ever. I think you can sense the bitchiness as well in this post. Sorry! :P
Don't know why I get these hot feelings. I'm not even attracted to anyone now. Maybe it's not having sex for too long. Oops I shouldn't say stuff like that (TMI). Don't worry I won't go for random sex anymore. It doesn't appeal to me now. Guess I'll be having a lot of ME time then ;)
Listening to sexy music really helps enhance the feeling. I mean sensually. With all the touching and swaying. OK I'm not sure if you guys do it, but sometimes I dance in my room or in the shower (with the doors locked of course)! I have never been to a club, so all my so called 'sexy & sensual' dance moves have only been seen by my soft toys hahaha.
This is an example of a song I 'sway and shake' to. Anybody wanna join me hahaha? I could be a slave for you LOL ;P
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thank You!
Just a quick post.
Thanks guys for your comments on the previous post, I especially like what Koala said :)
It was awkward as expected. I was so nervous walking into the room I felt like throwing up. The moment I walked through the door, he was there. We looked at each other for a micro second and went about doing our things. We were both uncomfortable. It was obvious. I could sense that he was avoiding me. And when I had to walk by him, I looked at a different direction.
Eventually things kind of settled. Because he is a senior and the role that he played, he had to talk to me at one point for reasons that I will not elaborate. Let's just say he had to... professionally. I guess there is no hate between us, but it's just strange and strained now. Oh and we can't look each other in the eye anymore. The moment there is any eye contact, we both turn away. So we were both looking at the table when we had to talk LOL.
I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. You don't just forget about someone and move on with the snap of a finger. It takes weeks, if not months. But it helps a lot if I don't run into him so often. Like the saying goes: Out of sight, out of mind! In a way I'm glad that this is the last Tuesday that I will see him. I think there is only one more session in this semester, and that's about a month from now. Plenty of time to get over him.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, YES YOU! I know this is corny, but I'm thankful for your support and all. Even if you don't comment it's fine :) The reason I started this blog was to be heard you know. A place to share my thoughts and release all the penned up emotions. Being discreet, I never talk to my family and friends about these issues. You guys are the only ones that I confide in!! Blogger friends are generally more sincere than those you meet on other sites. And it's amazing how kind some of you are despite not even knowing me in person!
Alright I'm done with the mushy stuff :)
Life goes on, Eric is history. Or I should say he will be history. Eventually.
Thanks guys for your comments on the previous post, I especially like what Koala said :)
It was awkward as expected. I was so nervous walking into the room I felt like throwing up. The moment I walked through the door, he was there. We looked at each other for a micro second and went about doing our things. We were both uncomfortable. It was obvious. I could sense that he was avoiding me. And when I had to walk by him, I looked at a different direction.
Eventually things kind of settled. Because he is a senior and the role that he played, he had to talk to me at one point for reasons that I will not elaborate. Let's just say he had to... professionally. I guess there is no hate between us, but it's just strange and strained now. Oh and we can't look each other in the eye anymore. The moment there is any eye contact, we both turn away. So we were both looking at the table when we had to talk LOL.
I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. You don't just forget about someone and move on with the snap of a finger. It takes weeks, if not months. But it helps a lot if I don't run into him so often. Like the saying goes: Out of sight, out of mind! In a way I'm glad that this is the last Tuesday that I will see him. I think there is only one more session in this semester, and that's about a month from now. Plenty of time to get over him.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, YES YOU! I know this is corny, but I'm thankful for your support and all. Even if you don't comment it's fine :) The reason I started this blog was to be heard you know. A place to share my thoughts and release all the penned up emotions. Being discreet, I never talk to my family and friends about these issues. You guys are the only ones that I confide in!! Blogger friends are generally more sincere than those you meet on other sites. And it's amazing how kind some of you are despite not even knowing me in person!
Alright I'm done with the mushy stuff :)
Life goes on, Eric is history. Or I should say he will be history. Eventually.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Facing Reality
Crap. The day I dread is coming.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday = Eric.
Last Tuesday was a national holiday so it's been exactly 2 weeks since I saw him.
But tomorrow will be the first time we face each other since I revealed my identity, since I said some crazy things, since he started to ignore me and since I got over him. Amazing how much has changed in 2 weeks.
I don't know what his reaction would be. I'm over him, but still... it's going to be extremely awkward. I don't think I can look him in the eye. It's best if we don't talk at all. I hope he ignores me and pretends nothing happened because that's my plan. Won't look at him. I just need to have thick skin. Gotta raise my shield and build a wall around me.
It feels like I made a fool out of myself the past 2 weeks. I wish I could take back some of the stuff I said to him. He must have the impression that I'm cheap and desperate. That must make him feel really good about himself. Like he's so great and desirable. Damn.
Oh no :(
I really wish I could just press the fast forward button and skip Tuesday.
What do you guys do when you're in the same room as an Ex or someone who rejected you or just someone that you're no longer on good terms with? Do you pretend not to see them and act happy and chatty with your friends? Or do you go up and talk to them on purpose just to show that you are fine?
Haha I hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow... that would save me a lot of trouble.
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday = Eric.
Last Tuesday was a national holiday so it's been exactly 2 weeks since I saw him.
But tomorrow will be the first time we face each other since I revealed my identity, since I said some crazy things, since he started to ignore me and since I got over him. Amazing how much has changed in 2 weeks.
I don't know what his reaction would be. I'm over him, but still... it's going to be extremely awkward. I don't think I can look him in the eye. It's best if we don't talk at all. I hope he ignores me and pretends nothing happened because that's my plan. Won't look at him. I just need to have thick skin. Gotta raise my shield and build a wall around me.
It feels like I made a fool out of myself the past 2 weeks. I wish I could take back some of the stuff I said to him. He must have the impression that I'm cheap and desperate. That must make him feel really good about himself. Like he's so great and desirable. Damn.
Oh no :(
I really wish I could just press the fast forward button and skip Tuesday.
What do you guys do when you're in the same room as an Ex or someone who rejected you or just someone that you're no longer on good terms with? Do you pretend not to see them and act happy and chatty with your friends? Or do you go up and talk to them on purpose just to show that you are fine?
Haha I hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow... that would save me a lot of trouble.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Post Emo
I'm over him. Not a 100% yet, but I think it gets better with time.
I still feel weak every now and then, especially when I see him online on Facebook.
Then I find myself stalking his Wall to see his activity.
He appears online briefly, then disappears. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he came online to stalk someone else. Maybe he's already seeing a super hot guy.
He goes to the gym frequently. Celebrity Fitness I think. Probably meets lots of hotties and has lots of hot sex. Do all plu guys who go to the gym do that? I have no idea.
It's too tiring to guess. So I'd rather not. It's destroying my self esteem.
I'm fine.
It's been 3 days since I last wrote to him. Feels like an eternity.
I have really been itching to write again. So tempting to just ask how he is and all.
Credit to my bro Qboy who has been slapping me profusely every time I'm having a weak moment. Like a personal alarm clock that goes off every time my mind shifts to crazy gear again haha.
I think right now, if I have any self worth left I should stay as far away from him as possible. I mean Eric, not bro haha.. If Eric has even the slightest affection for me he should be the one who talks to me first. I don't want to be the desperate initiator anymore. It's cheap. And I want to give him the silent treatment for a change. Let's see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
I'm not gonna stalk his Facebook anymore. You know he is actually kind of boring. And cold. Cute and handsome but his personality is as dead as a rock. I should have seen it earlier. I need someone who gives me affection, someone who actually bothers to talk back to me and can keep up with my craziness. I need someone more exciting. Doesn't need to be a crazy rock star but pls lah not a rock that sits around all day and basks in the sun. Talking to Eric is like talking to a piece of log. Who knows? I might actually get a better response from the log LOL.
I'm officially back to celebrating singlehood. Who needs a man anyway? I can do everything on my own for now!!
I still feel weak every now and then, especially when I see him online on Facebook.
Then I find myself stalking his Wall to see his activity.
He appears online briefly, then disappears. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he came online to stalk someone else. Maybe he's already seeing a super hot guy.
He goes to the gym frequently. Celebrity Fitness I think. Probably meets lots of hotties and has lots of hot sex. Do all plu guys who go to the gym do that? I have no idea.
It's too tiring to guess. So I'd rather not. It's destroying my self esteem.
I'm fine.
It's been 3 days since I last wrote to him. Feels like an eternity.
I have really been itching to write again. So tempting to just ask how he is and all.
Credit to my bro Qboy who has been slapping me profusely every time I'm having a weak moment. Like a personal alarm clock that goes off every time my mind shifts to crazy gear again haha.
I think right now, if I have any self worth left I should stay as far away from him as possible. I mean Eric, not bro haha.. If Eric has even the slightest affection for me he should be the one who talks to me first. I don't want to be the desperate initiator anymore. It's cheap. And I want to give him the silent treatment for a change. Let's see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
I'm not gonna stalk his Facebook anymore. You know he is actually kind of boring. And cold. Cute and handsome but his personality is as dead as a rock. I should have seen it earlier. I need someone who gives me affection, someone who actually bothers to talk back to me and can keep up with my craziness. I need someone more exciting. Doesn't need to be a crazy rock star but pls lah not a rock that sits around all day and basks in the sun. Talking to Eric is like talking to a piece of log. Who knows? I might actually get a better response from the log LOL.
I'm officially back to celebrating singlehood. Who needs a man anyway? I can do everything on my own for now!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Who Am I?
*This is an emo post. Be warned.*
I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.
This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.
I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.
How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.
There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.
But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?
I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.
But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?
I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.
This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.
I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.
How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.
There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.
But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?
I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.
But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?
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